how to hav 1 gud restrant


las nite ther was a gud show on TV called the restrant guy. it abuot sum fella who owns loads of greggz and pizza huts who goes aruond to other fellas in the country who want to open restrants but they dont reealy have gud ideas abuot anything and the restrant guy has to say thins like “do you want me to wash your dishes?” it quite good but he always jus wanderin around saying thins like “wen i opened my 3rd greggs i had to eeat all the sausag rolls for at leeast until ther was none left. but these fellas havent even eeaten 1 sausag roll?!?!” an then they go to visit one of his frends an in the end its all ok but i wasnt reealy sure howcome the silly fellas make it okay an neither is restrant guy but then he turns to the camera and takes his shirt off and says “gud thing they listened to me” an then he heeadbutts a tree or sumthin.

but openin a gud restrant is EEEASY. jus aks GregG Wrallance from misterchef. if u didnt kno before, here a few othr tips:

1. dont do menus

no menus

every1 knos that menus are lame an uncool, like babysitting your littl brother an going to the cinema cos they always say thins like “sir this film is a 18″ an i say “obvs i kno tha” (cos i ONLY go see 18s like Cradle 2 the Grave), an then they say “tha meeans yuo cant take in tha baby” an then i have to say to them “what baby?!” an then they say “that baby tha is shoved into your string vest” and then i say “thats not a baby thas a big rat tha hasnt got any hair.” an then they say “sir im not stupid” an then i say “you are!!” an then i take off my string vest to show them my muscles an they say “oh, it reealy is a giant rat with no hair” but then i normaly just go home cos im bored.

2. always hav a buffet option

yay buffets

tha another reeason why u shoouldnt have menus. cos buffets are a LOTS beetter.

some good buffets u cud have are:

  • egg (obvs)
  • rice (u can charg it by the handful)
  • mince (same as above)
  • ham
  • goose

3. make sur tha all of ur chairs hav AT LEEAST one broken leg


tha way peeopl always fallin over so they have to eeat quickly an leeave an thas good so that they don care abuot wat they eeating an also that you have space for every1.

4. location is important


good places:

  • near/in skate parks
  • westfields
  • close to a nice lookin ditsch
  • laserquests/paintaball areans/parjkur (anywhere near extrem sports)

bad places:

  • neear expensiv shops
  • next to a nandos (no one gonna come to ur lame guff place if ther a nandos neearby)
  • luton
  • opposit of a landfil
  • insid of a landfil
  • on a old street with coble stones (no one gonna blade ther, are they?!?!)

5. music / design

art and style

this a obvius one dummy.  u want peeople to come into ur restrant eeaat a REEALY big buffet meeal of eggs an minc and milk and then leeave VERY QUICKLY. but u gotta get them in the door first. that why u need sick music pumpin out. try hav these playin (not all at the sam time tho dummy LOL! but reeeallllyyyy loud!):

  • skirllex
  • david greuta
  • limp bizkit
  • ICP

for desing a few things that peeopl alwasy love are:

  • VERY BRITE COLORS (u want fellas to be happy don u?)
  • very brite lights (u want fellas to see wat they eeatin don u?)
  • lava lamps
  • fake grass (or reeal grass)
  • pics of famus peeople (im thinkin macualy calkun. ed sheeran. the big bang theeory cast. gerrarld butler – anyone who gonna mak peeopl think “hey if macualy calkun can come to a goose bufet then maybe i shud as well.)
  • broken ligths bulbs insetead of normal ones.
  • all of ur waitress and waitresers shud also weear camo all the time. they shud also be muscly

that eveything for now. but i will prolly have another thik an put up another one so that u can open a good restrant that doesn suck. mmaybe me an restrant guy can go have a coffey an a sausag roll at one of his greggz an discuss sum iddeas an then we can put up anothr post wen we are best frends.

if u need help wit ur restrant u can email me: an i can give u sume speshial tips tha i didn put up heere already.

i give this post 90000000/98762


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coys bar


The other day it was the first day of a new year an it got me to thiking about al of the thins I done the last year that gone on. Thins lik wen I went I stoppd tryin to be boyfriend and girlfren with Rachel koo (if u reeadin tho u can stil chang ur mind an we can go to an all u can eat cereal buffet tha I kno abuot thas really close to my house an definitely ISNT just me putting a whol kelogz variety pack in my bath an then fillin it with milk even tho TROY keeps on goin around an SAYIN THAT!), an also wen I went to puff town an didn do ANY bongs or wen I at sum grub at the clives club (good ole maps!) or wen me an Vin diesl went around beeatin up nerds who liked thins lik swimming an not-brakedancing. It got me thiking tha it was a pretty gud year.

So when I was finished bein happy an pattin my self on the back an spinning around in circles until I was dizzy an was sick in the corner of the nosh closet (my mum got reeal mad at me wen she found it cos she said “YUGNICH, you’ve ruined all the food in here. Its not even cold anymore cos of how hot ur sick is. Are u ill?”) I decided to get sum nice food.

I wen to a litl plac called coys bar wich is startd by a lil irish fella called coy who walks wit a stick even tho he dosnt have to just so that wen sum1 says sumthin mean to him lik “hey I bet that stick smells lik GUFFS COY!” he can drop it an go “I don even need it anyway” an then he does 3 backflips in a row an then sits in a perfect yoga position an laughs until the other fella runs away screming an crying an trying not to call his mum.

It a small litl  plac an u can only sit at the little bar when a bunch of cheffy fellas do thins lik boil rice and make instant noodles reeeeeeeealy slowly an quietly cos they are all tired and sleepy. I sat down an then ordred sum food an sum nice ladys bruoght me a big ole beer (wich I drank it super quick tim. Obvs) an then a bowl of sumthin wich I thik was defintly pig marshmelows wich were yummy an good an soft an only slightly like the marshmellows tha my mum used to put in my pokets befor I went to fight school. Then I scoffed them up which was reeal nice an then I got another dish wich had mince an instant noodles an sum orang juice or sumthin like that wich was good cos it tasted like wen I smash up a sausage roll an put it in with my cereal wich is always top.

Then wen I was finishd I stood on the bar thing an sed “hey why is the music so quiet?!?!?!” an then coy stuck his head around the corner an sed “got you!” an then turned up the stereo reeal loud an we played david guueta songs for 40 minutes whil we took turns in doin sick moves. Then every1 clapped an sed “wow 2014 is goin to be the best year ever” an i sed “yes it is.” Then coy looked at me an showed me his new tattoo of an sed “yes it is yugnich. yes it is”

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itsac from the clives club intervew



itsac is 1 chef frend of me an he also cooks sum food at his restrant called the clives club with his 2 bes frens called clive. they all reealy into maps an stuff. he prolly one of the best guys to kno abuot food. he kno even mor than jonty who works down at the gym an always lets me eeat some of his mash potato sanwiches wen go to the hot room togethr. he once went to leeds so that he cud go to all of the spagetti house restrants in 1 day but he said it was actually reeal eeasy cos ther arnt any spagetti house restrants in leeds so he just went home again an ate sum toast.

here is my rinterview:

Is there a way tha yuo can tel tha yuor  toast is cooked withuot lookin in the toaster?

yeah when the spam is microwaved it isz ready.

Is it true tha yuo decided to be a chef cos yuo an your frend got kicked out of after school graf-gang the “spout boys”?

no, we left cause they were well boring and their graffs were rubbarsh

Can you do a kickflip?

only a 720…..

Whats the higest number you ever counted to?

45, i always fall asleep if i start counting numbers

Are you sad tha you don get to go on the great british menu with fellas lik Tom Achin or go on MISTERCHEF with M-DOGG ROO?

Yes, but one day they will want to have me on misterchef the professionals and i will make them all cook chik nuggs as the test

Do you an Tom Achin stil play NHL 94 evry second weekend?

no,   he stopped playing with me and just plays against tom story now

Have you ever thought abuot openin a restrant called “Itsacs Fishshack” wher you just buy loads of gregs sausage rolls an write “PASTRY EEL” on them an then sell them for big bucks?

can i have that????

no isaac

Were all the good names taken when you decided to open you own restrant?

johnny wanted to call it SAUSAGE but that was way too future for shoreditch so we had to go with a boring name that the people of shoredurch could ‘get’

clives yum

How did you get al them fellas to give you money?

i don’t know but it worked.  i think it was the ribena and custard creams at the showround

How much money to do you thik I can get for my invention “3way mirror”? it’s a two mirror glued onto just a normal mirror so you can look THRUOGH the two mirror and see the NORMAL mirror. #mindbogglin

dunno i cant figure it out

Do you thik you will be the first restrant in London to have: 1. A skateramp? 2. Free bongs 3. Chees wheel Sundays?


Was it sad wen your chef frend from ‘lil turks had to go an be james bond?

yes, but daniel craig wasn’t feelin well and they needed someone real quick

How come fellas lik no.9 an no.3 an no.1 from slipknot can all work together in a band but chef fellas cant?

they got the masks so they can pull faces at each uthr and noone knows if they are in a bad mood

Now that thers los of horsemeat an stuf in shops do you thik a lot of vegetarians will start to chang ther minds abuot thins?

i thik the vegetarirans think they are are winning, and they need to watch out or they will be getting a big surprises soon

Wat wud you do if you were workin out an then you saw double A Gill on the treeadmil next to you?

i would spend the next 25 minutes talking to him about my holiday in sicily then just at the end tell him that he isnt veery good at writiing.

double a

Why do peeopl serve wine in restrants on its own if no one actuly drinks it without mixing it with A LOT of lemonade at home?

cos its french and everyone wants to look cool like they really into french stuff

6 Mar 2002 Nan and dogs wearing berets

do you have a discount at your restrant for juggalos?



How much money wil I prolly hav to bring if I wanna have a big scoff party at your place? Wat abuot if I promis to writ a blog post abuot it as well which wil have at LEEAST 12 gifs in it as well?

we don’t like GIFS

Do you thik you wud lik to be like godrun ramsney when you grow up?

yeah but i need to be more shouty

Whats the best sandwich that you can think of?

the one i had when i was in new york last autumn. it was great

My frend Hovis said that he reead on the internet tha they making a new star wars film.

i know rite

Wud you rather eeat nothing but potnoodles for a week or hav to be frends with Marc Us Warring for a year?



Wats your fav plac to eeat in olympics westfieeld?

still banned form going within 2 miles of that place after i did that night out with you and your mate Hovis.

Did yuo get these ideeas for food from my ideea/graf juornal?

-chix nuggz? YES

-Hummus cereeal an gravel? no you stole thAT  FROM ME

-Microwaved ham? THATS For the new restaurants we gonna open

-Any sort of eggs? em?

-Whol menu made from chix scraps? we tried that but it was too booring

thes are sum other ideeas that u can put on yuor menu an it can be like the nex CROTNUT:

-bong salad – stuf sum leeaves an potatos an muscls in a bong. Blaze for a sec. Scoff the slad scraps.

-Backwards fondu – eithr you shov bits of melted chees slics in lil birs of bred or you tak spoons of hog fat, dip it in sum minc, then scoff it down. i havnt decided wich yet.

-Donut – half doritos half nuts scrammed up into a lil ball.

-Baconzade – boil 1 hole tub of bacon in a pot of zade for a few huors. Tak it out. Chill the zade to drink later an eeat the bacon.

The suond of the sea – yuo mak some dreads out of sum fish mince. Put it on sum sand. Chuck it all on a ipad playin a sick playlist of jack jonson songs wit the itunes visulizer on MAX.

-backwards eggs – tak out the yolky bit from the othr bit of the egg. Put the yolky bit in the microwave for 20 mins. Put the whit bit in a syring an stab in into the yolky bit an then push it in ther. Then scof it down an try not be sick.


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puff town


yesterdat was haloween wich is 1 of my fav holidays cos yuo get to not go to work an sit at home al day watching scary movies like paranormal games an forrrest gump an the 1 wher the fella calls up peopl on the phone an says “ooh im watchiin yuo an yuor ar scared in ur big huose” an then he scares them lots cos he no good nancy. i thik it called “you got mail”. this yeear i dressed up reeal good as WOLVEREEN from XMEN an went trick or treeatin to my mums frend dane who lives next door an he lauged an said “yuo not even dressed up as anythin YUGNICH” an i lauged cos he OBVIOUSLY dosnt kno anythin about XMEN an didn reealis tha i was wolverin when he not mad and wen worlverin not made his forks don come out of his hands but he still muscly with sick hair an a metal skeleton. wen i finished laughin (wich was ALOT later) i said “ok wel if i don get a treeat then here comes yuor trick sucker. if im not dressd as wolverin cud i do this?” an then i ran down the steps and jumped heeadfirst into his car windscreen an it smashed evrywher an it was cool an awesome and dane was impressed an only a lil bit mad but not tha mad cos he said he din even hav a car anymore an he didn kno whos tha was. but i just lauged and sang the XMEN theme tune in my heead for ages.

wen i got out of the hospital for al the cuts an stuf i was feelin preety hungry so i decided to go to my frend Neils from jons salt and pits cube new restrant called Puff TOwn. i knew it was prolly gonna be good cos of a few thing 1 – neils pretty muscly an he got sick tattos 2 – neils liks sick music like insane clown possy 3 – it called puff town so ther prolly gonna be at leeast 1 chanc to do sum bongs 4 – dane wasnt gonna be there. wen i got ther i was surprised tha it wasnt mor cool an was actualy more like my nans house cos of the lame music (ed sheeeran can fall in a well) an old peeopl stuf. but at leeast it din smel lik cats an burnt hair (my nan lik to play a gam called ‘burn the cats hair’ but i don like it so much). but it was not tha bad reealy. then i wen to the bar an aksed for a drink an the lady said they had a milliion diff beers an wich one wud i like but i got confused so jus went an sat down anyway with a mug of zade tha i had in my bag anyway. then i orderd sum food an saw neils through a littl gap in the wall an he was got no shirt on an he was headbanging an i though “ok mayb this gonna be a lil sick” an then sum food cam wich was a mcdonalds apple pie with sum old eg an the inside of a sausag roll wich was yumster cos of the mcdonalds bit an then i got sum meeat which was tastin like my nans cats (like sum fire) an was pretty good an yum an i liked it quit a lot. then i said to the lady at the bar “how abuot some puff town bongs?” an she looked at me funny an din say anythin an i thuogh thats quit weird an then i looked aruond an evey1 was lookin at me weird an i din kno why so i put my shirt back on (even tho it was still all got lots of blood from wen i jumped thru the carr) an went home.

then wen i was gone to bed i reeliased why every1 was lookin at me funny: i was still dress as WOLVERINE> OBVIULSY!!!!!!!

i giv puff town 66/78. gud job,

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i try to buy 1 sik car


i wan to buy a car so tha i can be more muscly an then mayb rachel coo will come on a date wit me or reply to me emails or send me back al the pictures tha i did cos my mum says it NOT COOOL tha i did sick graf all over her bank stuf an flat stuf an job stuf an passport an drivin license an watever an sent it to sum woman. especialy sinc i din writ a adres on or a stamp or evn put it in a envelop an i shudda nevr given them to my frend who name i cant remember cos only met him onc in the street an tol him to give all my stuff to rachel coo. but i wasn reealy listen to her cos i was tryin to buy a car ONLINE. this wat happened wen i spok to l-town (i chang her nam from Hovis so that she got sum privacy):

You are now chatting with L-town.

L-town: Hello, and welcome to Toyota! You’re chatting to L-town, how may I assist you today?

yugnich: hello

yugnich: i need to find a new car

L-town: Ok great

L-town: What do you have in mind?

yugnich: sumthing quite fast

yugnich: but also big

yugnich: im quite muscly so i need lots of space

L-town: Ok what do you need the car for?

yugnich: to go to my job at the pet shop. to go on doritos runs. to buy burgrs.

yugnich: also my frend said that it would prolly get me a date?

L-town: Ok what is your budget?

yugnich: my mum got abuot 9 grand in her warrobe from when her frends tha not my dad come over an give to her

yugnich: i can use tha i think

yugnich: is there 1 car wich i can put my decks in as well? so i can vjay whil i drive also?

L-town: Have you thought about an urban cruiser?

L-town: This will fit well with your lifestyle

L-town: Plenty of room of your decks

yugnich: thats a cool name

L-town: Yes

yugnich: got graph on it?

yugnich: if not tha okay cos i can tag it myself


L-town: Have a look at the picture

L-town: Copy and paste this into your internet browser

L-town: You could think about an IQ that you can customise

yugnich: i customised my mums oven but she didn lik it cos she tha now theres no room for anythin in it cos i glued crocs alover the middle of it but i thik it looks sick

yugnich: can yuo make a ubran cruiser look lik this:

L-town: I unfortunately cannot look at the link you sent me

L-town: Its saying its not found

yugnich: soz l-town

yugnich: this one:

yugnich: ?

yugnich: its pretty gud graf skills (im bettr, obvs)

L-town: That looks great

L-town: Im impressed

yugnich: thaks.

yugnich: do u thik u wud want to go to nandos wit me i was in a car tha sik?

L-town: Unfortunately I am unable to do that

yugnich: do yuo think zooby deschanel from new girl wud want to go with me?

L-town: Is there anything I can assist you with car wise?

yugnich: How many boild eggs do you thik I can fit in the front of the ubran cruiser?

L-town: It has been great chatting to you, would you like any further assistance as other people are waiting to chat to me?

yugnich: i am sorry l-town. i thik i need to get my heead around cars more from now

yugnich: i kno yuo busy so soz i took yuor tim up

L-town: No it no problem

L-town: I am happy to talk to you, if it is car related

yugnich: i will prolly jus go play sum skyrim an win it for the millionth tim

yugnich: can i get a drivin licenc from toyorta?

L-town: Ok Great

L-town: No only from the DVLA

L-town: Sorry

yugnich: Duncan’s Video Laser Arcade?

yugnich: that plac is the bomb

L-town: I am very sorry to hear that.

L-town: Is there anything else I can help you with today?

yugnich: no thaks l town

yugnich: but yuo shouldnt be sorry. i happy abuot it

L-town: Thank you for chatting today.  As we value your feedback please click the ‘End Chat’ button at top right to answer a few questions about your experience with us.

L-town: Bye Yugnich

yugnich: i gotta go cos the fellas at the library saying i cant listen to rap metal any more

yugnich: by l-town

L-town: Bye

i din get a car in the end but it dont matter cos i mostly freerun anyway.

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tronkutso an my best eggs


I normally tell a lil story or summin wen I done a new blog revew cos obvs peeople prolly more inrested in wat sort of goofs an joshes I been doin lik changin all the letters around on the pet shop sign so that it says GUFF ON STEPS wich is obvs reealy funny (except Jase who my boss always get mad an says “Yugnich you don even WORK here anymor! Go away an stop changin the sign! I gonna call the polic next time!!!! also tel your mum tha I need to pick up my neon camo cargo shorts from her bedroom” but I normly don tel her anythin anyway cos she don like Jase cos he not my dad and cos she say he stupid cos the name NO GUFFS PETS is not a good name for a pet shop anyway.)

But this tim I not gonna tell a story cos of 2 thins. 1 is – I kno wat a tronkutso is now. The othr is I had the best egg I ever had!!!!

tronkutso is the nam of a restrant in london but I also sum food they serv ther wich is lik a pig cereeal cos it cos sum ham milk wich is milky like milk an tastes piggy lik ham. But the tronkutso also had a egg in it. wen I scoffed it down (obvs I did tha first) I was the mos hapy I evr been (apart from wen I finished skyrim for abuot the millonth tim an stone cold steve austin called me up an said “hey yugnich well don on finishin skyrim AGAIN we all reeal impressed an I wish I cud be a bit mor like yuo” an then he gav the phon to jasun stathum an he said “i wish I was as muscly an good at freerunnin as yuo” an I lauged cos obvs it was true but I was still happy)

 the egg was nic an eggy an it was a bit salt an it was yellow in the middl (lik sum yellow crocs) an a bit grey on the outsid (lik grey crocs. Or my nan) an it was good an I ate an thuoght “wow they mus hav sum good fella microwavin these eggs cos they are nice”. So I said to the lady who was servin me to brin me mor eggs an I scoffd lots of them down but then she said tha I cant hav anymor cos ther were too many peeopl waitin to come sit with me. I thik this cos I look lik a bit famus person wit my wrapruond sunglases and leeather shin straps an camo/tribal tatoos an also cos I was rap battlin myself (it was a draw) whil scoffin down them eggs.

The restrant ok but I don thik they not got los o money cos ther no reeal roof an most of the thins in ther I thik they got from bins. It wud prolly be a bit bettr if ther was mor lights an mayb if they paintd it all green or red or sumthin an put up sum posters an didn mak you eeat from old bits of sum ladys floors instead of on sum tables.

then i had to gone home cos i remembered i left my cereeal in the oven an it prolly burned most of my mums kitschen agan. on the trane home i thuoght abuot my best eggs. these ar my othre best eggs:

mcdronalsd mcegg

it in a bun. it tast pretty good. it dont cost so much dosh. an also if i wait outside the 1 near the tracadero in the mornin ther always sum lil loser who i can steeal one from. easy.


boild egg.


yugnich kid egg

creeam egg

39 mins in the microwav. bak in the freezer for a few days then scoff it down in 1 sandwich. nice

baby choc

all othr eggs.

i give tronkutso 76/88 an the egg 4/3.

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hawks an more

hawks an mor

quite sum months ago ther was all this stuf in the news abuot how fellas was eeating horses wen they was tryin to eeat burgers instead an it was real gud cos it was a gud oppatunity for fellas to make good joshes and say thins like “what did the barguy say wen a horse walked into a burgerr?” he say “hey the long faceQ!” an every1 was all laugin an stuff but it also mad me thik abuot all the thins tha we don normly eeat lik cats an rats an lettuc an hamsters (ther loads of hamsters at my old work an they reeal easy to catch cos they so silly and dum an they in cages an stuff). why don mos fellas even eeat eggshells? they free an thers lots of them an they don tast so bad an they only mak u bleed LOTS out of yuor mouth an yuor mum don even find out if yuo hav a spesh egg shel bag under yuor bed tha she don kno abuot until she come into yuor room an say “YUGNICH why is ther all this blood on yuor pillow again?! hav yuo been givin yuorself nosebleeds again? thas not how yuo get girls to like yuo!!” an i jus laug at her cos i din give myself a nosebleed i jus hit my heead against the wall wen i was rockin out to imagining tha i was listenin to mudvayn. an also all the egg shells i was eeatin.

i was thikin that it all such a wast of reeal good scoffs so i was real happy wen i heeard about a plac in london called “hawks an more” wich done food lik all the othr lil scrud bits of stuff tha no1 ever eaats lik hawks an donkeys an pigrats an stuf.  so i got a bus to spiterfield wich only took abuot a few huors cos i got lost an fell into a well an made frends with a rat whos name was droynal an he had wicked good diablo skills but then i realised i was in a bustop an droynal was a bin.

then i got to hawks an more an said “can i hav a big hawk please” an they said okay an then i sat down an at a lil table in the room an it was dark an it was lik a cool disco. an then they got brung me sum wine wich was quite nice (it wasn it was rank an lik vinegar an stuff but it was good an foody yuo know?) an then they got me sum old dog bones i thik cos they wer trying to impress me an put them in a fire an said “scoff on thos yuggers. fresh dog scrud” an it was okay an good but i wish fellas wud stop steeling my ideas for food thins cos 1 day i will prolly do my restrant an i will need to take back all these thins like dog bone fire sticks (hawks an more), chix nugs in tree bits (clives club), fat stik an bread (storeybooks), and eggs (norma) back so that all fellas cant cook them anymor. then they bruoght me sum big bit of hawk or pig or horse or summin an then i scoffed it down an it was nice an burnt an ther was blood an all sorts of stuf an it was good. then they said okay yuggers, yuo owe use abuot £100000 pounds an i said “ok but wat if i just promis to writ a blog abuot yuo” and they joshed with me an said “do yuo hav a blog?” an i lauged an then went home whil they wer shuotin at me abuot sumthin but i wasn even listen cos i was thinkin abuot the perfect horse joke. her it is:

“what did my dad say to the hors”

“Yugnich eats BURGERS!!! yuo shuold be SCARED!”


i giv hawks an more 59/80

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Jase Rayner Interwev


heres sum facts abuot my fren jase: he got more than 1k twit followers. he 1 of the bigest time food guys in the land. he writs abuot food an stuff for the Granuaid (LOLOLOL!). he can get pizzahut buffet anytime of the day he want!! sumtimes he cant sleep cos hes thinkin abuot all the differnt typs of crips flavs ther are (note to jase: doritos?!?!?!). me an him chilled out on the internet an i aksed him a few qestions. here they are: he also wanted me to tell u tha yuo shuold buy his book called “A Greedy Man Goes to Greggs and Falls into a Ditch” or somthing. u can get it here:

Is it annoyin wen peeopl thik tha yuo are marco peer white?


Not half as annoying as it is for Marco when they mistake him for me.

Wich restrant in London do yuo thik is most lik the band mumford an sons?

One of those fried chicken shops in Peckham


Because they both look like they could do with a good wash.

Who wud win a fight between yuo an timmers Hayward?

Hayward. He’s done time in the advertising business. That bitch is hard core.


Who wud play yuo in a film about AA gills life?

Marco because he’d need the work.


Wen yuo go on masterchef does Greg Wallspice sumtimes make yuo put yuor hand in his pocket whil he rocks out to men at work on his walkman?

He’s never asked but I can see in his eyes that he’d like me to. We don’t talk about it though.

Wat is yuor favurit sandwich besides the obvs ones (egg. Crisp. Mussles)

Marmite and cheese, though if you publish that I’ll deny it because my career will be over.

If a lobster is so nice an so speshial why does it mak yuor fingers smell lik yuo been scratchin a whales armpit after yuo eeaten it?

All the best things make your fingers small like that.

Do yuo sumtimes wish yuo cud swap places with Jezza Clarkson?

I’ve swapped with him, but Hammond got upset and started whining so we had to swap back again.

Hot dog or Burger? Wich 1 do yuo thik yuo cud keep in yuor pocket for longer befor yuor wife found out an tol yuo to throw it away?

I’ve had a hotdog in my jacket pocket for three months now, and my wife still hasn’t rumbled me. Next time we see each other I’ll let you touch my hot dog.

If yuo cud open yuor own restrant wud it be better than WokExpress?

No. I know my limits.

Wat got yuo started in food writin? Was it the deep pan pizza company?

Getting started was easy. It’s stopping that’s the problem. (The pizza company turned down my job application. I failed the psychometric test).

Wich of these London restrants is the bes?



dirty burger

Dirtey Burger


Lucky Chip



You left off that fried Chicken place in Peckham which is like Mumford and Sons. That one’s the best.


Is it true tha yuo used to be in a brakdansin crew calld “thugz 4 eva” but yuo were kicked out cos yuo ate every1s shreddys?

Where are you getting this stuff? After I hurt myself in the Deptford dance off incident I obtained a super injunction so nobody could ever discuss the damage I did to my coccyx.

Is yuor wife a better cook than Reny Redzepy?

She would be, but she hates foraging. Mostly we live on Weetabix and Sunny Delight in my house.

Is Reny Redzpey a better cook than tha fella from Dabooz?

That’s like Sophie’s choice, only with less of the genocide.


Wich plac do yuo thik Rachel Koo would lik to go to more?

She’d be happy to go to either but she can’t get out of her tiny kitchen because there’s a camera crew in the way.

Do yuo actshually lik eeatin hog an cow an sheep scraps lik ther inside rank bits, or do yuo jus do tha to look lik mor of a cool foody?

No, not at all, but it’s in my contract that I have to, and a guy’s got to make a living.

Wat is the plot of yuor novel?

I can’t tell you yet, except that it involves lots of lard, rubber tubing and a Josper Grill. It’s aimed right at the mummy porn market


Do yuo sumtimes wish tha yuo wer a bloggr so tha food peeopl wud give yuo los of free stuff an invit yuo to cool places an yuo wuldn hav to tell evry1 tha yuo got it for free or say to yuor boss that the deep fryer at KFC invited yuo to eeat as many family buckets as yuo want if yuo just Tweet about it?

All the time. At night I lie awake tossing, and dreaming of being Chris Pople or, if I’m feeling really dirty, the Critical Couple. Those people have it all and I have nothing.

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The Clives Club


it was jus eeaster time which is good cos it my favurit holiday (obvs!?) obvs it my fav cos it all abuot eggs an i reeally love eggs. but also i don reealy lik it cos it mostly choc eggs an not reeal eggs an tha a bit like a notgood joke like wen i tol my fren Royne tha i had all his dogs an cats an hamsters an thins (an he got ALOT of them cos he sum big nerd an stuff) an i lockd them in a car an drove them into the sun an he was all scard cos he say “YUGNICH YUO NOT ALUOD TO TAKE ANY ANIMALS OUT OUT OF THE PETSHOP ANYTIME EVER!!” an i lauged cos i said i just joshin they not reealy in my car i don even hav a car an yuo cant even drive a car into the sun cos it cant fly an no1 knos wher the sun actualy is anyway. an then we both lauged alot except he didn cos he was still shuotin thins like “I know yuo don have a car but wher are all the animals” and “did yuo open all the cages” an wat did i tell yuo abuot playin wrestlin with the hamsters yugnich!” but i didnt reealy care cos i knew he was jus angry cos i got ole Royne with a good josh. if yuo reeading this then LOL ROYNE! but he got me back to cos whenevr i go to work he always say to me yuo not aluod comin here anymor. josher.

so cos i din hav to gone to work cos of Royne;s joshing i thuoght i wud go get sum nic food in london at my frens Itsacs place in shohdatch an it calld clive’s club. ther 2 fellas ther who done all the waiterin an goofin with customers an stuff an they ar both called Clive an wen they wer yuonger they used to go to the same google maps fan group an then they started doin ther own google maps fan club in ther house an they called it The Clives Club an Itsac used to come aruond an he started brining snacks aruond for evryones like boiled eggs an grabags an stuff an they said “shud we start a cool restrant in a old museum or sumthin” an they said yes an then they chest pumped an then it was open.

I wen ther an then got a nice lil table in one of the old museum rooms an then i said “bring me sum burgers or sumin Clive” an they said okay an went off an got me sum food but it wasn burgers but it was stil quite good but i little mad at itsac cos he obvs stolen all my ideas for good foodstuffs. first he bruoght me sum lil chicken nuggs (yuo gotta give it to chicken nuggs. yuo just GOTTA!) an then sum lil red carrots wit sum spicy burger sauce an sum gravel which was quite good but not as good as the chick nugz. then they put sum ham in the microwave for me wich was nic an sweeaty wich i scoffed reeal quick an then i munched sum lil fish pile an then sum othr muscly fish with sum green stuff an green crips. then i did a lil bit of pressups an then they brung me a nice kebab wich they put on a plate an made it all fancy wich was quit good an then the last thin was a plat of sum hummus an sum gravel an sum cereeal wich was reeal good an i scoffed it all reeal quick.

then it was all good an fnished an i thuoght that quit nice 2 clives an itsac but now i gotta go home cos i jus rememered tha i had almost all the animals from the petshop in my bath an Royne is prolly made an also my mum wud prolly not be happy abuot me cloggin up the bath again. oh oh.

i give Clives Club 54/60 cos it was all my fav foods like gravel an chick nuggs an ham an stuff.


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jons salt


i been a bit sad for a whil cos the last thin i wrote on here was my lettr to the france cook TV lady rachel coo an I aksed her to write to me or somthin but she never did :(. wich is not good cos like my mum says, even if you don reeally like a fella you still have to be nice to them an invite them to play in yuor room becos it not everyday tha a fella comes round an brings yuo flowers or takes yuo to wokmania chines buffet or brings yuo a pineappl pizza or fixes yuor washin machine or leeaves his car somewher so tha you can crash into it.

so it made me sad for a lil whil an only listened to slow hoobastank songs an did a lot of dark art drawins wich were mostly inspird by banksy an they reeally good but i had to throw them away cos my mum says tha all the spraypaint scrud made our food go rancid an tha if i want to graf i shuold go do it on a wall somehwer an not inside of a fridge but i was only half listenin cos i was scoffin this old chees an onion pasty i found. aftr tha i was sick for lots of time but i thik i ok now. i just cant eeat tha many eggs anymor or look at ham or stand up so good.

wen i strated to feel bettr i thuoght i kno wat wud make me bettr it would be to go to the big smoke an scoff sum grub. i went to a place called jons salt wich is a place in sum boring scrud place tha looks lik a outdoor version of Stratford Westfield an is a restrant started by a fella called jon who used to just serve salt crips an othr scrud but then sum chef came alon and said “IM GONNA COOK HERE AN IM GONNA MAKE FELLAS EEAT BRICKS.” an then lots of fellas did go ther an fellas did eeat bricks but then he got bord an ran out of good bricks to find and got reeeeeealy into world of warcraft an said “I DON WAN TO COOK ANYMORE. NOW I AM A FULLTIME ORC!” an then he left so then sum othr chef fella from the pits cube truck came an said “ill cook here as long as i can start fires wherever i want an i get a lifetim supply of cool hats.” an jon said ok.

wen i got ther sum fella sat me on a lil bench with some othr fellas who obvs wanted to be my frend but i didnt talk to them much cos i was watchin youtube vids on my smartphone (obvs). the fellas were also a bit lame an was talkin lots abuot othr places they went to eeat an all fancy thins they done an fellas they knew so i looked at them an said “HEY LOOK THERS GODRUN RAMSNEY” an they got all excitd an 1 of them smashed his heead into the wall cos he was so excited an then i said “hes not reeally ther yuo doofuses.” an becos they wer so excited it was obvius they wernt propr foodies like me. so they cried an left.

then i ordered sum food wich was a big meeat crisp with sum coleslaw on it wich was ok an i scoffed it but most of my teeth broke on it i thik an then also a egg wich had sum crisps on it an it was with a lil pile of meeal scruds wich was quit nic an then i had a steeak meeat (or mayb it was horse! why the long neigh beef?!?!?!?!LOL) wich had a sause on it wich was a whol garlic breead scrunched into a lil sause an then sum chippy things wich was ok.

after i scoffed it all i said to the fellas good job. an then let the fellas next to me (still crying lika baby) pay for watevr i ate cos i din reealy want to an also i didn have any money anyway an then went home an felt better abuot rachel coo. becos now that i don care abuot her anymore i can focus on other chicks. so look out “the world”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i give jons salt 78/94

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