a open letter to rachel coo

rkhooks

deear rachel coo,

i know tha i mak a lot of goofs an tha i a bit of a cheeky guy, but im a bbit sad tha yuo never reply to my tweets or my emails or my phon calls (i always get scard an hang up befor yuo answer LOL!) an i not even sur yuo got tha bit of leftover pizza i sent to yuor house on xmas (if yuo did an yuo don want it can i hav it back?).

i rememer the first time i saw yuo on TV rkhooks an it was a greeat day. i had jus had a nice cold bath an me an my frend Tubbers wher dryin ourselvs off an he said “hey yugnich i bet yuo cuoldnt do a tombston lik the undertaker cuold yuo big wimp!” an i lauged cos obvs i knew tha i cud. prolly bettr than the undertaker actualy cos i thik i cud be in wrestlmania if i wanted but i don want to cos i just want to focus on being a big time food guy. so then as a surpris i jumped up on the couch to tombston Tubbers but then I changed my mind a bit becaus i immediatly fel over an smashed a glas coffe tabl an brok my nans wheelchair an fell into a fishtank an woke up the baby sleepin next door. but tubbers i thik was pretty glad i din tombston him cos he wudve been SORE!

wen i fell over i also fell onto the remot control an it turned on the TV an on TV was yuo R-Dog. i cant remember wat yuo were doing (prolly makin sum gross frogs legs or watever othr yuck stuff yuo mak is), but i thuogh “wow. thers 1 very pretty lady.” yuo had lips wich were red: as red as jordans. an hair wich was black: as black as a black pencil crayon. an a smile tha was like a cheeky baby guffing itself. an yuo had eyes.

i thuoght “wow yugnich is that yuor mu is tha yuor future wife?” an then i thuoght again “yes it prolly is.” so thas wen i fell in love with yuo rachel. an thas when i started to send yuo stuf an try get yuor attenshion.

i know it must be hard for yuo cos yuo prolly got a reeal weeak wimpy fella in greece (or wherevr yuo are), an he prolly crys at yuo al the time to stay with him an make poridg an boring stuff. an i kno yuo prolly scard that if yuo came to me yuod get jealuos cos i was so muscly an whenevr i tak yuuo out on my scootr an i got my bandana on an my spandex crocs an im got no shirt on an the rain is makin my guns reeal wet yuo imagin los of girls comin up to me an sayin “wow yugnich yuo so buff. yuo wanna do snogs?” but it actualy doesnt happen tha much (prolly cos they also nervuos). so yuo shuoldn worry.

it valentins day today rachel an i don wan yuo to be alone. my mum said tha no1 shuold be alone an so thas why she invites los of her frens aruond tha im not aloud to call dad an im also not aloud to play with them in her room. its gud tha she isnt lonley an so i don wan yuo to be lonely eithr cos sumtimes when peeople try to not be lonly they make othr peeopl lonley an tha isnt nice.

we wudnt even hav to go anywer r-coo. my mum is gonna see her-not-dad-frend so yuo can come aruond an i can make us sum chix bits an then yuo cud watch me do sum pressups and we can both think abuot out favuorit ice creeam flavuors (yellow).

yuo might be busy tho rachel so mayb im sorry. if yuo reead this can yuo pleeas at leeast say hello? send me a tweet (@yugnichgritkin) or a email (yugnich@hotmail.co.uk) or a letter or a cake or a box of crackers or find me on the skyrim forums or sumthing cos tha wud make me very happy.

thank yuo.

yuor guy,

Yugnich Gritkin

xxx

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