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I used to hav a frend called “the walrus” who was famus in the streets between the A3 an the mud tunnel next to ASDA beacus he was always very very dizzy, an also because he had more plastic bags than any other person tha i knew of. he had so many tha he cud put them up into a a BIG pile an use it as a VERY smal bed. i tried to sleep on it once but the whol time yuo tried to move it suonded lik you wer in a gravel-trap an also “the walrus” was quite big an hard to push off u after he had had drunk his nightim cup of bleeeach an water.

one day wen we were tryin to catch rat-frogs under a bridg he said to me “yuo kno yugnich, i got everything – i famous. i got more plastic bags than anyone i kno” (then he fell over quick cos he was very very dizzy) “but i stil don thik tha i so happy abuot thins”

i lauged cos i knew tha it was jus cos he was hangin out with me and if yuo always lookin at someone who cool an who muscly and who can grow any sort of beeard (braided, solepatsh, chin, oneside, corn rows, bleached) then of course you not gonna be happy. no matter how many plastic bags you got. but i didn say tha cos i knew he wud be sad and drink a whole new cup tha was mostly bleach an not very much water.

insteead i said – “i will take yuo to a fancy place and tha will cheer you up.” i hadnt gone to a restraunt for a while because last time i went my small hairy frend Richard ‘Drickens’ Dawkins said got scared cos he brought sumthing back from the deepweb and had to go home early. i was also a bit scared but i realisd tha cos he was small an cos he didnt kno abuot thins an only liked to listen to his own beatboxing (even tho mine or even Troy’s (!!!) was better) he was always gonna be scared of the deep web. i will nevr be scared of the deep web or of anythin except from mayb very murky swimming pools an lions with machine guns strapped their moutsh an getting old (LOL!)

so me an “the walrus” got onto his trike an pedalled all the way to a restraunt called Myfields wich was opened by a chef fella cos he was always gettin kicked out of other peeopls gardesn for trying to eat their trees. he was reeal angry an jus wanted to scoff down sum good grub so he found a old sauna an said “this is a gud plac for a restrant” an then he called it myfields cos it was his field (evn tho it actualy jus a old sauna an it tiny an ther no grass or anythin).

me an “the walrus” came in an put down all of “the walrus”s plastic bags into a corner which took about 10 minutes cos they kept blowin evrywher an sum fella in the restrant kept tryin to stop us from doin it an sayin “you can put all of those bags in here – where did they come from? do you a reservation? why wont u say anythin to me? wher is tha smell of bleeach comin from?” wen we FINALLy managed to stuff the bags into the drains an plug sockets and corners an thins (there not many places to stuff bags – BTW) so that they wouldn go away we sat down at one of the tiny tables an said “grub me up!!!” wich everyone thought was HILARIOUs.

the fella who was stil cryin about tha he didnt have as many bags as “the walrus” cam an bruoght sum wine an sum food wich was a bit of old fish wich had some fishy gravel lumps with it and also had a soup of blackjacks on it. it was gross but i scoffed it down pretty quick cos i was intrested to look cool. “the walrus” had sum milk lump with syrup an he said he liked it.

then when we finished scoffin our grub i said “hey walrus. why do you can be called “the walrus”?” an he said “no one calls me the walrus” an i laughed an punched him full into the middle of his face. then he laughed too an then we both laughed an then the crying fella said “you ar goin to have to move your bags. also the bleach smell is upsettin everyone.” then i said “if your name not “the walrus” what is your name?”

an then “the walrus” said “my name is niall horan from one direction” an i said “the walrus is a much better name” an then the crying fella said “i threw your bags away” an then “niall horan from one direction” said “oh. thats sad.”

I give myfields 37/56


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Brun Daddy

brun daddy

after i wen thru the secret door in the back of the fridge in lilos me an my new friend Drickens wernt even cold at all. i wasnt tha surprised that i wasnt because i dont really feel the weather tha much becaus of my muscles an my collection of beanees, string vests, gilets, doorags, small shorts and fur coats but i was mor surprised tha the small muscly hair fella Drickens (who was my new best frend) wasnt shivering or trying to soil himself to make him warm like my mums dog knuckles.

Drickens – who wasnt in the pocket of my dungarees anymor – look pretty happy so i said “why arent we cold if we just in a fridge?” an he said “because we not in a fridge anymore” and i said “where are we then?” and he laughed an pointed at something just behind my head. i turned around an saw a normal borin old tree tha i couldve easily climb if i wanted to but i jus didnt want to. “thas a boring tree an i could easily climb it Drickens” i said to Drickens an then he said “maybe you should have a closer look Yuggers. Also what is that in your pocket? is that hummus?” an i laughed cos i remember tha back when i was in lilos i got a handful just in case for the bus home.

then i looked closer at the tree an realised tha insteead of pineapples an butternuts an crips it was growin ostrich eggs the size of a mirror balls an i instantl jumped up, done a 180 an then went to get as many eggs as i cud get into my hands. i was so excited that i started rapping the lyrics to “Gravel Hut” wich is a song by my new favourit rapper GrugMubbelz####^^#

i picked up a whol 40 of the eggs an was just abuot to kick a few into the sun jus for fun when Drickens ran over an was crying like a lil baby or something an sayin “Yuggers no you shouldn do tha!” an i said “why not you dweeb?” an he said “jus cos tha tree got so many ostrich eggs it don mean tha you should take them. do you even want to eat tha many ostrich eggs?” an i said “trash my frash, Ash” wich is a line from Gravel Hut.

Then Drickens got scared an said we should go cos of tha eggs tha i took an he started running towards a well tha was as wide as a bus an he jumped in an he said follow me quickly! an i said “okay you dweeb and why don you tell me wher we are anyway?” an he said “WERE IN THE DEEP WEB YUGNIChH! THE DEEP WEB!!”

an i said ive been to the deep web before (cos ive been ONLINE) an then we fell for 40 minuts until it was so dark tha i couldnt see anythin apart from my glow in the dark tattoos.

then we cam to the end of the well an then Drickens said “through here” an we went through a small door an we came out into a toilet in a small basement an i said “wher are we now?” an he said we at the restrant Brun Daddy wich is a noodle place. an i said ok an then we went upstairs wher ther was lots of loud music an lots of people running around for no reason an everyone pretendin to be happy but also angry an some fella came to me an said do you want to eat somethin an i said “no thaks i stil got sum hummus” an then Drickens looked scared an i said “why you scared you small hairy doofus” an he stopped shakin for just a second and looked at me with his scared lame eyes.

then he said “somethin else came through the door from the deep web Yugnich. something dangerous.”

I wasnt scared at all but Drickens didnt look like he had seen the Undertaker on a bad day.

i give Brun Daddy 18/40

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in london every1 always says ” we so spoiled for good thins to do” and everyone always so happy about the different scoff holes and bars an thins. but fellas dont often stop to think and say “hey actualy. where is the nearest paintball arean? what do i do if i wan to climb a tree as big as a buildin? if ther so many dojos then how come mos people arent even close to the level of karaty as me?” but it not such a bad place reealy.

i decided i should go to the new scran place from the chef frend of itsac and the clives from the clives club who is called Jonty Loowey an he used hav the world record for the most earings in 1 ear (6). he used to do cookin with his frends itsac and clives but then he decided to take sum time off so tha he could build the biggest beanbag in london. after a yeear he remembred he was allergic to beans an also bags so then he decided he prolly rather do a restrant instead so he opened a place called lilos which is named after a lilo cos of it is in a old changing room for a swimmin pool.

i went in an they said “hi do you have a reservation” an i said “my name is Neddins” which is a joke cos my name isnt Neddins its yugnich an then the lady behind the restrant desk said “i bet tha your joshin me. are you yugnich?” an i said “yes good one how did you know?” an she said somethin about my muscles, about my cool clogs and also something about that i had to put a shirt on an also i should stop screamin my own name. obvs i wasnt listening tho cos i was already smelling all of the things tha Jonty was cooking which i think was meat cereal.

i sat down on a lil chair an ordered a full plate of milk an a full bag of corn an then scratched my name an also a pictur of a horse into the table. then jonty came over an gave me a dish of food which was a old fish wich didnt even pong tha much at all. i took a bite an it was quite nice an a bit like eeating a chicken dipper if it was actually a fish.

then when i finished the fish i look down an seen that there actually a lil person who was one half as muscly as the rock an also one half as hairy as a badger and he looked up at me an say “hi yugnich” an his voice was as like the noise of a washing machine. an i say “hi lil hairy muscly guy” an then we shook hands an we exchanged email addresses an twitter names. then he got off my plate an pulled out a small pair of googl glasses an put them on an say “now tha you finished your ole fish why don we go for an adventur” so i put him in the top pocket of my dungarees an we got up an i started doin teh moonwalk to the door.

but then the lil guy said “no not thaat way yuggers” an he pointed towards a different way an i said “okay why not”. an then he pointed me to the kitchen where i walked in an told jonty not to worry (but he didn mind cos he was secretly eeating a family bag of nik naks an was blind from orange) an then me and the lil fella went to the fridge an i walked in an then the little fella got out of my pocket an jumped down to the corner of the fridge an knocked 4 times on the wall an all of a sudden a secret door opened an wat was behind it was the most SIIICK thing i ever seen in my life an i nearly was sick all down myself for a hour or two.

then the lil muscly guy said “cool huh?” an i nodded an i said “wat is your name lil fella” and he said “my name is richard dawkins. but you can call me Drickens.”

an then we went in the secret door in the back of the fridge in lilos

i give lilos 38/49

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foods for to have of the WORLD cup

every 7 years ther a competison called the WORLD cup wher all the countrys in the world (except for wales) get togethr and play a coupl of games of footers to show every1 how good and happy with every1 they are. it normally a big party at my house for it an more than 3 people come round becos i always do somethin speacial lik buy more than 1 bag of plain nuts an crack open a new bottl of milk. i think this year for the BIG FINAL i wil be havin a party in the biggest NCP car park i can think of (in warrwik) an any1 who comes will get a free breead bin an also be able to watch the special featurs from the DVD of couples retreeat 2. my frieend chudney will also bring his radio so tha he can listen to the BIG FOOTBAL an let every1 kno who won. if anyone wants, they can also put a wash on. last time we dun this it was reeal excitin. espesially wen andy murray won it an shot his gun into the air becos he was so happy.

i been thinkin tha maybe other peeopl wud lik to have big parties to, but then i thought “what if othr peopl don kno about other foods of the world like i do.” so her ar som things that you can read and then pretend that you already knew it.

foods for to have from other cuontries:



brazil is the smmallest country in the world, but they have more than a million of footbal players an some of them are very gud. ther best player is Nimir, who used to be a ultimatte frisbee player. then he decided he was bored of it an sum fella made him play footbal instead. in brazil the most popular food is rice pudding. heres my recipe:

brazil rice pudding

1 x rice trough

boil some rice until it is rice pudding.



1 of the best footbal players ever came from argentina an his name was mudadona. he was as big as a tree and didnt hardly ever smell of eggs. today the best player they have is called mussy. he is a BIGTIME food guy, and his favurit thin to do when its not kickin footbals into the goal is to make a big stew. his favurit stew? easy: salt stew. next tim tha mussy is doin a big goal, why don yuo make this?

salt stew

1 x salt bucket

1 x some water

1 x as much flour as your can fit in yuor pocket

1 x as much hummus as you can fit in yuor pocket (lots)

put the salt and the wter in a pot an boil it up for a few hours.




this yeear england peopl don lik  uruguay becos of that they are usin too much of the internet and slowing the england teams web times down. mr wayne ronty (who our best player is) said that he cudnt even get onto askjeeves. And he was needed to get on to askjeeves cos he had to search abuot how the best way to get a goal is in the footbal. the player swariz is from uruguay and he is always ONLINE. the biggest chatroom in uruguay is called “chatattack” an sumtimes ther are more than 40 people in it at any 1 time. the best food from uruguay is called boiled ham. here is my recipe:

boiled ham

1 x ham

microwav it until it is lukewarm (make sure it isnt got LOADS of mould on it)



holland is a country tha used to be a island until japan decided to build a bridge to it. now it is not a island now and is prolly the most famous country in the world for sushi which is old fish tha is VERY smelly but not completly rancid. the big player on the holland football team is a fella called Rubbens. he is extra good because he eats the most sushi of anyone in the team and also because he has got the spikyest hair in all of the WORLD cup. here is my recipe for a egg sandwich

egg sandwich

1 x egg

3 x bread

boil the egg. put it in the bread (no shells)




germany is very well known for the quality of ther milk. shwiggles is a goal guy from germany an he HATES milk.


1 x milk


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how to hav 1 gud restrant


las nite ther was a gud show on TV called the restrant guy. it abuot sum fella who owns loads of greggz and pizza huts who goes aruond to other fellas in the country who want to open restrants but they dont reealy have gud ideas abuot anything and the restrant guy has to say thins like “do you want me to wash your dishes?” it quite good but he always jus wanderin around saying thins like “wen i opened my 3rd greggs i had to eeat all the sausag rolls for at leeast until ther was none left. but these fellas havent even eeaten 1 sausag roll?!?!” an then they go to visit one of his frends an in the end its all ok but i wasnt reealy sure howcome the silly fellas make it okay an neither is restrant guy but then he turns to the camera and takes his shirt off and says “gud thing they listened to me” an then he heeadbutts a tree or sumthin.

but openin a gud restrant is EEEASY. jus aks GregG Wrallance from misterchef. if u didnt kno before, here a few othr tips:

1. dont do menus

no menus

every1 knos that menus are lame an uncool, like babysitting your littl brother an going to the cinema cos they always say thins like “sir this film is a 18” an i say “obvs i kno tha” (cos i ONLY go see 18s like Cradle 2 the Grave), an then they say “tha meeans yuo cant take in tha baby” an then i have to say to them “what baby?!” an then they say “that baby tha is shoved into your string vest” and then i say “thats not a baby thas a big rat tha hasnt got any hair.” an then they say “sir im not stupid” an then i say “you are!!” an then i take off my string vest to show them my muscles an they say “oh, it reealy is a giant rat with no hair” but then i normaly just go home cos im bored.

2. always hav a buffet option

yay buffets

tha another reeason why u shoouldnt have menus. cos buffets are a LOTS beetter.

some good buffets u cud have are:

  • egg (obvs)
  • rice (u can charg it by the handful)
  • mince (same as above)
  • ham
  • goose

3. make sur tha all of ur chairs hav AT LEEAST one broken leg


tha way peeopl always fallin over so they have to eeat quickly an leeave an thas good so that they don care abuot wat they eeating an also that you have space for every1.

4. location is important


good places:

  • near/in skate parks
  • westfields
  • close to a nice lookin ditsch
  • laserquests/paintaball areans/parjkur (anywhere near extrem sports)

bad places:

  • neear expensiv shops
  • next to a nandos (no one gonna come to ur lame guff place if ther a nandos neearby)
  • luton
  • opposit of a landfil
  • insid of a landfil
  • on a old street with coble stones (no one gonna blade ther, are they?!?!)

5. music / design

art and style

this a obvius one dummy.  u want peeople to come into ur restrant eeaat a REEALY big buffet meeal of eggs an minc and milk and then leeave VERY QUICKLY. but u gotta get them in the door first. that why u need sick music pumpin out. try hav these playin (not all at the sam time tho dummy LOL! but reeeallllyyyy loud!):

  • skirllex
  • david greuta
  • limp bizkit
  • ICP

for desing a few things that peeopl alwasy love are:

  • VERY BRITE COLORS (u want fellas to be happy don u?)
  • very brite lights (u want fellas to see wat they eeatin don u?)
  • lava lamps
  • fake grass (or reeal grass)
  • pics of famus peeople (im thinkin macualy calkun. ed sheeran. the big bang theeory cast. gerrarld butler – anyone who gonna mak peeopl think “hey if macualy calkun can come to a goose bufet then maybe i shud as well.)
  • broken ligths bulbs insetead of normal ones.
  • all of ur waitress and waitresers shud also weear camo all the time. they shud also be muscly

that eveything for now. but i will prolly have another thik an put up another one so that u can open a good restrant that doesn suck. mmaybe me an restrant guy can go have a coffey an a sausag roll at one of his greggz an discuss sum iddeas an then we can put up anothr post wen we are best frends.

if u need help wit ur restrant u can email me: an i can give u sume speshial tips tha i didn put up heere already.

i give this post 90000000/98762


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coys bar


The other day it was the first day of a new year an it got me to thiking about al of the thins I done the last year that gone on. Thins lik wen I went I stoppd tryin to be boyfriend and girlfren with Rachel koo (if u reeadin tho u can stil chang ur mind an we can go to an all u can eat cereal buffet tha I kno abuot thas really close to my house an definitely ISNT just me putting a whol kelogz variety pack in my bath an then fillin it with milk even tho TROY keeps on goin around an SAYIN THAT!), an also wen I went to puff town an didn do ANY bongs or wen I at sum grub at the clives club (good ole maps!) or wen me an Vin diesl went around beeatin up nerds who liked thins lik swimming an not-brakedancing. It got me thiking tha it was a pretty gud year.

So when I was finished bein happy an pattin my self on the back an spinning around in circles until I was dizzy an was sick in the corner of the nosh closet (my mum got reeal mad at me wen she found it cos she said “YUGNICH, you’ve ruined all the food in here. Its not even cold anymore cos of how hot ur sick is. Are u ill?”) I decided to get sum nice food.

I wen to a litl plac called coys bar wich is startd by a lil irish fella called coy who walks wit a stick even tho he dosnt have to just so that wen sum1 says sumthin mean to him lik “hey I bet that stick smells lik GUFFS COY!” he can drop it an go “I don even need it anyway” an then he does 3 backflips in a row an then sits in a perfect yoga position an laughs until the other fella runs away screming an crying an trying not to call his mum.

It a small litl  plac an u can only sit at the little bar when a bunch of cheffy fellas do thins lik boil rice and make instant noodles reeeeeeeealy slowly an quietly cos they are all tired and sleepy. I sat down an then ordred sum food an sum nice ladys bruoght me a big ole beer (wich I drank it super quick tim. Obvs) an then a bowl of sumthin wich I thik was defintly pig marshmelows wich were yummy an good an soft an only slightly like the marshmellows tha my mum used to put in my pokets befor I went to fight school. Then I scoffed them up which was reeal nice an then I got another dish wich had mince an instant noodles an sum orang juice or sumthin like that wich was good cos it tasted like wen I smash up a sausage roll an put it in with my cereal wich is always top.

Then wen I was finishd I stood on the bar thing an sed “hey why is the music so quiet?!?!?!” an then coy stuck his head around the corner an sed “got you!” an then turned up the stereo reeal loud an we played david guueta songs for 40 minutes whil we took turns in doin sick moves. Then every1 clapped an sed “wow 2014 is goin to be the best year ever” an i sed “yes it is.” Then coy looked at me an showed me his new tattoo of an sed “yes it is yugnich. yes it is”

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itsac from the clives club intervew



itsac is 1 chef frend of me an he also cooks sum food at his restrant called the clives club with his 2 bes frens called clive. they all reealy into maps an stuff. he prolly one of the best guys to kno abuot food. he kno even mor than jonty who works down at the gym an always lets me eeat some of his mash potato sanwiches wen go to the hot room togethr. he once went to leeds so that he cud go to all of the spagetti house restrants in 1 day but he said it was actually reeal eeasy cos ther arnt any spagetti house restrants in leeds so he just went home again an ate sum toast.

here is my rinterview:

Is there a way tha yuo can tel tha yuor  toast is cooked withuot lookin in the toaster?

yeah when the spam is microwaved it isz ready.

Is it true tha yuo decided to be a chef cos yuo an your frend got kicked out of after school graf-gang the “spout boys”?

no, we left cause they were well boring and their graffs were rubbarsh

Can you do a kickflip?

only a 720…..

Whats the higest number you ever counted to?

45, i always fall asleep if i start counting numbers

Are you sad tha you don get to go on the great british menu with fellas lik Tom Achin or go on MISTERCHEF with M-DOGG ROO?

Yes, but one day they will want to have me on misterchef the professionals and i will make them all cook chik nuggs as the test

Do you an Tom Achin stil play NHL 94 evry second weekend?

no,   he stopped playing with me and just plays against tom story now

Have you ever thought abuot openin a restrant called “Itsacs Fishshack” wher you just buy loads of gregs sausage rolls an write “PASTRY EEL” on them an then sell them for big bucks?

can i have that????

no isaac

Were all the good names taken when you decided to open you own restrant?

johnny wanted to call it SAUSAGE but that was way too future for shoreditch so we had to go with a boring name that the people of shoredurch could ‘get’

clives yum

How did you get al them fellas to give you money?

i don’t know but it worked.  i think it was the ribena and custard creams at the showround

How much money to do you thik I can get for my invention “3way mirror”? it’s a two mirror glued onto just a normal mirror so you can look THRUOGH the two mirror and see the NORMAL mirror. #mindbogglin

dunno i cant figure it out

Do you thik you will be the first restrant in London to have: 1. A skateramp? 2. Free bongs 3. Chees wheel Sundays?


Was it sad wen your chef frend from ‘lil turks had to go an be james bond?

yes, but daniel craig wasn’t feelin well and they needed someone real quick

How come fellas lik no.9 an no.3 an no.1 from slipknot can all work together in a band but chef fellas cant?

they got the masks so they can pull faces at each uthr and noone knows if they are in a bad mood

Now that thers los of horsemeat an stuf in shops do you thik a lot of vegetarians will start to chang ther minds abuot thins?

i thik the vegetarirans think they are are winning, and they need to watch out or they will be getting a big surprises soon

Wat wud you do if you were workin out an then you saw double A Gill on the treeadmil next to you?

i would spend the next 25 minutes talking to him about my holiday in sicily then just at the end tell him that he isnt veery good at writiing.

double a

Why do peeopl serve wine in restrants on its own if no one actuly drinks it without mixing it with A LOT of lemonade at home?

cos its french and everyone wants to look cool like they really into french stuff

6 Mar 2002 Nan and dogs wearing berets

do you have a discount at your restrant for juggalos?



How much money wil I prolly hav to bring if I wanna have a big scoff party at your place? Wat abuot if I promis to writ a blog post abuot it as well which wil have at LEEAST 12 gifs in it as well?

we don’t like GIFS

Do you thik you wud lik to be like godrun ramsney when you grow up?

yeah but i need to be more shouty

Whats the best sandwich that you can think of?

the one i had when i was in new york last autumn. it was great

My frend Hovis said that he reead on the internet tha they making a new star wars film.

i know rite

Wud you rather eeat nothing but potnoodles for a week or hav to be frends with Marc Us Warring for a year?



Wats your fav plac to eeat in olympics westfieeld?

still banned form going within 2 miles of that place after i did that night out with you and your mate Hovis.

Did yuo get these ideeas for food from my ideea/graf juornal?

-chix nuggz? YES

-Hummus cereeal an gravel? no you stole thAT  FROM ME

-Microwaved ham? THATS For the new restaurants we gonna open

-Any sort of eggs? em?

-Whol menu made from chix scraps? we tried that but it was too booring

thes are sum other ideeas that u can put on yuor menu an it can be like the nex CROTNUT:

-bong salad – stuf sum leeaves an potatos an muscls in a bong. Blaze for a sec. Scoff the slad scraps.

-Backwards fondu – eithr you shov bits of melted chees slics in lil birs of bred or you tak spoons of hog fat, dip it in sum minc, then scoff it down. i havnt decided wich yet.

-Donut – half doritos half nuts scrammed up into a lil ball.

-Baconzade – boil 1 hole tub of bacon in a pot of zade for a few huors. Tak it out. Chill the zade to drink later an eeat the bacon.

The suond of the sea – yuo mak some dreads out of sum fish mince. Put it on sum sand. Chuck it all on a ipad playin a sick playlist of jack jonson songs wit the itunes visulizer on MAX.

-backwards eggs – tak out the yolky bit from the othr bit of the egg. Put the yolky bit in the microwave for 20 mins. Put the whit bit in a syring an stab in into the yolky bit an then push it in ther. Then scof it down an try not be sick.


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puff town


yesterdat was haloween wich is 1 of my fav holidays cos yuo get to not go to work an sit at home al day watching scary movies like paranormal games an forrrest gump an the 1 wher the fella calls up peopl on the phone an says “ooh im watchiin yuo an yuor ar scared in ur big huose” an then he scares them lots cos he no good nancy. i thik it called “you got mail”. this yeear i dressed up reeal good as WOLVEREEN from XMEN an went trick or treeatin to my mums frend dane who lives next door an he lauged an said “yuo not even dressed up as anythin YUGNICH” an i lauged cos he OBVIOUSLY dosnt kno anythin about XMEN an didn reealis tha i was wolverin when he not mad and wen worlverin not made his forks don come out of his hands but he still muscly with sick hair an a metal skeleton. wen i finished laughin (wich was ALOT later) i said “ok wel if i don get a treeat then here comes yuor trick sucker. if im not dressd as wolverin cud i do this?” an then i ran down the steps and jumped heeadfirst into his car windscreen an it smashed evrywher an it was cool an awesome and dane was impressed an only a lil bit mad but not tha mad cos he said he din even hav a car anymore an he didn kno whos tha was. but i just lauged and sang the XMEN theme tune in my heead for ages.

wen i got out of the hospital for al the cuts an stuf i was feelin preety hungry so i decided to go to my frend Neils from jons salt and pits cube new restrant called Puff TOwn. i knew it was prolly gonna be good cos of a few thing 1 – neils pretty muscly an he got sick tattos 2 – neils liks sick music like insane clown possy 3 – it called puff town so ther prolly gonna be at leeast 1 chanc to do sum bongs 4 – dane wasnt gonna be there. wen i got ther i was surprised tha it wasnt mor cool an was actualy more like my nans house cos of the lame music (ed sheeeran can fall in a well) an old peeopl stuf. but at leeast it din smel lik cats an burnt hair (my nan lik to play a gam called ‘burn the cats hair’ but i don like it so much). but it was not tha bad reealy. then i wen to the bar an aksed for a drink an the lady said they had a milliion diff beers an wich one wud i like but i got confused so jus went an sat down anyway with a mug of zade tha i had in my bag anyway. then i orderd sum food an saw neils through a littl gap in the wall an he was got no shirt on an he was headbanging an i though “ok mayb this gonna be a lil sick” an then sum food cam wich was a mcdonalds apple pie with sum old eg an the inside of a sausag roll wich was yumster cos of the mcdonalds bit an then i got sum meeat which was tastin like my nans cats (like sum fire) an was pretty good an yum an i liked it quit a lot. then i said to the lady at the bar “how abuot some puff town bongs?” an she looked at me funny an din say anythin an i thuogh thats quit weird an then i looked aruond an evey1 was lookin at me weird an i din kno why so i put my shirt back on (even tho it was still all got lots of blood from wen i jumped thru the carr) an went home.

then wen i was gone to bed i reeliased why every1 was lookin at me funny: i was still dress as WOLVERINE> OBVIULSY!!!!!!!

i giv puff town 66/78. gud job,

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i try to buy 1 sik car


i wan to buy a car so tha i can be more muscly an then mayb rachel coo will come on a date wit me or reply to me emails or send me back al the pictures tha i did cos my mum says it NOT COOOL tha i did sick graf all over her bank stuf an flat stuf an job stuf an passport an drivin license an watever an sent it to sum woman. especialy sinc i din writ a adres on or a stamp or evn put it in a envelop an i shudda nevr given them to my frend who name i cant remember cos only met him onc in the street an tol him to give all my stuff to rachel coo. but i wasn reealy listen to her cos i was tryin to buy a car ONLINE. this wat happened wen i spok to l-town (i chang her nam from Hovis so that she got sum privacy):

You are now chatting with L-town.

L-town: Hello, and welcome to Toyota! You’re chatting to L-town, how may I assist you today?

yugnich: hello

yugnich: i need to find a new car

L-town: Ok great

L-town: What do you have in mind?

yugnich: sumthing quite fast

yugnich: but also big

yugnich: im quite muscly so i need lots of space

L-town: Ok what do you need the car for?

yugnich: to go to my job at the pet shop. to go on doritos runs. to buy burgrs.

yugnich: also my frend said that it would prolly get me a date?

L-town: Ok what is your budget?

yugnich: my mum got abuot 9 grand in her warrobe from when her frends tha not my dad come over an give to her

yugnich: i can use tha i think

yugnich: is there 1 car wich i can put my decks in as well? so i can vjay whil i drive also?

L-town: Have you thought about an urban cruiser?

L-town: This will fit well with your lifestyle

L-town: Plenty of room of your decks

yugnich: thats a cool name

L-town: Yes

yugnich: got graph on it?

yugnich: if not tha okay cos i can tag it myself


L-town: Have a look at the picture

L-town: Copy and paste this into your internet browser

L-town: You could think about an IQ that you can customise

yugnich: i customised my mums oven but she didn lik it cos she tha now theres no room for anythin in it cos i glued crocs alover the middle of it but i thik it looks sick

yugnich: can yuo make a ubran cruiser look lik this:

L-town: I unfortunately cannot look at the link you sent me

L-town: Its saying its not found

yugnich: soz l-town

yugnich: this one:

yugnich: ?

yugnich: its pretty gud graf skills (im bettr, obvs)

L-town: That looks great

L-town: Im impressed

yugnich: thaks.

yugnich: do u thik u wud want to go to nandos wit me i was in a car tha sik?

L-town: Unfortunately I am unable to do that

yugnich: do yuo think zooby deschanel from new girl wud want to go with me?

L-town: Is there anything I can assist you with car wise?

yugnich: How many boild eggs do you thik I can fit in the front of the ubran cruiser?

L-town: It has been great chatting to you, would you like any further assistance as other people are waiting to chat to me?

yugnich: i am sorry l-town. i thik i need to get my heead around cars more from now

yugnich: i kno yuo busy so soz i took yuor tim up

L-town: No it no problem

L-town: I am happy to talk to you, if it is car related

yugnich: i will prolly jus go play sum skyrim an win it for the millionth tim

yugnich: can i get a drivin licenc from toyorta?

L-town: Ok Great

L-town: No only from the DVLA

L-town: Sorry

yugnich: Duncan’s Video Laser Arcade?

yugnich: that plac is the bomb

L-town: I am very sorry to hear that.

L-town: Is there anything else I can help you with today?

yugnich: no thaks l town

yugnich: but yuo shouldnt be sorry. i happy abuot it

L-town: Thank you for chatting today.  As we value your feedback please click the ‘End Chat’ button at top right to answer a few questions about your experience with us.

L-town: Bye Yugnich

yugnich: i gotta go cos the fellas at the library saying i cant listen to rap metal any more

yugnich: by l-town

L-town: Bye

i din get a car in the end but it dont matter cos i mostly freerun anyway.

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tronkutso an my best eggs


I normally tell a lil story or summin wen I done a new blog revew cos obvs peeople prolly more inrested in wat sort of goofs an joshes I been doin lik changin all the letters around on the pet shop sign so that it says GUFF ON STEPS wich is obvs reealy funny (except Jase who my boss always get mad an says “Yugnich you don even WORK here anymor! Go away an stop changin the sign! I gonna call the polic next time!!!! also tel your mum tha I need to pick up my neon camo cargo shorts from her bedroom” but I normly don tel her anythin anyway cos she don like Jase cos he not my dad and cos she say he stupid cos the name NO GUFFS PETS is not a good name for a pet shop anyway.)

But this tim I not gonna tell a story cos of 2 thins. 1 is – I kno wat a tronkutso is now. The othr is I had the best egg I ever had!!!!

tronkutso is the nam of a restrant in london but I also sum food they serv ther wich is lik a pig cereeal cos it cos sum ham milk wich is milky like milk an tastes piggy lik ham. But the tronkutso also had a egg in it. wen I scoffed it down (obvs I did tha first) I was the mos hapy I evr been (apart from wen I finished skyrim for abuot the millonth tim an stone cold steve austin called me up an said “hey yugnich well don on finishin skyrim AGAIN we all reeal impressed an I wish I cud be a bit mor like yuo” an then he gav the phon to jasun stathum an he said “i wish I was as muscly an good at freerunnin as yuo” an I lauged cos obvs it was true but I was still happy)

 the egg was nic an eggy an it was a bit salt an it was yellow in the middl (lik sum yellow crocs) an a bit grey on the outsid (lik grey crocs. Or my nan) an it was good an I ate an thuoght “wow they mus hav sum good fella microwavin these eggs cos they are nice”. So I said to the lady who was servin me to brin me mor eggs an I scoffd lots of them down but then she said tha I cant hav anymor cos ther were too many peeopl waitin to come sit with me. I thik this cos I look lik a bit famus person wit my wrapruond sunglases and leeather shin straps an camo/tribal tatoos an also cos I was rap battlin myself (it was a draw) whil scoffin down them eggs.

The restrant ok but I don thik they not got los o money cos ther no reeal roof an most of the thins in ther I thik they got from bins. It wud prolly be a bit bettr if ther was mor lights an mayb if they paintd it all green or red or sumthin an put up sum posters an didn mak you eeat from old bits of sum ladys floors instead of on sum tables.

then i had to gone home cos i remembered i left my cereeal in the oven an it prolly burned most of my mums kitschen agan. on the trane home i thuoght abuot my best eggs. these ar my othre best eggs:

mcdronalsd mcegg

it in a bun. it tast pretty good. it dont cost so much dosh. an also if i wait outside the 1 near the tracadero in the mornin ther always sum lil loser who i can steeal one from. easy.


boild egg.


yugnich kid egg

creeam egg

39 mins in the microwav. bak in the freezer for a few days then scoff it down in 1 sandwich. nice

baby choc

all othr eggs.

i give tronkutso 76/88 an the egg 4/3.

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