hawks an more

hawks an mor

quite sum months ago ther was all this stuf in the news abuot how fellas was eeating horses wen they was tryin to eeat burgers instead an it was real gud cos it was a gud oppatunity for fellas to make good joshes and say thins like “what did the barguy say wen a horse walked into a burgerr?” he say “hey the long faceQ!” an every1 was all laugin an stuff but it also mad me thik abuot all the thins tha we don normly eeat lik cats an rats an lettuc an hamsters (ther loads of hamsters at my old work an they reeal easy to catch cos they so silly and dum an they in cages an stuff). why don mos fellas even eeat eggshells? they free an thers lots of them an they don tast so bad an they only mak u bleed LOTS out of yuor mouth an yuor mum don even find out if yuo hav a spesh egg shel bag under yuor bed tha she don kno abuot until she come into yuor room an say “YUGNICH why is ther all this blood on yuor pillow again?! hav yuo been givin yuorself nosebleeds again? thas not how yuo get girls to like yuo!!” an i jus laug at her cos i din give myself a nosebleed i jus hit my heead against the wall wen i was rockin out to imagining tha i was listenin to mudvayn. an also all the egg shells i was eeatin.

i was thikin that it all such a wast of reeal good scoffs so i was real happy wen i heeard about a plac in london called “hawks an more” wich done food lik all the othr lil scrud bits of stuff tha no1 ever eaats lik hawks an donkeys an pigrats an stuf.  so i got a bus to spiterfield wich only took abuot a few huors cos i got lost an fell into a well an made frends with a rat whos name was droynal an he had wicked good diablo skills but then i realised i was in a bustop an droynal was a bin.

then i got to hawks an more an said “can i hav a big hawk please” an they said okay an then i sat down an at a lil table in the room an it was dark an it was lik a cool disco. an then they got brung me sum wine wich was quite nice (it wasn it was rank an lik vinegar an stuff but it was good an foody yuo know?) an then they got me sum old dog bones i thik cos they wer trying to impress me an put them in a fire an said “scoff on thos yuggers. fresh dog scrud” an it was okay an good but i wish fellas wud stop steeling my ideas for food thins cos 1 day i will prolly do my restrant an i will need to take back all these thins like dog bone fire sticks (hawks an more), chix nugs in tree bits (clives club), fat stik an bread (storeybooks), and eggs (norma) back so that all fellas cant cook them anymor. then they bruoght me sum big bit of hawk or pig or horse or summin an then i scoffed it down an it was nice an burnt an ther was blood an all sorts of stuf an it was good. then they said okay yuggers, yuo owe use abuot £100000 pounds an i said “ok but wat if i just promis to writ a blog abuot yuo” and they joshed with me an said “do yuo hav a blog?” an i lauged an then went home whil they wer shuotin at me abuot sumthin but i wasn even listen cos i was thinkin abuot the perfect horse joke. her it is:

“what did my dad say to the hors”

“Yugnich eats BURGERS!!! yuo shuold be SCARED!”


i giv hawks an more 59/80

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Jase Rayner Interwev


heres sum facts abuot my fren jase: he got more than 1k twit followers. he 1 of the bigest time food guys in the land. he writs abuot food an stuff for the Granuaid (LOLOLOL!). he can get pizzahut buffet anytime of the day he want!! sumtimes he cant sleep cos hes thinkin abuot all the differnt typs of crips flavs ther are (note to jase: doritos?!?!?!). me an him chilled out on the internet an i aksed him a few qestions. here they are: he also wanted me to tell u tha yuo shuold buy his book called “A Greedy Man Goes to Greggs and Falls into a Ditch” or somthing. u can get it here:  http://www.amazon.co.uk/A-Greedy-Man-Hungry-World/dp/0007237596/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1361440728&sr=8-3

Is it annoyin wen peeopl thik tha yuo are marco peer white?


Not half as annoying as it is for Marco when they mistake him for me.

Wich restrant in London do yuo thik is most lik the band mumford an sons?

One of those fried chicken shops in Peckham


Because they both look like they could do with a good wash.

Who wud win a fight between yuo an timmers Hayward?

Hayward. He’s done time in the advertising business. That bitch is hard core.


Who wud play yuo in a film about AA gills life?

Marco because he’d need the work.


Wen yuo go on masterchef does Greg Wallspice sumtimes make yuo put yuor hand in his pocket whil he rocks out to men at work on his walkman?

He’s never asked but I can see in his eyes that he’d like me to. We don’t talk about it though.

Wat is yuor favurit sandwich besides the obvs ones (egg. Crisp. Mussles)

Marmite and cheese, though if you publish that I’ll deny it because my career will be over.

If a lobster is so nice an so speshial why does it mak yuor fingers smell lik yuo been scratchin a whales armpit after yuo eeaten it?

All the best things make your fingers small like that.

Do yuo sumtimes wish yuo cud swap places with Jezza Clarkson?

I’ve swapped with him, but Hammond got upset and started whining so we had to swap back again.

Hot dog or Burger? Wich 1 do yuo thik yuo cud keep in yuor pocket for longer befor yuor wife found out an tol yuo to throw it away?

I’ve had a hotdog in my jacket pocket for three months now, and my wife still hasn’t rumbled me. Next time we see each other I’ll let you touch my hot dog.

If yuo cud open yuor own restrant wud it be better than WokExpress?

No. I know my limits.

Wat got yuo started in food writin? Was it the deep pan pizza company?

Getting started was easy. It’s stopping that’s the problem. (The pizza company turned down my job application. I failed the psychometric test).

Wich of these London restrants is the bes?



dirty burger

Dirtey Burger


Lucky Chip



You left off that fried Chicken place in Peckham which is like Mumford and Sons. That one’s the best.


Is it true tha yuo used to be in a brakdansin crew calld “thugz 4 eva” but yuo were kicked out cos yuo ate every1s shreddys?

Where are you getting this stuff? After I hurt myself in the Deptford dance off incident I obtained a super injunction so nobody could ever discuss the damage I did to my coccyx.

Is yuor wife a better cook than Reny Redzepy?

She would be, but she hates foraging. Mostly we live on Weetabix and Sunny Delight in my house.

Is Reny Redzpey a better cook than tha fella from Dabooz?

That’s like Sophie’s choice, only with less of the genocide.


Wich plac do yuo thik Rachel Koo would lik to go to more?

She’d be happy to go to either but she can’t get out of her tiny kitchen because there’s a camera crew in the way.

Do yuo actshually lik eeatin hog an cow an sheep scraps lik ther inside rank bits, or do yuo jus do tha to look lik mor of a cool foody?

No, not at all, but it’s in my contract that I have to, and a guy’s got to make a living.

Wat is the plot of yuor novel?

I can’t tell you yet, except that it involves lots of lard, rubber tubing and a Josper Grill. It’s aimed right at the mummy porn market


Do yuo sumtimes wish tha yuo wer a bloggr so tha food peeopl wud give yuo los of free stuff an invit yuo to cool places an yuo wuldn hav to tell evry1 tha yuo got it for free or say to yuor boss that the deep fryer at KFC invited yuo to eeat as many family buckets as yuo want if yuo just Tweet about it?

All the time. At night I lie awake tossing, and dreaming of being Chris Pople or, if I’m feeling really dirty, the Critical Couple. Those people have it all and I have nothing.

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The Clives Club


it was jus eeaster time which is good cos it my favurit holiday (obvs!?) obvs it my fav cos it all abuot eggs an i reeally love eggs. but also i don reealy lik it cos it mostly choc eggs an not reeal eggs an tha a bit like a notgood joke like wen i tol my fren Royne tha i had all his dogs an cats an hamsters an thins (an he got ALOT of them cos he sum big nerd an stuff) an i lockd them in a car an drove them into the sun an he was all scard cos he say “YUGNICH YUO NOT ALUOD TO TAKE ANY ANIMALS OUT OUT OF THE PETSHOP ANYTIME EVER!!” an i lauged cos i said i just joshin they not reealy in my car i don even hav a car an yuo cant even drive a car into the sun cos it cant fly an no1 knos wher the sun actualy is anyway. an then we both lauged alot except he didn cos he was still shuotin thins like “I know yuo don have a car but wher are all the animals” and “did yuo open all the cages” an wat did i tell yuo abuot playin wrestlin with the hamsters yugnich!” but i didnt reealy care cos i knew he was jus angry cos i got ole Royne with a good josh. if yuo reeading this then LOL ROYNE! but he got me back to cos whenevr i go to work he always say to me yuo not aluod comin here anymor. josher.

so cos i din hav to gone to work cos of Royne;s joshing i thuoght i wud go get sum nic food in london at my frens Itsacs place in shohdatch an it calld clive’s club. ther 2 fellas ther who done all the waiterin an goofin with customers an stuff an they ar both called Clive an wen they wer yuonger they used to go to the same google maps fan group an then they started doin ther own google maps fan club in ther house an they called it The Clives Club an Itsac used to come aruond an he started brining snacks aruond for evryones like boiled eggs an grabags an stuff an they said “shud we start a cool restrant in a old museum or sumthin” an they said yes an then they chest pumped an then it was open.

I wen ther an then got a nice lil table in one of the old museum rooms an then i said “bring me sum burgers or sumin Clive” an they said okay an went off an got me sum food but it wasn burgers but it was stil quite good but i little mad at itsac cos he obvs stolen all my ideas for good foodstuffs. first he bruoght me sum lil chicken nuggs (yuo gotta give it to chicken nuggs. yuo just GOTTA!) an then sum lil red carrots wit sum spicy burger sauce an sum gravel which was quite good but not as good as the chick nugz. then they put sum ham in the microwave for me wich was nic an sweeaty wich i scoffed reeal quick an then i munched sum lil fish pile an then sum othr muscly fish with sum green stuff an green crips. then i did a lil bit of pressups an then they brung me a nice kebab wich they put on a plate an made it all fancy wich was quit good an then the last thin was a plat of sum hummus an sum gravel an sum cereeal wich was reeal good an i scoffed it all reeal quick.

then it was all good an fnished an i thuoght that quit nice 2 clives an itsac but now i gotta go home cos i jus rememered tha i had almost all the animals from the petshop in my bath an Royne is prolly made an also my mum wud prolly not be happy abuot me cloggin up the bath again. oh oh.

i give Clives Club 54/60 cos it was all my fav foods like gravel an chick nuggs an ham an stuff.


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jons salt


i been a bit sad for a whil cos the last thin i wrote on here was my lettr to the france cook TV lady rachel coo an I aksed her to write to me or somthin but she never did :(. wich is not good cos like my mum says, even if you don reeally like a fella you still have to be nice to them an invite them to play in yuor room becos it not everyday tha a fella comes round an brings yuo flowers or takes yuo to wokmania chines buffet or brings yuo a pineappl pizza or fixes yuor washin machine or leeaves his car somewher so tha you can crash into it.

so it made me sad for a lil whil an only listened to slow hoobastank songs an did a lot of dark art drawins wich were mostly inspird by banksy an they reeally good but i had to throw them away cos my mum says tha all the spraypaint scrud made our food go rancid an tha if i want to graf i shuold go do it on a wall somehwer an not inside of a fridge but i was only half listenin cos i was scoffin this old chees an onion pasty i found. aftr tha i was sick for lots of time but i thik i ok now. i just cant eeat tha many eggs anymor or look at ham or stand up so good.

wen i strated to feel bettr i thuoght i kno wat wud make me bettr it would be to go to the big smoke an scoff sum grub. i went to a place called jons salt wich is a place in sum boring scrud place tha looks lik a outdoor version of Stratford Westfield an is a restrant started by a fella called jon who used to just serve salt crips an othr scrud but then sum chef came alon and said “IM GONNA COOK HERE AN IM GONNA MAKE FELLAS EEAT BRICKS.” an then lots of fellas did go ther an fellas did eeat bricks but then he got bord an ran out of good bricks to find and got reeeeeealy into world of warcraft an said “I DON WAN TO COOK ANYMORE. NOW I AM A FULLTIME ORC!” an then he left so then sum othr chef fella from the pits cube truck came an said “ill cook here as long as i can start fires wherever i want an i get a lifetim supply of cool hats.” an jon said ok.

wen i got ther sum fella sat me on a lil bench with some othr fellas who obvs wanted to be my frend but i didnt talk to them much cos i was watchin youtube vids on my smartphone (obvs). the fellas were also a bit lame an was talkin lots abuot othr places they went to eeat an all fancy thins they done an fellas they knew so i looked at them an said “HEY LOOK THERS GODRUN RAMSNEY” an they got all excitd an 1 of them smashed his heead into the wall cos he was so excited an then i said “hes not reeally ther yuo doofuses.” an becos they wer so excited it was obvius they wernt propr foodies like me. so they cried an left.

then i ordered sum food wich was a big meeat crisp with sum coleslaw on it wich was ok an i scoffed it but most of my teeth broke on it i thik an then also a egg wich had sum crisps on it an it was with a lil pile of meeal scruds wich was quit nic an then i had a steeak meeat (or mayb it was horse! why the long neigh beef?!?!?!?!LOL) wich had a sause on it wich was a whol garlic breead scrunched into a lil sause an then sum chippy things wich was ok.

after i scoffed it all i said to the fellas good job. an then let the fellas next to me (still crying lika baby) pay for watevr i ate cos i din reealy want to an also i didn have any money anyway an then went home an felt better abuot rachel coo. becos now that i don care abuot her anymore i can focus on other chicks. so look out “the world”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i give jons salt 78/94

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a open letter to rachel coo


deear rachel coo,

i know tha i mak a lot of goofs an tha i a bit of a cheeky guy, but im a bbit sad tha yuo never reply to my tweets or my emails or my phon calls (i always get scard an hang up befor yuo answer LOL!) an i not even sur yuo got tha bit of leftover pizza i sent to yuor house on xmas (if yuo did an yuo don want it can i hav it back?).

i rememer the first time i saw yuo on TV rkhooks an it was a greeat day. i had jus had a nice cold bath an me an my frend Tubbers wher dryin ourselvs off an he said “hey yugnich i bet yuo cuoldnt do a tombston lik the undertaker cuold yuo big wimp!” an i lauged cos obvs i knew tha i cud. prolly bettr than the undertaker actualy cos i thik i cud be in wrestlmania if i wanted but i don want to cos i just want to focus on being a big time food guy. so then as a surpris i jumped up on the couch to tombston Tubbers but then I changed my mind a bit becaus i immediatly fel over an smashed a glas coffe tabl an brok my nans wheelchair an fell into a fishtank an woke up the baby sleepin next door. but tubbers i thik was pretty glad i din tombston him cos he wudve been SORE!

wen i fell over i also fell onto the remot control an it turned on the TV an on TV was yuo R-Dog. i cant remember wat yuo were doing (prolly makin sum gross frogs legs or watever othr yuck stuff yuo mak is), but i thuogh “wow. thers 1 very pretty lady.” yuo had lips wich were red: as red as jordans. an hair wich was black: as black as a black pencil crayon. an a smile tha was like a cheeky baby guffing itself. an yuo had eyes.

i thuoght “wow yugnich is that yuor mu is tha yuor future wife?” an then i thuoght again “yes it prolly is.” so thas wen i fell in love with yuo rachel. an thas when i started to send yuo stuf an try get yuor attenshion.

i know it must be hard for yuo cos yuo prolly got a reeal weeak wimpy fella in greece (or wherevr yuo are), an he prolly crys at yuo al the time to stay with him an make poridg an boring stuff. an i kno yuo prolly scard that if yuo came to me yuod get jealuos cos i was so muscly an whenevr i tak yuuo out on my scootr an i got my bandana on an my spandex crocs an im got no shirt on an the rain is makin my guns reeal wet yuo imagin los of girls comin up to me an sayin “wow yugnich yuo so buff. yuo wanna do snogs?” but it actualy doesnt happen tha much (prolly cos they also nervuos). so yuo shuoldn worry.

it valentins day today rachel an i don wan yuo to be alone. my mum said tha no1 shuold be alone an so thas why she invites los of her frens aruond tha im not aloud to call dad an im also not aloud to play with them in her room. its gud tha she isnt lonley an so i don wan yuo to be lonely eithr cos sumtimes when peeople try to not be lonly they make othr peeopl lonley an tha isnt nice.

we wudnt even hav to go anywer r-coo. my mum is gonna see her-not-dad-frend so yuo can come aruond an i can make us sum chix bits an then yuo cud watch me do sum pressups and we can both think abuot out favuorit ice creeam flavuors (yellow).

yuo might be busy tho rachel so mayb im sorry. if yuo reead this can yuo pleeas at leeast say hello? send me a tweet (@yugnichgritkin) or a email (yugnich@hotmail.co.uk) or a letter or a cake or a box of crackers or find me on the skyrim forums or sumthing cos tha wud make me very happy.

thank yuo.

yuor guy,

Yugnich Gritkin


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meeat mashine


them meeat fellas hav don it agen! they opend a nother restrant. it good for them cos every1 always sayin how fellas havnt got any money an so we gonna hav to eeat insects an got 3 jobs an my mums gona hav to let all her frends sleep in her bed cos they got no beds of ther own an stuff. so it gud that they havin a fun tim cookin burgrs an an stuf cos it not only tha we got no money but also it janury an it cold an so fellas evrywher ar angry an if yuo go on twitster (like i do ALOT cos i got a LOT of frends ther who arnt lik my frens in reeal life so they arnt always callin me an sayin “yugnich i thik yuo left yuor leeather string vest chaps at my huose” or “yugnich yuor skatbording skills arnt very gud” or “yugnich is my dad at yuor mums house agen?!?” an then laugh some an then hang up an i normly shuot “FLIP OFF BRAD!!” cos i kno i din leeav my chaps ruond his house an obviously my skarbord skils ar THE BOMB an his dad dosnt come ruond to visit my mum anymor cos last tim he cam ruond i drawn a pic of him wich was very funny so tha when i drawd it i laugd so much tha a lil bit of wee came out an then he got mad an sed “THAT IS NOT A NICE DRAWiN YUGNICH!! wat is tha smell?. yugnich yuor jeeans ar completly coverd in muck. why ar yuo weearing my trousers?”) fellas always complainin abuot thins lik burgers existin an peeopl takin photos of sanwichs an how to mak the bes hats made of chees an othr importnt thins lik tha. so it nic tha them meeat fellas don a nothr plac.

the new 1 is calld meeat mashin an it in a plac wich isn so eeasy to find an so i thik it used to be a job centr cos it hidden an yuo hav to go thruogh som scary doors an ther no so many windows but thers los of tabls an when i got ther them fellas recognisd me instantly an so they sed “com her wud yuo lik a tabl for 1?” but i din notic cos i was alreeady siting down wherevr i feel lik it.

then i aksed for the biggst beer tha they cud do cos i was thirsy cos i was imagining differnt freerunnin moves i cud do in ther (lots. obviusly) an so they bruoght me a nic beer in a upside down watr cooler bottle. i tried to drink it tho but it only had a lil handl from a teeacup so i pickd it up an it fel down an broke evrywher an then evry1 lauged an sed “oh yugnich. wat a josher.” an i lauged a lot as wel but it was also very sore cos a LOT of glas went into my foot an i had to hide it by puttin my foot in my backpack wich workd a treeat cos it is a camo backpack (obvs.)

then i had sum lil chix strips wich wer all mushy an coverd in salt an vinegr crisps an ketchup wich wer prety good an then i had a burger wich was long lika subway an had sum nic lil onions in it an sum brown soup an sum mayonase wich i thik was rancid cos i at tha whol thin an it made my eyes sor an my nose hurt an my throat feel lik i was eeatin sum fire. then i was finishd an i put sum mony on the tabl an startd to leeave but fellas were callin me tryin to get me to stay sayin thins lik “excuse me, do yuo know yuor foot is in yuor bag? why is ther so much blood aruond yuor table? are youo okay? mayb yuo shuldnt leeav yet. yuo shuold cleean up this mess. wow yuo look reeal musly like yuo cud do ALOT of push ups!!” i not sure abuot the last 1 cos i cudnt reealy heear anythin anymor cos i was feelin woozy an tired. then i went an got a trane but fel asleep for a few days an now im feel bettr an awake.

i giv meeat machine 13/28
MEATmission on Urbanspoon

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picturs i drawn last year in no order

this a blog for sum peeopl who don use twitster cos they tha fellas who don get to see all of my drawins. i know tha them fellas ar prety silly for not bein on twister cos they prolly miss out on all the gud thins lik wen a PR person does a silly thin or wen a chef says sumthin meean or funny abuot anothr fella or sumthin or mayb falls over into his computr cos he so angry. it also gud for me to put thes pics ONLINE cos i draw so many pics tha i forgt i drawn them cos i hav to hide them cos i cant let my mum see them cos last tim she saw my drawins she was reeal mad an angry an sed “yugnich why did yuo draw this horible pic of me it is not NICE how ar yuo goin to be a LAWYER wen yuo do stupid thins lik this!!!!!!!” wich wasn very nic becos i only did a pictur of her playin wrestlin with 3 of her bes special frens who im not aluod to call “dad” or “orley” or “hey gumpnose!” an  she cud stil drive her car good an my cousin roy only had to paint half the house agen an i dont think she evn used the hoover tha much anyway. it also gud becos this is all the gud stuf tha happend last year:



it was the lympics an ther was this lil fella from cranada i thik an he won sum wierd swimin race were he had to punch the wattr LOTS AN LOTS an then his dad got all happy an jumpd aruond an sed “thas my lil boy! he punched the watr bettr than anyone! im gonna buy him a mint corneto!!!!” but im not sur if he ever got the mint corneto cos he a fat fella an he prolly ate them all up b4 his lil boy cud get his chops on it.


this my fren gingirls bday. she liks gin an she livs in the back of a tescos breadfactory so she gets all the best bits of bred tha don go to the shops cos they forgot to put rasins in them or the fellas got hungry an had a chomp of them befor the sold them an stuff. she also REEEAAAALY liks shaq from basktball evn tho hes reeal old now an he didn evn make any mor kazam genie films evn tho they wer obvs the best thing tha happnd from out of basketball. i mad him reeal small to mak gingirl feel bettr but also cos he is prolly small an not very clever. not lik STONE COLD!



this my othr fren GRIZTERS bday. shes reealy into skatbaords an tribal tatoos an she weears a to mch hair than she needs on her heead. 1 time wen i had tooo much hair on my heead also i calld up my fren TROY an aksed him if he wantd to cut it for me an he saed “no go away who is this? my name is Gerald. this is a bakery. are you still there? its 4 in the morning.” but i wasnt reealy listenin cos i was drawin pics of ultimate frisbee moves in my cereeal. now i cant hav any hair any more cos my mum says “it easer to not hav anythin than havin to always go to the doctor cos yuo don kno how to wash yuor hair proply” an i just laughd cos she doesnt know anythin abuot dreadlocks an it doesnt mattr anyway cos my armpit hair is longrenough to dreadlock anyway.


tha fella guz farey opened a restrant in NEWYORK in LA an no1 liked it much so i done this pictur to cheer him up. i don kno if it workd. guz?


this my frend hugsy. hes reealy into workin uot (even tho hes not very gud) but i gotta give him props cos he also liks string vests lik me except i don thik he weears enuf lether ties an stuf. we prety gud frens but secrtly i thik he hang aruond wit me an stuf cos i kno mor abuot fashion an once teachd him wat lasagner was. he thuoght it was type of fish food made of graps. this pic i done to cheer him up cos he reeal fancys tryal branks. she sum profesional bowler or sumthing.


new eggs

this was a competishion i went to to mak the best egg coverd in crisps. i din reeal see the point of it ether but i drank sum nice glug of beer an then fel asleep in a boat cos it was neear a river an then i wen hom an playd xbox 360 for a few days an made my own egg it crisps an took it to the competishion but it wasn ther an it was just a regular tescos anyway an sum fella tol me im not aluod ther anymor cos i din pay for my hand soap from last time.



thes ameican fellas had a comp to see who was mor poopular an the fella who playd the lil screechy fella in batman lost.


this was the lympics again. it was of wen it opend an i learnt tha kenrith brangar from the movies actualy made england. then bovis came aruond an sed a bunch of stuf but no1 was listen cos they wer al waitin for the lil divin fella to covr himself in chocolat an jump into sum water or they wer imagining how good we wud be if jasun stathum did all the lympic sports for england an wher wud we be able to keep all the medal?S?


origami snale.


this was ribcage guys bday. he drank 40 litres of bludy crums sause an was stil goin. hes a prity crazy fella an 1 day we are goin to go to laser quest togethr an each tak in a can of red stripe an see who can drink it befor i fal asleep or get angry at anothr kid for havin a bettr laser pack than i do.


this was the vote party again from wat i sed lik from abov.




this was from novembre wen los of fellas grow mustachs for chics an my mum says thas why thers los of babys in the next yeear cos of movembre. i was gonna grow 1 but then i grew a reeal big 1 an i went outsid an abuot hunred chicks wer al coming over to me an saying “wow yuo so cool can i tuoch yuor muostach when can we go an watch loserville togethr ive got 4 expansion packs for warcraft at home to yuo want to come play them on xbox?” an so i got bored an jasun stathum calld me an sed “come on guy leeave sum chics for the rest of us. heres 30£ go an buy a milkshake.” an i laughed so i cut it off anyway.

cpop bday


this was my fren cpopes bday. him an guz farey got togethr an punchd pizzas from fire an stone cos them pizzas suck an cpopes lauged a bunch but then he had to go to sleep cos he only bruoght 1 ice skate to the skating rink wher they went after. the nex day he went to pizza hut buffet an at so much pizza his fingernails fell off. it was a gud day i thik.



this is wen the royal fellas joshed evry1 wen they sed that they gonna hav a baby but actual it was a pillow tha she put in her top an k-mridz was only sik cos james corden textd her a pictur of him in the bath. they the best joshers in the land an thas how they became king an princes becos ashton krutcher from punkd tried to punk them but they knew abuot it so punkd him back an so the queen sed that they can be king an princess. 1 day i think i thik i wud becom king but i thik i wuldn be aluod to watch wrestlin blurays or play wit tech decks or nothin so i prolly wont.


thas TOOOOOO mcuh writin for me im sleepy. can i hav 4 hotdogs pleease? thaks.

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timmers hayward intervew

bigtim food guy timmers is a writr on food an he also works at a greggs makin the chees an pizza sanwiches. it is becos of his greggs job tha he got famuos an now he is on tha radio an on the internet an on twitster. sumtims we lik to jus call eeach othr up an reead out lines of poetry an stuff. this is a poem i wrot abuot slugs:
slugs are weeak. why do they exist?
they always get smushed when i keep them in my fist
i wud eeat them if they tasted nice
but they dont so ill jus eeat ice (an mayb a nice chip pizza or sumthin)
tiimmers also own a magazin abuot eeatin rocks an stuff or sumthin lik that i don reeal kno. he always say “pleeas yugnich write an draw all of my magazin” but i say no cos i busy with my own stuf an also i thik he only wans me to do it so tha i buy a copy an my mum buys a copy an my frens cuosins buy a copy.
i emaild him an done a intervew wit him cos he is quite good at stuf an knows alot abuot food an stuff an heres wat i said an then wat he said in respons to wat i said. easy:
Yuggers: Wat is yuor favurit fizzy glug?
Timmers: Mainly beer. Sometimes cider with tequila in it. But not often
How many lil timmers do yuo hav?
Wich 1 is your favurit?

Is the bes thing about chidren tha yuo can tak them into places lik BK an KFC an say “oh gosh i hat this place but the kids wanna come here so ill just order 12 family buckets an 3 apple tangos”?

Pretty much. The rest of parenthood is overrated
Wich restrant in London do yuo thik jasun stathum wud lik the most?

I think Jasun would like The Rainforest Cafe
Because of the animatronic parrot
If yuo were goin to aks him to go to it with yuo how wud yuo do it?
I would poke him on Facebook or maybe Grindr and tell him I knew where there was an animatronic parrot
Wat is his email addres?
Jasun is too hard to read emails. His Mum reads them to him. Reach her at missusjasun@gmail.com
If yuo cud go anywhere to eat in the world wud yuo still go to eeat in a pizza hut buffet mor than anywhere else?
I’m pretty sure I would. Foreign food is usually pants
Is microwaving a steeak stil the best way to cook it?

Yes. Put it in a waterbath at 56.5c for up to an hour, sling it in a Josper at 350c to build up a good char, then mic it at 800W for 1 min 30
Tea? Coffee? Wich 1 wud make yuo sick up first if yuo had to drink hundreds of cups of it?
Tea. Particularly with milk that’s been in the fridge till it turns into yoghourt
How many eggs do yuo thik yuo cud eeat in 1 brekfast?

40 because I’m harder than Steve McQueen
Who do yuo thik wud win in a fight between yuo an j. Rainer?
Me. Jay is mostly made of hair while I am mostly made of mussles
Do yuo sumtimes wish tha yuo had his hair?

It would make my head bigger but then my hats wouldn’t fit
Wat does marina olaflin look lik?

Marina O Loughlin is a 6’2″ Congolese ex-model. She wears a jewelled eyepatch and an artificial leg made entirely out of titanium, both the result of a hang-gliding accident. She is also my sister.
Wat are your favurit pizza toppings apart from mash potato?

Nandos – obviously
What is this kid eeatin?

Scotch egg milkshake
Who is your favurit person in the whole world?

Jasun Stathum

Do yuo stil skype regularly with the fabulus baker brothers?

Whenever they are in England. These days, though, they are mainly in Hollywood and I’m in bed when they’re awake

Wich is yuor favurit one?

The one with the teeth
Is rollerblading the new pogz?

I swapped my pogs for Hexbugs
What wud yuo make if yuo only had these ingredients:
(ice cream. Any flavuor)

Horse icecream with a seaweed foam, a smear of turnip jus and a Wagun Wheel

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2013 food trens

it neearly the end of the yeear an so it tim for all the fellas to say thins like “this is the yeear wen drinkin in placs lik behind homebase with roy an yahoney reealy became big” an “2012 was the yeear tha the chef expendabls was inventd an jims fishwood was sad but then othr peeopl wer hapy he was sad an wish he was sad mor an it was also the yeear tha dabooz did wel but also now it not so gud cos peeopl ar bored an if yuo lik it now yuo arnt a reeal foody but street food is stil good an stuff” an stuff. it also the time wen clevr peeopl try decid wat is gonna be gud for next year. nex year i prolly gonn buy a new lether bandana cos my old 1 got coverd in blood an sick an bred an stuf from wen i tried to mak a spageti for my dins. my mum wasn very happy but she din mind too much cos i hid most of the mess i made under the bed an it only smel a lil bit so it not so bad.

this is wat prolly gonna be big in 2013. don forget it fellas!:

orderin food thru blutooth


Grodrun ramsney

yuo gotta give it to him. yuo jus GOTAA!


sheep buckts

laptop sanwich

sanwichs in the shap of laptops. the bes 1 will be calld the “macbookpro” an it wil be 45 slices of breosh bred 13 bits of mayo a whol heeap of mash sum spinash mayb sum ham. i don reealy kno. i don kno if it been inventd yet but it suonds lik it a good idea. prolly be bigtim.


surpris restrants in bathrooms

so wen fellas go to mak toilet they walk in ssay “oh look thers tha fella tum carridge makin noodl omlets in the corner ther. thas gud i wil hav pleeas tum!” excep mayb not tum cos he mite not fit an stuf. may tho if it a big lil bathroom.


new zeeland food

i don no wher new zeeland is. mayb it in africa or america or sumthin. but fellas only lik food from placs they nevr heard abuot or food tha they eeat a lot anyway but not in nice restrants so they can say “did yuo hav the egg sanwich from Norma?!?! it lik a egg sanwich but it was bludy good an tha lil fella Reny made an it tasted soooooo gud lik a egg in sum bred! wow!” in new zeeland they prolly eat thins lik egg sanwichs or sandpits or sumthin but fellas will be happy cos they can say to ther frends “wow did yuo eat the egg sandpit at newzeelandfoodplac! it was so difrent it was amazin!” an then they go sumwher an be sick an eat 40 mcdronlands burgrs on the bus to ther huose.



no thas jus a josh. no1 reealy liks fruit. LOLMA!!


wresling restrants

peeopl love placs lik the Raininfort Cafe an the plac wher yuo can play ping tennis an eeat pizza (im the bes at ping tennis. obvuisly) so i thik restrants tha hav wresling on 24 7 wud be reeal popular cos fellas cud go ther, mayb eeat a cuople of chix bits, tak his shirt off an do a cuopl tombstonin moves. then mayb chill out with a nic glass of egg an do it all again. wat fella wudn wanna do go to tha restrant?!?



wrapd up an then put into a blendr an then fried for 40 mins an then put into a burgr. i thik the meeat fellas ar gonna done it.

the internet

ET computer kid happy surprised2




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marina olaflin intervew

i been doin a blog for a lil time now an i thik i gettin prety gud (obvs). but ther othr fellas who are stil bettr an so i wantd to speeak to them so i cud try an steeal al ther gud ideeas an stuf. this a intwrview i did wit marina olaflin.
mazz-dog is 1 of my bes frends an also a gud bigtim food writr an she writs for places lik ‘the gardnian’ an ‘rovil’ an ‘twitster’. she prolly 1 of the best food peeopl out ther. heres tha intervew.
Yuggers: Is a anchovy sumthin tha food peeopl use to see if othr people are foody to cos its achsually disgusting an tastes lik a sharks armpit?
Mazzers: Anchovy is what gets you membership of ARF (Association of Real Foodists). To get into the secret upper echelons, you need to eat anchovies over andouillettes.
Wat do yuo look lik?
I am constantly mistaken for Nancy del’Olio.
Do yuo lik to wear: a)shorts b)cloaks c)crocs d)ripped jeans
I love all of those things, worn together if I can. When I don’t look like Nancy, I look like Mario Batali.
If yuo cud take zooby duchtannel to any restrant in London wich one wud it be?
Because I like it about as much as I like her.
Wat is yuor chidrens favurit food?
Son: sushi. Daughter: meat and sugar.
Wat is yuor husband/boyfs favurit food?
Currently, a suitcase full of Lyon sausages.
Wat are ther actshual favurit food (not tha one that they tell yuo they lik. The one they actshually lik to eeat all the tim wen yuo are in Italy or Croydon or sumthjin)?
This is the whole truth, Yugnich. Mine is hot buttered potato scones with smoked Maldon salt, even though you didn’t ask me.  Or toasted sourdough with loads of butter and white Istrian truffles.
How often do yuo eeat at jamies Italian?
Is ther anything better than eeatin microwaving sum ham, putting on new girl an puttin the heeatin up to 40?
You can microwave ham until you’re purple in the face, but do not subject me to bloody New Girl. Sheesh.
Bloody cutesy girlie I’m-so-ditsy Zooey.
Do yuo sumtims want to writ for the daley mail?
I did once. They edited my piece to end with the words ‘pass the sickbag’. I have never done it again.
Is it okay if i tell peeopl that i am yuor 3rd cousin?
I thought you were?
Is marina olaflin yuor reeal nam or is it reealy
My real name is Marina Patricia Genevieve Pia O’Loughlin. Irish pa, Italian ma, innit.
What is the best thin tha yuo can cook tha isn’t cereal?
I am really brilliant at toast and Marmite.  Or my mother’s ragu which takes nearly a day to cook.
Are yuo sumtimes sad that yuo cant go on masterchef?
It is a constant, overwhelming source of sadness to me.
Is bein sik in a bin the opposite of bein hungry?
Don’t tell me you’re a bulimic, Yugnich! It rots your teeth.
Wat crisp flavur do yuo wish sum1 wud mak into a soft drink?
Smoky bacon, obviously.
Wat is yuor favurit type of wisk?
Nigella’s tiny ladylike whisks.
Wat is a blog?
It is something that terrifies a lot of old fuddy-duddy journalists and excites a lot of pr people. Yours is my favourite EVER
If yuo were not a big tim food lady wud yuo be a)reealy good at fire poi b)a taxi driver c)lego d)sumthin else?
I am really good at watching five episodes of Breaking Bad one after the other and then feeling slightly sick. So maybe I could be a big time film critic.
How do yuo kno if yuo ar in love?
You can’t eat.
Do yuo kno Rachel coo?
No. Sorry Yugnich. I am slightly sensing you have a bit of a ‘type’, am I right?  I could introduce you to my pal Dolores – Dolly – if you like. Lots of lovely dark brown hair…
Nancy dell'olio seen leaving her london home and heading to a studio in south london England
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