Tag Archives: cool



I used to hav a frend called “the walrus” who was famus in the streets between the A3 an the mud tunnel next to ASDA beacus he was always very very dizzy, an also because he had more plastic bags than any other person tha i knew of. he had so many tha he cud put them up into a a BIG pile an use it as a VERY smal bed. i tried to sleep on it once but the whol time yuo tried to move it suonded lik you wer in a gravel-trap an also “the walrus” was quite big an hard to push off u after he had had drunk his nightim cup of bleeeach an water.

one day wen we were tryin to catch rat-frogs under a bridg he said to me “yuo kno yugnich, i got everything – i famous. i got more plastic bags than anyone i kno” (then he fell over quick cos he was very very dizzy) “but i stil don thik tha i so happy abuot thins”

i lauged cos i knew tha it was jus cos he was hangin out with me and if yuo always lookin at someone who cool an who muscly and who can grow any sort of beeard (braided, solepatsh, chin, oneside, corn rows, bleached) then of course you not gonna be happy. no matter how many plastic bags you got. but i didn say tha cos i knew he wud be sad and drink a whole new cup tha was mostly bleach an not very much water.

insteead i said – “i will take yuo to a fancy place and tha will cheer you up.” i hadnt gone to a restraunt for a while because last time i went my small hairy frend Richard ‘Drickens’ Dawkins said got scared cos he brought sumthing back from the deepweb and had to go home early. i was also a bit scared but i realisd tha cos he was small an cos he didnt kno abuot thins an only liked to listen to his own beatboxing (even tho mine or even Troy’s (!!!) was better) he was always gonna be scared of the deep web. i will nevr be scared of the deep web or of anythin except from mayb very murky swimming pools an lions with machine guns strapped their moutsh an getting old (LOL!)

so me an “the walrus” got onto his trike an pedalled all the way to a restraunt called Myfields wich was opened by a chef fella cos he was always gettin kicked out of other peeopls gardesn for trying to eat their trees. he was reeal angry an jus wanted to scoff down sum good grub so he found a old sauna an said “this is a gud plac for a restrant” an then he called it myfields cos it was his field (evn tho it actualy jus a old sauna an it tiny an ther no grass or anythin).

me an “the walrus” came in an put down all of “the walrus”s plastic bags into a corner which took about 10 minutes cos they kept blowin evrywher an sum fella in the restrant kept tryin to stop us from doin it an sayin “you can put all of those bags in here – where did they come from? do you a reservation? why wont u say anythin to me? wher is tha smell of bleeach comin from?” wen we FINALLy managed to stuff the bags into the drains an plug sockets and corners an thins (there not many places to stuff bags – BTW) so that they wouldn go away we sat down at one of the tiny tables an said “grub me up!!!” wich everyone thought was HILARIOUs.

the fella who was stil cryin about tha he didnt have as many bags as “the walrus” cam an bruoght sum wine an sum food wich was a bit of old fish wich had some fishy gravel lumps with it and also had a soup of blackjacks on it. it was gross but i scoffed it down pretty quick cos i was intrested to look cool. “the walrus” had sum milk lump with syrup an he said he liked it.

then when we finished scoffin our grub i said “hey walrus. why do you can be called “the walrus”?” an he said “no one calls me the walrus” an i laughed an punched him full into the middle of his face. then he laughed too an then we both laughed an then the crying fella said “you ar goin to have to move your bags. also the bleach smell is upsettin everyone.” then i said “if your name not “the walrus” what is your name?”

an then “the walrus” said “my name is niall horan from one direction” an i said “the walrus is a much better name” an then the crying fella said “i threw your bags away” an then “niall horan from one direction” said “oh. thats sad.”

I give myfields 37/56


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in london every1 always says ” we so spoiled for good thins to do” and everyone always so happy about the different scoff holes and bars an thins. but fellas dont often stop to think and say “hey actualy. where is the nearest paintball arean? what do i do if i wan to climb a tree as big as a buildin? if ther so many dojos then how come mos people arent even close to the level of karaty as me?” but it not such a bad place reealy.

i decided i should go to the new scran place from the chef frend of itsac and the clives from the clives club who is called Jonty Loowey an he used hav the world record for the most earings in 1 ear (6). he used to do cookin with his frends itsac and clives but then he decided to take sum time off so tha he could build the biggest beanbag in london. after a yeear he remembred he was allergic to beans an also bags so then he decided he prolly rather do a restrant instead so he opened a place called lilos which is named after a lilo cos of it is in a old changing room for a swimmin pool.

i went in an they said “hi do you have a reservation” an i said “my name is Neddins” which is a joke cos my name isnt Neddins its yugnich an then the lady behind the restrant desk said “i bet tha your joshin me. are you yugnich?” an i said “yes good one how did you know?” an she said somethin about my muscles, about my cool clogs and also something about that i had to put a shirt on an also i should stop screamin my own name. obvs i wasnt listening tho cos i was already smelling all of the things tha Jonty was cooking which i think was meat cereal.

i sat down on a lil chair an ordered a full plate of milk an a full bag of corn an then scratched my name an also a pictur of a horse into the table. then jonty came over an gave me a dish of food which was a old fish wich didnt even pong tha much at all. i took a bite an it was quite nice an a bit like eeating a chicken dipper if it was actually a fish.

then when i finished the fish i look down an seen that there actually a lil person who was one half as muscly as the rock an also one half as hairy as a badger and he looked up at me an say “hi yugnich” an his voice was as like the noise of a washing machine. an i say “hi lil hairy muscly guy” an then we shook hands an we exchanged email addresses an twitter names. then he got off my plate an pulled out a small pair of googl glasses an put them on an say “now tha you finished your ole fish why don we go for an adventur” so i put him in the top pocket of my dungarees an we got up an i started doin teh moonwalk to the door.

but then the lil guy said “no not thaat way yuggers” an he pointed towards a different way an i said “okay why not”. an then he pointed me to the kitchen where i walked in an told jonty not to worry (but he didn mind cos he was secretly eeating a family bag of nik naks an was blind from orange) an then me and the lil fella went to the fridge an i walked in an then the little fella got out of my pocket an jumped down to the corner of the fridge an knocked 4 times on the wall an all of a sudden a secret door opened an wat was behind it was the most SIIICK thing i ever seen in my life an i nearly was sick all down myself for a hour or two.

then the lil muscly guy said “cool huh?” an i nodded an i said “wat is your name lil fella” and he said “my name is richard dawkins. but you can call me Drickens.”

an then we went in the secret door in the back of the fridge in lilos

i give lilos 38/49

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duck wafer

the other day tha fella Frelicks Brumgartner jumpd out of a baloon reeal high from tha gruond. so who cares anyway! crank 2 done it out of a plane an landed on a car an he DIN even hav a stupid parashoot or nothin! i was gonna do a sam thin once time wen i was flyin to sumwher lik italy or croydon or sumthin so i wore my best ooakley sunglases an a awesom camo leeather traousers an sed to the plane flyer wen i got on “im prolly gonna do a coupl of backflips wen we get to abuot 3000000 feet so jus let me know pleease.” i don thik he was very happy tho cos i was gonna be tha coolest guy on the plane an he din want that to happen so much so he tol me i had to leeav an go back home. then they took me out the airport an sed “why did yuo done that? how did yuo get in? do yuo even have a ticket? did yuo steeal these crocs from the duty free shop?” but i wasn reealy listenin cos i was thinkin abuot macbook PROS an how many episods of “NUNCHUCKS DIARIES 40” i cud put onto a iphone 5 if i had 1.

i was prety hungry tho an i heard abuot a new good plac that evry1 was think to lik calld duck wafer. its a reeal cool plac in the liverpool part of london an its in a reealy big hotel i thik. its reeal gud to get to cos yuo hav to go up a lift thas mad of glass an it make yuo feel like yuo are doin a crank 2 but in revers. wen yuo get up ther it gets even bettr cos thers actuly a cool bar ther an they made it look reeal nice cos they got a wal filld with aWESOME graf! it looks lik it from a SICK ed hardy t shirt or sumthin. thers also a lot of reeal cool cocktails lik the 1 tha i had wich cam in a big bottl filled with smok from a awesom motorbik an they give yuo a glass but it just a trick cos it better to drink it out of the bottle cos yuo look cooler even tho yuo cough ALOT from all the smok an stuff.

then yuo go into the restrant which i thik used to be a old dance studio (but thers not alot of space for dancing now. even tho it wouldv gon reeally wel with the graff wall). i sat down an said “can i hav a duck wafer pleas” an the fella said ok an they bruoght it over an it was quite nic cos it had a egg on it an a bit of a duck wich tasted lik wat if a chicken and a pig had a baby. they put it on a bit of cake an then yuo also get a nice sugar drink on the side to have as well. it was all ok but the sugar drink got stuk in my solepatch an now its stiky an smels real bad lik my fren Orleys groin patch.

then i wen to the lift again an did a coupl of brakedancing moves an thuoght that it wud prolly be a good plac to tak a girl on a date cos yuo cud say tha she shuldn be scard in the lift (make yuo look not scard) an then yuo cud tel her all abuot the graf on the walls (make yuo look cool) an yuo cud also eeach pay for sum of the drinks (so it wuldn be so expensiv to drink sum smokey brown glug from a reeal big bottl).

i give duck wafer 55/82

Duck & Waffle on Urbanspoon

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hod dog recip

giles coren eating

yum hodt dogs are reeal gud thins that evry1 liks now cos they tast nice lik a bit of a burnin bit of chees an sum scruncy meat bits. i lik them ones tha yuo get in a can but my mum says i can hav then cos when evr i mak them she com in an says “YUGNICH DID YUO COOK HOD DOGS AGEN?” an i say “no! leeave me alon im neearly finishd skyrim for abuot the thuosandths time!” then she says “then why is the kitchen coverd in blood an why is yuor hand got the lid of can in it an why is the microwav filld with smok an its on fire an stuff?!” an then i say i dunno, it was prolly a no gud nansy or sumthin!” then she tak me home from the hospital an i hav to sleep for a buoght fuor days befor i can walk proply an not fall ovr. hod dogs are big time yum. my frend grils cozen lik them too. i don a pictur.

heres my recip:



yuo gonna need 20 cruncy sweet cucumbers.



sum bred.



some suasage like this fella got. his one look lik a silly face lOLOL!!


muzztard. yum if its hot an spicy an gud for nosbleeds.

how to done it:

put it all in a blendr an push one. after abuot 10 or 15 minuts put it on stop. empty it into a bowl an them put it in the microwav for 10 or 15 seconds.

if that works then mayb yuo can eeat it. i dunno if yuo cud reealy tho cos i nevr mad a hodtdog before. how do yuo mak 1? can yuo email me at yugnich@hotmail.co.uk? thask.

i give this recip nothin out of a million. (LOL!)


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Places that i din get to gone to

thers always reeal gud places openin in London wich is gud, especially for bigtim food guys lik me an tha othr ones on the WEB cos we can look at all of em an say “GOSH WAT RESESHION? LOOK AT LL THES GUD FOOD PLACES!” an laug an then go to 1 of our fav pubs an talk abuot thins lik how to make a burgr reeal nice, or wat our bes type of chees is (not baby belL!, LOROLF!) an wher the bes plac to eeat in a ditch is. but i don always get 2 gone to eeat to them, speshially now tha ive been reeal busy at the pet shop cos peeopl need pets. but also sumtim peopl come in an say “are yuo yugnichgritkin?2” an i saw “wats yuor favurit movie with dolpf lungren?” an if they saw sumthin stupid lik “tha expendables 2” (wich isn even OUT yet but i seen it cos i got a frend at video box) then i tel themm to “bloody beeat it!” then i do sum press ups to show them i meean busines. the reeal answer is “all of em” or mayb rocky 4.

cos i don get to gone to all the restrants but peeopl stil wanna no abuot them i don sum pichsurs of the bigtim 1s that opened pretty rescently. this is them, they all look pretty gud.:


this is a lil plac that sum fellas who had a petrol station opend cos they don hav much money cos evry1 sold ther cars an buoght cool thins lik scootrs an bikes like the bigtim london fella bovis jonson. tha angry food suckr doubl A Gill went to skrimpy cos they got nic drawins an thins on the walls an doubl A liks drawins even tho he cant pick up a pen an has to do al his drawin an his writin an thins thru a app an a blutooth hedseat i think. he kinda like tha plac but droppd his burgr which had a not very muscly crab in it (i think cos he not very gud at pickin thins up). so then he calld for his bes frend jezza clarksun from top gere to com get him in the JAG. then they drov aruond an found rats an old cars to laug at. they 2 big tim JOSHERS!!



the trampshed is a plac tha the fella from the film UPs son MARK hicks startd in a ditch. at the restraunt they get a cow an a chiken to fight in the middl of the plac an then which evr one loses yuo get to eat it. but sumtimes the cow fella does a reeal good roundhous kik an the lil chix suckr gets blown to smithreens so yuo hav to eat the cow anyway. tha bigtim fud girl grase dunt wen ther but din reealy lik it cos i think she wantd to bring her own chiken calld NANDOZ to fight but she cudn so she said she wanted to eeat nandoz. they also got 1 bigtime art fellas stuff in ther. his nam is dringle hitch and i think he left his wallet ther. its reeal spechial.



this plac is a rushian plac in a lil rushan ladys house summwher. like most rushians she reealy liks dolph lungren cos hes 1 of the best rushians to ever be in gud movies and thins, so she put los of his picturs on evry wall. so it suonds reeal gud. yuo can eeat thins lik bred rolls an old fish here an also drink thins lik a vodka an redbull. or a V K orang. i don kno if they got vimto but if they lik thins lik dolph lungrenn they prolly got sum vimto. my bes frend J. Rainer wen ther an he liked it but he ate alllllllllllLLLL the food so he lay down an fell asleeeep. if yuo go ther now yuo hav to be reeal quieet cos them fellas don wan to wake him up cos he gonna get reeal mad an say “IM A BIG TIM FOOD GUY! DON WAK ME YUO SILLY FELLA!” an then ask for a bit of cake an he wil be okay.


one day i wanna go to them placs but i prolly won for a lil whil. so insted i giv them all 0/0 for bein existin and good. nise 1 fellas.



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