Tag Archives: eggs

Brun Daddy

brun daddy

after i wen thru the secret door in the back of the fridge in lilos me an my new friend Drickens wernt even cold at all. i wasnt tha surprised that i wasnt because i dont really feel the weather tha much becaus of my muscles an my collection of beanees, string vests, gilets, doorags, small shorts and fur coats but i was mor surprised tha the small muscly hair fella Drickens (who was my new best frend) wasnt shivering or trying to soil himself to make him warm like my mums dog knuckles.

Drickens – who wasnt in the pocket of my dungarees anymor – look pretty happy so i said “why arent we cold if we just in a fridge?” an he said “because we not in a fridge anymore” and i said “where are we then?” and he laughed an pointed at something just behind my head. i turned around an saw a normal borin old tree tha i couldve easily climb if i wanted to but i jus didnt want to. “thas a boring tree an i could easily climb it Drickens” i said to Drickens an then he said “maybe you should have a closer look Yuggers. Also what is that in your pocket? is that hummus?” an i laughed cos i remember tha back when i was in lilos i got a handful just in case for the bus home.

then i looked closer at the tree an realised tha insteead of pineapples an butternuts an crips it was growin ostrich eggs the size of a mirror balls an i instantl jumped up, done a 180 an then went to get as many eggs as i cud get into my hands. i was so excited that i started rapping the lyrics to “Gravel Hut” wich is a song by my new favourit rapper GrugMubbelz####^^#

i picked up a whol 40 of the eggs an was just abuot to kick a few into the sun jus for fun when Drickens ran over an was crying like a lil baby or something an sayin “Yuggers no you shouldn do tha!” an i said “why not you dweeb?” an he said “jus cos tha tree got so many ostrich eggs it don mean tha you should take them. do you even want to eat tha many ostrich eggs?” an i said “trash my frash, Ash” wich is a line from Gravel Hut.

Then Drickens got scared an said we should go cos of tha eggs tha i took an he started running towards a well tha was as wide as a bus an he jumped in an he said follow me quickly! an i said “okay you dweeb and why don you tell me wher we are anyway?” an he said “WERE IN THE DEEP WEB YUGNIChH! THE DEEP WEB!!”

an i said ive been to the deep web before (cos ive been ONLINE) an then we fell for 40 minuts until it was so dark tha i couldnt see anythin apart from my glow in the dark tattoos.

then we cam to the end of the well an then Drickens said “through here” an we went through a small door an we came out into a toilet in a small basement an i said “wher are we now?” an he said we at the restrant Brun Daddy wich is a noodle place. an i said ok an then we went upstairs wher ther was lots of loud music an lots of people running around for no reason an everyone pretendin to be happy but also angry an some fella came to me an said do you want to eat somethin an i said “no thaks i stil got sum hummus” an then Drickens looked scared an i said “why you scared you small hairy doofus” an he stopped shakin for just a second and looked at me with his scared lame eyes.

then he said “somethin else came through the door from the deep web Yugnich. something dangerous.”

I wasnt scared at all but Drickens didnt look like he had seen the Undertaker on a bad day.

i give Brun Daddy 18/40

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how to hav 1 gud restrant

restrantguy

las nite ther was a gud show on TV called the restrant guy. it abuot sum fella who owns loads of greggz and pizza huts who goes aruond to other fellas in the country who want to open restrants but they dont reealy have gud ideas abuot anything and the restrant guy has to say thins like “do you want me to wash your dishes?” it quite good but he always jus wanderin around saying thins like “wen i opened my 3rd greggs i had to eeat all the sausag rolls for at leeast until ther was none left. but these fellas havent even eeaten 1 sausag roll?!?!” an then they go to visit one of his frends an in the end its all ok but i wasnt reealy sure howcome the silly fellas make it okay an neither is restrant guy but then he turns to the camera and takes his shirt off and says “gud thing they listened to me” an then he heeadbutts a tree or sumthin.

but openin a gud restrant is EEEASY. jus aks GregG Wrallance from misterchef. if u didnt kno before, here a few othr tips:

1. dont do menus

no menus

every1 knos that menus are lame an uncool, like babysitting your littl brother an going to the cinema cos they always say thins like “sir this film is a 18” an i say “obvs i kno tha” (cos i ONLY go see 18s like Cradle 2 the Grave), an then they say “tha meeans yuo cant take in tha baby” an then i have to say to them “what baby?!” an then they say “that baby tha is shoved into your string vest” and then i say “thats not a baby thas a big rat tha hasnt got any hair.” an then they say “sir im not stupid” an then i say “you are!!” an then i take off my string vest to show them my muscles an they say “oh, it reealy is a giant rat with no hair” but then i normaly just go home cos im bored.

2. always hav a buffet option

yay buffets

tha another reeason why u shoouldnt have menus. cos buffets are a LOTS beetter.

some good buffets u cud have are:

  • egg (obvs)
  • rice (u can charg it by the handful)
  • mince (same as above)
  • ham
  • goose

3. make sur tha all of ur chairs hav AT LEEAST one broken leg

chair

tha way peeopl always fallin over so they have to eeat quickly an leeave an thas good so that they don care abuot wat they eeating an also that you have space for every1.

4. location is important

laserquest

good places:

  • near/in skate parks
  • westfields
  • close to a nice lookin ditsch
  • laserquests/paintaball areans/parjkur (anywhere near extrem sports)

bad places:

  • neear expensiv shops
  • next to a nandos (no one gonna come to ur lame guff place if ther a nandos neearby)
  • luton
  • opposit of a landfil
  • insid of a landfil
  • on a old street with coble stones (no one gonna blade ther, are they?!?!)

5. music / design

art and style

this a obvius one dummy.  u want peeople to come into ur restrant eeaat a REEALY big buffet meeal of eggs an minc and milk and then leeave VERY QUICKLY. but u gotta get them in the door first. that why u need sick music pumpin out. try hav these playin (not all at the sam time tho dummy LOL! but reeeallllyyyy loud!):

  • skirllex
  • david greuta
  • limp bizkit
  • ICP
  • TIESTO

for desing a few things that peeopl alwasy love are:

  • VERY BRITE COLORS (u want fellas to be happy don u?)
  • very brite lights (u want fellas to see wat they eeatin don u?)
  • lava lamps
  • fake grass (or reeal grass)
  • pics of famus peeople (im thinkin macualy calkun. ed sheeran. the big bang theeory cast. gerrarld butler – anyone who gonna mak peeopl think “hey if macualy calkun can come to a goose bufet then maybe i shud as well.)
  • broken ligths bulbs insetead of normal ones.
  • all of ur waitress and waitresers shud also weear camo all the time. they shud also be muscly

that eveything for now. but i will prolly have another thik an put up another one so that u can open a good restrant that doesn suck. mmaybe me an restrant guy can go have a coffey an a sausag roll at one of his greggz an discuss sum iddeas an then we can put up anothr post wen we are best frends.

if u need help wit ur restrant u can email me: yugnich@hotmail.co.uk an i can give u sume speshial tips tha i didn put up heere already.

i give this post 90000000/98762

easy.

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puff town

pufftown

yesterdat was haloween wich is 1 of my fav holidays cos yuo get to not go to work an sit at home al day watching scary movies like paranormal games an forrrest gump an the 1 wher the fella calls up peopl on the phone an says “ooh im watchiin yuo an yuor ar scared in ur big huose” an then he scares them lots cos he no good nancy. i thik it called “you got mail”. this yeear i dressed up reeal good as WOLVEREEN from XMEN an went trick or treeatin to my mums frend dane who lives next door an he lauged an said “yuo not even dressed up as anythin YUGNICH” an i lauged cos he OBVIOUSLY dosnt kno anythin about XMEN an didn reealis tha i was wolverin when he not mad and wen worlverin not made his forks don come out of his hands but he still muscly with sick hair an a metal skeleton. wen i finished laughin (wich was ALOT later) i said “ok wel if i don get a treeat then here comes yuor trick sucker. if im not dressd as wolverin cud i do this?” an then i ran down the steps and jumped heeadfirst into his car windscreen an it smashed evrywher an it was cool an awesome and dane was impressed an only a lil bit mad but not tha mad cos he said he din even hav a car anymore an he didn kno whos tha was. but i just lauged and sang the XMEN theme tune in my heead for ages.

wen i got out of the hospital for al the cuts an stuf i was feelin preety hungry so i decided to go to my frend Neils from jons salt and pits cube new restrant called Puff TOwn. i knew it was prolly gonna be good cos of a few thing 1 – neils pretty muscly an he got sick tattos 2 – neils liks sick music like insane clown possy 3 – it called puff town so ther prolly gonna be at leeast 1 chanc to do sum bongs 4 – dane wasnt gonna be there. wen i got ther i was surprised tha it wasnt mor cool an was actualy more like my nans house cos of the lame music (ed sheeeran can fall in a well) an old peeopl stuf. but at leeast it din smel lik cats an burnt hair (my nan lik to play a gam called ‘burn the cats hair’ but i don like it so much). but it was not tha bad reealy. then i wen to the bar an aksed for a drink an the lady said they had a milliion diff beers an wich one wud i like but i got confused so jus went an sat down anyway with a mug of zade tha i had in my bag anyway. then i orderd sum food an saw neils through a littl gap in the wall an he was got no shirt on an he was headbanging an i though “ok mayb this gonna be a lil sick” an then sum food cam wich was a mcdonalds apple pie with sum old eg an the inside of a sausag roll wich was yumster cos of the mcdonalds bit an then i got sum meeat which was tastin like my nans cats (like sum fire) an was pretty good an yum an i liked it quit a lot. then i said to the lady at the bar “how abuot some puff town bongs?” an she looked at me funny an din say anythin an i thuogh thats quit weird an then i looked aruond an evey1 was lookin at me weird an i din kno why so i put my shirt back on (even tho it was still all got lots of blood from wen i jumped thru the carr) an went home.

then wen i was gone to bed i reeliased why every1 was lookin at me funny: i was still dress as WOLVERINE> OBVIULSY!!!!!!!

i giv puff town 66/78. gud job,

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meeat mashine

meeatmashin

them meeat fellas hav don it agen! they opend a nother restrant. it good for them cos every1 always sayin how fellas havnt got any money an so we gonna hav to eeat insects an got 3 jobs an my mums gona hav to let all her frends sleep in her bed cos they got no beds of ther own an stuff. so it gud that they havin a fun tim cookin burgrs an an stuf cos it not only tha we got no money but also it janury an it cold an so fellas evrywher ar angry an if yuo go on twitster (like i do ALOT cos i got a LOT of frends ther who arnt lik my frens in reeal life so they arnt always callin me an sayin “yugnich i thik yuo left yuor leeather string vest chaps at my huose” or “yugnich yuor skatbording skills arnt very gud” or “yugnich is my dad at yuor mums house agen?!?” an then laugh some an then hang up an i normly shuot “FLIP OFF BRAD!!” cos i kno i din leeav my chaps ruond his house an obviously my skarbord skils ar THE BOMB an his dad dosnt come ruond to visit my mum anymor cos last tim he cam ruond i drawn a pic of him wich was very funny so tha when i drawd it i laugd so much tha a lil bit of wee came out an then he got mad an sed “THAT IS NOT A NICE DRAWiN YUGNICH!! wat is tha smell?. yugnich yuor jeeans ar completly coverd in muck. why ar yuo weearing my trousers?”) fellas always complainin abuot thins lik burgers existin an peeopl takin photos of sanwichs an how to mak the bes hats made of chees an othr importnt thins lik tha. so it nic tha them meeat fellas don a nothr plac.

the new 1 is calld meeat mashin an it in a plac wich isn so eeasy to find an so i thik it used to be a job centr cos it hidden an yuo hav to go thruogh som scary doors an ther no so many windows but thers los of tabls an when i got ther them fellas recognisd me instantly an so they sed “com her wud yuo lik a tabl for 1?” but i din notic cos i was alreeady siting down wherevr i feel lik it.

then i aksed for the biggst beer tha they cud do cos i was thirsy cos i was imagining differnt freerunnin moves i cud do in ther (lots. obviusly) an so they bruoght me a nic beer in a upside down watr cooler bottle. i tried to drink it tho but it only had a lil handl from a teeacup so i pickd it up an it fel down an broke evrywher an then evry1 lauged an sed “oh yugnich. wat a josher.” an i lauged a lot as wel but it was also very sore cos a LOT of glas went into my foot an i had to hide it by puttin my foot in my backpack wich workd a treeat cos it is a camo backpack (obvs.)

then i had sum lil chix strips wich wer all mushy an coverd in salt an vinegr crisps an ketchup wich wer prety good an then i had a burger wich was long lika subway an had sum nic lil onions in it an sum brown soup an sum mayonase wich i thik was rancid cos i at tha whol thin an it made my eyes sor an my nose hurt an my throat feel lik i was eeatin sum fire. then i was finishd an i put sum mony on the tabl an startd to leeave but fellas were callin me tryin to get me to stay sayin thins lik “excuse me, do yuo know yuor foot is in yuor bag? why is ther so much blood aruond yuor table? are youo okay? mayb yuo shuldnt leeav yet. yuo shuold cleean up this mess. wow yuo look reeal musly like yuo cud do ALOT of push ups!!” i not sure abuot the last 1 cos i cudnt reealy heear anythin anymor cos i was feelin woozy an tired. then i went an got a trane but fel asleep for a few days an now im feel bettr an awake.

i giv meeat machine 13/28
MEATmission on Urbanspoon

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duck wafer

the other day tha fella Frelicks Brumgartner jumpd out of a baloon reeal high from tha gruond. so who cares anyway! crank 2 done it out of a plane an landed on a car an he DIN even hav a stupid parashoot or nothin! i was gonna do a sam thin once time wen i was flyin to sumwher lik italy or croydon or sumthin so i wore my best ooakley sunglases an a awesom camo leeather traousers an sed to the plane flyer wen i got on “im prolly gonna do a coupl of backflips wen we get to abuot 3000000 feet so jus let me know pleease.” i don thik he was very happy tho cos i was gonna be tha coolest guy on the plane an he din want that to happen so much so he tol me i had to leeav an go back home. then they took me out the airport an sed “why did yuo done that? how did yuo get in? do yuo even have a ticket? did yuo steeal these crocs from the duty free shop?” but i wasn reealy listenin cos i was thinkin abuot macbook PROS an how many episods of “NUNCHUCKS DIARIES 40” i cud put onto a iphone 5 if i had 1.

i was prety hungry tho an i heard abuot a new good plac that evry1 was think to lik calld duck wafer. its a reeal cool plac in the liverpool part of london an its in a reealy big hotel i thik. its reeal gud to get to cos yuo hav to go up a lift thas mad of glass an it make yuo feel like yuo are doin a crank 2 but in revers. wen yuo get up ther it gets even bettr cos thers actuly a cool bar ther an they made it look reeal nice cos they got a wal filld with aWESOME graf! it looks lik it from a SICK ed hardy t shirt or sumthin. thers also a lot of reeal cool cocktails lik the 1 tha i had wich cam in a big bottl filled with smok from a awesom motorbik an they give yuo a glass but it just a trick cos it better to drink it out of the bottle cos yuo look cooler even tho yuo cough ALOT from all the smok an stuff.

then yuo go into the restrant which i thik used to be a old dance studio (but thers not alot of space for dancing now. even tho it wouldv gon reeally wel with the graff wall). i sat down an said “can i hav a duck wafer pleas” an the fella said ok an they bruoght it over an it was quite nic cos it had a egg on it an a bit of a duck wich tasted lik wat if a chicken and a pig had a baby. they put it on a bit of cake an then yuo also get a nice sugar drink on the side to have as well. it was all ok but the sugar drink got stuk in my solepatch an now its stiky an smels real bad lik my fren Orleys groin patch.

then i wen to the lift again an did a coupl of brakedancing moves an thuoght that it wud prolly be a good plac to tak a girl on a date cos yuo cud say tha she shuldn be scard in the lift (make yuo look not scard) an then yuo cud tel her all abuot the graf on the walls (make yuo look cool) an yuo cud also eeach pay for sum of the drinks (so it wuldn be so expensiv to drink sum smokey brown glug from a reeal big bottl).

i give duck wafer 55/82

Duck & Waffle on Urbanspoon

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