Tag Archives: food



in london every1 always says ” we so spoiled for good thins to do” and everyone always so happy about the different scoff holes and bars an thins. but fellas dont often stop to think and say “hey actualy. where is the nearest paintball arean? what do i do if i wan to climb a tree as big as a buildin? if ther so many dojos then how come mos people arent even close to the level of karaty as me?” but it not such a bad place reealy.

i decided i should go to the new scran place from the chef frend of itsac and the clives from the clives club who is called Jonty Loowey an he used hav the world record for the most earings in 1 ear (6). he used to do cookin with his frends itsac and clives but then he decided to take sum time off so tha he could build the biggest beanbag in london. after a yeear he remembred he was allergic to beans an also bags so then he decided he prolly rather do a restrant instead so he opened a place called lilos which is named after a lilo cos of it is in a old changing room for a swimmin pool.

i went in an they said “hi do you have a reservation” an i said “my name is Neddins” which is a joke cos my name isnt Neddins its yugnich an then the lady behind the restrant desk said “i bet tha your joshin me. are you yugnich?” an i said “yes good one how did you know?” an she said somethin about my muscles, about my cool clogs and also something about that i had to put a shirt on an also i should stop screamin my own name. obvs i wasnt listening tho cos i was already smelling all of the things tha Jonty was cooking which i think was meat cereal.

i sat down on a lil chair an ordered a full plate of milk an a full bag of corn an then scratched my name an also a pictur of a horse into the table. then jonty came over an gave me a dish of food which was a old fish wich didnt even pong tha much at all. i took a bite an it was quite nice an a bit like eeating a chicken dipper if it was actually a fish.

then when i finished the fish i look down an seen that there actually a lil person who was one half as muscly as the rock an also one half as hairy as a badger and he looked up at me an say “hi yugnich” an his voice was as like the noise of a washing machine. an i say “hi lil hairy muscly guy” an then we shook hands an we exchanged email addresses an twitter names. then he got off my plate an pulled out a small pair of googl glasses an put them on an say “now tha you finished your ole fish why don we go for an adventur” so i put him in the top pocket of my dungarees an we got up an i started doin teh moonwalk to the door.

but then the lil guy said “no not thaat way yuggers” an he pointed towards a different way an i said “okay why not”. an then he pointed me to the kitchen where i walked in an told jonty not to worry (but he didn mind cos he was secretly eeating a family bag of nik naks an was blind from orange) an then me and the lil fella went to the fridge an i walked in an then the little fella got out of my pocket an jumped down to the corner of the fridge an knocked 4 times on the wall an all of a sudden a secret door opened an wat was behind it was the most SIIICK thing i ever seen in my life an i nearly was sick all down myself for a hour or two.

then the lil muscly guy said “cool huh?” an i nodded an i said “wat is your name lil fella” and he said “my name is richard dawkins. but you can call me Drickens.”

an then we went in the secret door in the back of the fridge in lilos

i give lilos 38/49

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coys bar


The other day it was the first day of a new year an it got me to thiking about al of the thins I done the last year that gone on. Thins lik wen I went I stoppd tryin to be boyfriend and girlfren with Rachel koo (if u reeadin tho u can stil chang ur mind an we can go to an all u can eat cereal buffet tha I kno abuot thas really close to my house an definitely ISNT just me putting a whol kelogz variety pack in my bath an then fillin it with milk even tho TROY keeps on goin around an SAYIN THAT!), an also wen I went to puff town an didn do ANY bongs or wen I at sum grub at the clives club (good ole maps!) or wen me an Vin diesl went around beeatin up nerds who liked thins lik swimming an not-brakedancing. It got me thiking tha it was a pretty gud year.

So when I was finished bein happy an pattin my self on the back an spinning around in circles until I was dizzy an was sick in the corner of the nosh closet (my mum got reeal mad at me wen she found it cos she said “YUGNICH, you’ve ruined all the food in here. Its not even cold anymore cos of how hot ur sick is. Are u ill?”) I decided to get sum nice food.

I wen to a litl plac called coys bar wich is startd by a lil irish fella called coy who walks wit a stick even tho he dosnt have to just so that wen sum1 says sumthin mean to him lik “hey I bet that stick smells lik GUFFS COY!” he can drop it an go “I don even need it anyway” an then he does 3 backflips in a row an then sits in a perfect yoga position an laughs until the other fella runs away screming an crying an trying not to call his mum.

It a small litl  plac an u can only sit at the little bar when a bunch of cheffy fellas do thins lik boil rice and make instant noodles reeeeeeeealy slowly an quietly cos they are all tired and sleepy. I sat down an then ordred sum food an sum nice ladys bruoght me a big ole beer (wich I drank it super quick tim. Obvs) an then a bowl of sumthin wich I thik was defintly pig marshmelows wich were yummy an good an soft an only slightly like the marshmellows tha my mum used to put in my pokets befor I went to fight school. Then I scoffed them up which was reeal nice an then I got another dish wich had mince an instant noodles an sum orang juice or sumthin like that wich was good cos it tasted like wen I smash up a sausage roll an put it in with my cereal wich is always top.

Then wen I was finishd I stood on the bar thing an sed “hey why is the music so quiet?!?!?!” an then coy stuck his head around the corner an sed “got you!” an then turned up the stereo reeal loud an we played david guueta songs for 40 minutes whil we took turns in doin sick moves. Then every1 clapped an sed “wow 2014 is goin to be the best year ever” an i sed “yes it is.” Then coy looked at me an showed me his new tattoo of an sed “yes it is yugnich. yes it is”

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itsac from the clives club intervew



itsac is 1 chef frend of me an he also cooks sum food at his restrant called the clives club with his 2 bes frens called clive. they all reealy into maps an stuff. he prolly one of the best guys to kno abuot food. he kno even mor than jonty who works down at the gym an always lets me eeat some of his mash potato sanwiches wen go to the hot room togethr. he once went to leeds so that he cud go to all of the spagetti house restrants in 1 day but he said it was actually reeal eeasy cos ther arnt any spagetti house restrants in leeds so he just went home again an ate sum toast.

here is my rinterview:

Is there a way tha yuo can tel tha yuor  toast is cooked withuot lookin in the toaster?

yeah when the spam is microwaved it isz ready.

Is it true tha yuo decided to be a chef cos yuo an your frend got kicked out of after school graf-gang the “spout boys”?

no, we left cause they were well boring and their graffs were rubbarsh

Can you do a kickflip?

only a 720….. http://ow.ly/rq6dd

Whats the higest number you ever counted to?

45, i always fall asleep if i start counting numbers

Are you sad tha you don get to go on the great british menu with fellas lik Tom Achin or go on MISTERCHEF with M-DOGG ROO?

Yes, but one day they will want to have me on misterchef the professionals and i will make them all cook chik nuggs as the test

Do you an Tom Achin stil play NHL 94 evry second weekend?

no,   he stopped playing with me and just plays against tom story now

Have you ever thought abuot openin a restrant called “Itsacs Fishshack” wher you just buy loads of gregs sausage rolls an write “PASTRY EEL” on them an then sell them for big bucks?

can i have that????

no isaac

Were all the good names taken when you decided to open you own restrant?

johnny wanted to call it SAUSAGE but that was way too future for shoreditch so we had to go with a boring name that the people of shoredurch could ‘get’

clives yum

How did you get al them fellas to give you money?

i don’t know but it worked.  i think it was the ribena and custard creams at the showround

How much money to do you thik I can get for my invention “3way mirror”? it’s a two mirror glued onto just a normal mirror so you can look THRUOGH the two mirror and see the NORMAL mirror. #mindbogglin

dunno i cant figure it out

Do you thik you will be the first restrant in London to have: 1. A skateramp? 2. Free bongs 3. Chees wheel Sundays?


Was it sad wen your chef frend from ‘lil turks had to go an be james bond?

yes, but daniel craig wasn’t feelin well and they needed someone real quick

How come fellas lik no.9 an no.3 an no.1 from slipknot can all work together in a band but chef fellas cant?

they got the masks so they can pull faces at each uthr and noone knows if they are in a bad mood

Now that thers los of horsemeat an stuf in shops do you thik a lot of vegetarians will start to chang ther minds abuot thins?

i thik the vegetarirans think they are are winning, and they need to watch out or they will be getting a big surprises soon

Wat wud you do if you were workin out an then you saw double A Gill on the treeadmil next to you?

i would spend the next 25 minutes talking to him about my holiday in sicily then just at the end tell him that he isnt veery good at writiing.

double a

Why do peeopl serve wine in restrants on its own if no one actuly drinks it without mixing it with A LOT of lemonade at home?

cos its french and everyone wants to look cool like they really into french stuff

6 Mar 2002 Nan and dogs wearing berets

do you have a discount at your restrant for juggalos?



How much money wil I prolly hav to bring if I wanna have a big scoff party at your place? Wat abuot if I promis to writ a blog post abuot it as well which wil have at LEEAST 12 gifs in it as well?

we don’t like GIFS

Do you thik you wud lik to be like godrun ramsney when you grow up?

yeah but i need to be more shouty

Whats the best sandwich that you can think of?

the one i had when i was in new york last autumn. it was great

My frend Hovis said that he reead on the internet tha they making a new star wars film.

i know rite

Wud you rather eeat nothing but potnoodles for a week or hav to be frends with Marc Us Warring for a year?



Wats your fav plac to eeat in olympics westfieeld?

still banned form going within 2 miles of that place after i did that night out with you and your mate Hovis.

Did yuo get these ideeas for food from my ideea/graf juornal?

-chix nuggz? YES

-Hummus cereeal an gravel? no you stole thAT  FROM ME

-Microwaved ham? THATS For the new restaurants we gonna open

-Any sort of eggs? em?

-Whol menu made from chix scraps? we tried that but it was too booring

thes are sum other ideeas that u can put on yuor menu an it can be like the nex CROTNUT:

-bong salad – stuf sum leeaves an potatos an muscls in a bong. Blaze for a sec. Scoff the slad scraps.

-Backwards fondu – eithr you shov bits of melted chees slics in lil birs of bred or you tak spoons of hog fat, dip it in sum minc, then scoff it down. i havnt decided wich yet.

-Donut – half doritos half nuts scrammed up into a lil ball.

-Baconzade – boil 1 hole tub of bacon in a pot of zade for a few huors. Tak it out. Chill the zade to drink later an eeat the bacon.

The suond of the sea – yuo mak some dreads out of sum fish mince. Put it on sum sand. Chuck it all on a ipad playin a sick playlist of jack jonson songs wit the itunes visulizer on MAX.

-backwards eggs – tak out the yolky bit from the othr bit of the egg. Put the yolky bit in the microwave for 20 mins. Put the whit bit in a syring an stab in into the yolky bit an then push it in ther. Then scof it down an try not be sick.


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hawks an more

hawks an mor

quite sum months ago ther was all this stuf in the news abuot how fellas was eeating horses wen they was tryin to eeat burgers instead an it was real gud cos it was a gud oppatunity for fellas to make good joshes and say thins like “what did the barguy say wen a horse walked into a burgerr?” he say “hey the long faceQ!” an every1 was all laugin an stuff but it also mad me thik abuot all the thins tha we don normly eeat lik cats an rats an lettuc an hamsters (ther loads of hamsters at my old work an they reeal easy to catch cos they so silly and dum an they in cages an stuff). why don mos fellas even eeat eggshells? they free an thers lots of them an they don tast so bad an they only mak u bleed LOTS out of yuor mouth an yuor mum don even find out if yuo hav a spesh egg shel bag under yuor bed tha she don kno abuot until she come into yuor room an say “YUGNICH why is ther all this blood on yuor pillow again?! hav yuo been givin yuorself nosebleeds again? thas not how yuo get girls to like yuo!!” an i jus laug at her cos i din give myself a nosebleed i jus hit my heead against the wall wen i was rockin out to imagining tha i was listenin to mudvayn. an also all the egg shells i was eeatin.

i was thikin that it all such a wast of reeal good scoffs so i was real happy wen i heeard about a plac in london called “hawks an more” wich done food lik all the othr lil scrud bits of stuff tha no1 ever eaats lik hawks an donkeys an pigrats an stuf.  so i got a bus to spiterfield wich only took abuot a few huors cos i got lost an fell into a well an made frends with a rat whos name was droynal an he had wicked good diablo skills but then i realised i was in a bustop an droynal was a bin.

then i got to hawks an more an said “can i hav a big hawk please” an they said okay an then i sat down an at a lil table in the room an it was dark an it was lik a cool disco. an then they got brung me sum wine wich was quite nice (it wasn it was rank an lik vinegar an stuff but it was good an foody yuo know?) an then they got me sum old dog bones i thik cos they wer trying to impress me an put them in a fire an said “scoff on thos yuggers. fresh dog scrud” an it was okay an good but i wish fellas wud stop steeling my ideas for food thins cos 1 day i will prolly do my restrant an i will need to take back all these thins like dog bone fire sticks (hawks an more), chix nugs in tree bits (clives club), fat stik an bread (storeybooks), and eggs (norma) back so that all fellas cant cook them anymor. then they bruoght me sum big bit of hawk or pig or horse or summin an then i scoffed it down an it was nice an burnt an ther was blood an all sorts of stuf an it was good. then they said okay yuggers, yuo owe use abuot £100000 pounds an i said “ok but wat if i just promis to writ a blog abuot yuo” and they joshed with me an said “do yuo hav a blog?” an i lauged an then went home whil they wer shuotin at me abuot sumthin but i wasn even listen cos i was thinkin abuot the perfect horse joke. her it is:

“what did my dad say to the hors”

“Yugnich eats BURGERS!!! yuo shuold be SCARED!”


i giv hawks an more 59/80

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The Clives Club


it was jus eeaster time which is good cos it my favurit holiday (obvs!?) obvs it my fav cos it all abuot eggs an i reeally love eggs. but also i don reealy lik it cos it mostly choc eggs an not reeal eggs an tha a bit like a notgood joke like wen i tol my fren Royne tha i had all his dogs an cats an hamsters an thins (an he got ALOT of them cos he sum big nerd an stuff) an i lockd them in a car an drove them into the sun an he was all scard cos he say “YUGNICH YUO NOT ALUOD TO TAKE ANY ANIMALS OUT OUT OF THE PETSHOP ANYTIME EVER!!” an i lauged cos i said i just joshin they not reealy in my car i don even hav a car an yuo cant even drive a car into the sun cos it cant fly an no1 knos wher the sun actualy is anyway. an then we both lauged alot except he didn cos he was still shuotin thins like “I know yuo don have a car but wher are all the animals” and “did yuo open all the cages” an wat did i tell yuo abuot playin wrestlin with the hamsters yugnich!” but i didnt reealy care cos i knew he was jus angry cos i got ole Royne with a good josh. if yuo reeading this then LOL ROYNE! but he got me back to cos whenevr i go to work he always say to me yuo not aluod comin here anymor. josher.

so cos i din hav to gone to work cos of Royne;s joshing i thuoght i wud go get sum nic food in london at my frens Itsacs place in shohdatch an it calld clive’s club. ther 2 fellas ther who done all the waiterin an goofin with customers an stuff an they ar both called Clive an wen they wer yuonger they used to go to the same google maps fan group an then they started doin ther own google maps fan club in ther house an they called it The Clives Club an Itsac used to come aruond an he started brining snacks aruond for evryones like boiled eggs an grabags an stuff an they said “shud we start a cool restrant in a old museum or sumthin” an they said yes an then they chest pumped an then it was open.

I wen ther an then got a nice lil table in one of the old museum rooms an then i said “bring me sum burgers or sumin Clive” an they said okay an went off an got me sum food but it wasn burgers but it was stil quite good but i little mad at itsac cos he obvs stolen all my ideas for good foodstuffs. first he bruoght me sum lil chicken nuggs (yuo gotta give it to chicken nuggs. yuo just GOTTA!) an then sum lil red carrots wit sum spicy burger sauce an sum gravel which was quite good but not as good as the chick nugz. then they put sum ham in the microwave for me wich was nic an sweeaty wich i scoffed reeal quick an then i munched sum lil fish pile an then sum othr muscly fish with sum green stuff an green crips. then i did a lil bit of pressups an then they brung me a nice kebab wich they put on a plate an made it all fancy wich was quit good an then the last thin was a plat of sum hummus an sum gravel an sum cereeal wich was reeal good an i scoffed it all reeal quick.

then it was all good an fnished an i thuoght that quit nice 2 clives an itsac but now i gotta go home cos i jus rememered tha i had almost all the animals from the petshop in my bath an Royne is prolly made an also my mum wud prolly not be happy abuot me cloggin up the bath again. oh oh.

i give Clives Club 54/60 cos it was all my fav foods like gravel an chick nuggs an ham an stuff.


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a open letter to rachel coo


deear rachel coo,

i know tha i mak a lot of goofs an tha i a bit of a cheeky guy, but im a bbit sad tha yuo never reply to my tweets or my emails or my phon calls (i always get scard an hang up befor yuo answer LOL!) an i not even sur yuo got tha bit of leftover pizza i sent to yuor house on xmas (if yuo did an yuo don want it can i hav it back?).

i rememer the first time i saw yuo on TV rkhooks an it was a greeat day. i had jus had a nice cold bath an me an my frend Tubbers wher dryin ourselvs off an he said “hey yugnich i bet yuo cuoldnt do a tombston lik the undertaker cuold yuo big wimp!” an i lauged cos obvs i knew tha i cud. prolly bettr than the undertaker actualy cos i thik i cud be in wrestlmania if i wanted but i don want to cos i just want to focus on being a big time food guy. so then as a surpris i jumped up on the couch to tombston Tubbers but then I changed my mind a bit becaus i immediatly fel over an smashed a glas coffe tabl an brok my nans wheelchair an fell into a fishtank an woke up the baby sleepin next door. but tubbers i thik was pretty glad i din tombston him cos he wudve been SORE!

wen i fell over i also fell onto the remot control an it turned on the TV an on TV was yuo R-Dog. i cant remember wat yuo were doing (prolly makin sum gross frogs legs or watever othr yuck stuff yuo mak is), but i thuogh “wow. thers 1 very pretty lady.” yuo had lips wich were red: as red as jordans. an hair wich was black: as black as a black pencil crayon. an a smile tha was like a cheeky baby guffing itself. an yuo had eyes.

i thuoght “wow yugnich is that yuor mu is tha yuor future wife?” an then i thuoght again “yes it prolly is.” so thas wen i fell in love with yuo rachel. an thas when i started to send yuo stuf an try get yuor attenshion.

i know it must be hard for yuo cos yuo prolly got a reeal weeak wimpy fella in greece (or wherevr yuo are), an he prolly crys at yuo al the time to stay with him an make poridg an boring stuff. an i kno yuo prolly scard that if yuo came to me yuod get jealuos cos i was so muscly an whenevr i tak yuuo out on my scootr an i got my bandana on an my spandex crocs an im got no shirt on an the rain is makin my guns reeal wet yuo imagin los of girls comin up to me an sayin “wow yugnich yuo so buff. yuo wanna do snogs?” but it actualy doesnt happen tha much (prolly cos they also nervuos). so yuo shuoldn worry.

it valentins day today rachel an i don wan yuo to be alone. my mum said tha no1 shuold be alone an so thas why she invites los of her frens aruond tha im not aloud to call dad an im also not aloud to play with them in her room. its gud tha she isnt lonley an so i don wan yuo to be lonely eithr cos sumtimes when peeople try to not be lonly they make othr peeopl lonley an tha isnt nice.

we wudnt even hav to go anywer r-coo. my mum is gonna see her-not-dad-frend so yuo can come aruond an i can make us sum chix bits an then yuo cud watch me do sum pressups and we can both think abuot out favuorit ice creeam flavuors (yellow).

yuo might be busy tho rachel so mayb im sorry. if yuo reead this can yuo pleeas at leeast say hello? send me a tweet (@yugnichgritkin) or a email (yugnich@hotmail.co.uk) or a letter or a cake or a box of crackers or find me on the skyrim forums or sumthing cos tha wud make me very happy.

thank yuo.

yuor guy,

Yugnich Gritkin


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picturs i drawn last year in no order

this a blog for sum peeopl who don use twitster cos they tha fellas who don get to see all of my drawins. i know tha them fellas ar prety silly for not bein on twister cos they prolly miss out on all the gud thins lik wen a PR person does a silly thin or wen a chef says sumthin meean or funny abuot anothr fella or sumthin or mayb falls over into his computr cos he so angry. it also gud for me to put thes pics ONLINE cos i draw so many pics tha i forgt i drawn them cos i hav to hide them cos i cant let my mum see them cos last tim she saw my drawins she was reeal mad an angry an sed “yugnich why did yuo draw this horible pic of me it is not NICE how ar yuo goin to be a LAWYER wen yuo do stupid thins lik this!!!!!!!” wich wasn very nic becos i only did a pictur of her playin wrestlin with 3 of her bes special frens who im not aluod to call “dad” or “orley” or “hey gumpnose!” an  she cud stil drive her car good an my cousin roy only had to paint half the house agen an i dont think she evn used the hoover tha much anyway. it also gud becos this is all the gud stuf tha happend last year:



it was the lympics an ther was this lil fella from cranada i thik an he won sum wierd swimin race were he had to punch the wattr LOTS AN LOTS an then his dad got all happy an jumpd aruond an sed “thas my lil boy! he punched the watr bettr than anyone! im gonna buy him a mint corneto!!!!” but im not sur if he ever got the mint corneto cos he a fat fella an he prolly ate them all up b4 his lil boy cud get his chops on it.


this my fren gingirls bday. she liks gin an she livs in the back of a tescos breadfactory so she gets all the best bits of bred tha don go to the shops cos they forgot to put rasins in them or the fellas got hungry an had a chomp of them befor the sold them an stuff. she also REEEAAAALY liks shaq from basktball evn tho hes reeal old now an he didn evn make any mor kazam genie films evn tho they wer obvs the best thing tha happnd from out of basketball. i mad him reeal small to mak gingirl feel bettr but also cos he is prolly small an not very clever. not lik STONE COLD!



this my othr fren GRIZTERS bday. shes reealy into skatbaords an tribal tatoos an she weears a to mch hair than she needs on her heead. 1 time wen i had tooo much hair on my heead also i calld up my fren TROY an aksed him if he wantd to cut it for me an he saed “no go away who is this? my name is Gerald. this is a bakery. are you still there? its 4 in the morning.” but i wasnt reealy listenin cos i was drawin pics of ultimate frisbee moves in my cereeal. now i cant hav any hair any more cos my mum says “it easer to not hav anythin than havin to always go to the doctor cos yuo don kno how to wash yuor hair proply” an i just laughd cos she doesnt know anythin abuot dreadlocks an it doesnt mattr anyway cos my armpit hair is longrenough to dreadlock anyway.


tha fella guz farey opened a restrant in NEWYORK in LA an no1 liked it much so i done this pictur to cheer him up. i don kno if it workd. guz?


this my frend hugsy. hes reealy into workin uot (even tho hes not very gud) but i gotta give him props cos he also liks string vests lik me except i don thik he weears enuf lether ties an stuf. we prety gud frens but secrtly i thik he hang aruond wit me an stuf cos i kno mor abuot fashion an once teachd him wat lasagner was. he thuoght it was type of fish food made of graps. this pic i done to cheer him up cos he reeal fancys tryal branks. she sum profesional bowler or sumthing.


new eggs

this was a competishion i went to to mak the best egg coverd in crisps. i din reeal see the point of it ether but i drank sum nice glug of beer an then fel asleep in a boat cos it was neear a river an then i wen hom an playd xbox 360 for a few days an made my own egg it crisps an took it to the competishion but it wasn ther an it was just a regular tescos anyway an sum fella tol me im not aluod ther anymor cos i din pay for my hand soap from last time.



thes ameican fellas had a comp to see who was mor poopular an the fella who playd the lil screechy fella in batman lost.


this was the lympics again. it was of wen it opend an i learnt tha kenrith brangar from the movies actualy made england. then bovis came aruond an sed a bunch of stuf but no1 was listen cos they wer al waitin for the lil divin fella to covr himself in chocolat an jump into sum water or they wer imagining how good we wud be if jasun stathum did all the lympic sports for england an wher wud we be able to keep all the medal?S?


origami snale.


this was ribcage guys bday. he drank 40 litres of bludy crums sause an was stil goin. hes a prity crazy fella an 1 day we are goin to go to laser quest togethr an each tak in a can of red stripe an see who can drink it befor i fal asleep or get angry at anothr kid for havin a bettr laser pack than i do.


this was the vote party again from wat i sed lik from abov.




this was from novembre wen los of fellas grow mustachs for chics an my mum says thas why thers los of babys in the next yeear cos of movembre. i was gonna grow 1 but then i grew a reeal big 1 an i went outsid an abuot hunred chicks wer al coming over to me an saying “wow yuo so cool can i tuoch yuor muostach when can we go an watch loserville togethr ive got 4 expansion packs for warcraft at home to yuo want to come play them on xbox?” an so i got bored an jasun stathum calld me an sed “come on guy leeave sum chics for the rest of us. heres 30£ go an buy a milkshake.” an i laughed so i cut it off anyway.

cpop bday


this was my fren cpopes bday. him an guz farey got togethr an punchd pizzas from fire an stone cos them pizzas suck an cpopes lauged a bunch but then he had to go to sleep cos he only bruoght 1 ice skate to the skating rink wher they went after. the nex day he went to pizza hut buffet an at so much pizza his fingernails fell off. it was a gud day i thik.



this is wen the royal fellas joshed evry1 wen they sed that they gonna hav a baby but actual it was a pillow tha she put in her top an k-mridz was only sik cos james corden textd her a pictur of him in the bath. they the best joshers in the land an thas how they became king an princes becos ashton krutcher from punkd tried to punk them but they knew abuot it so punkd him back an so the queen sed that they can be king an princess. 1 day i think i thik i wud becom king but i thik i wuldn be aluod to watch wrestlin blurays or play wit tech decks or nothin so i prolly wont.


thas TOOOOOO mcuh writin for me im sleepy. can i hav 4 hotdogs pleease? thaks.

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2013 food trens

it neearly the end of the yeear an so it tim for all the fellas to say thins like “this is the yeear wen drinkin in placs lik behind homebase with roy an yahoney reealy became big” an “2012 was the yeear tha the chef expendabls was inventd an jims fishwood was sad but then othr peeopl wer hapy he was sad an wish he was sad mor an it was also the yeear tha dabooz did wel but also now it not so gud cos peeopl ar bored an if yuo lik it now yuo arnt a reeal foody but street food is stil good an stuff” an stuff. it also the time wen clevr peeopl try decid wat is gonna be gud for next year. nex year i prolly gonn buy a new lether bandana cos my old 1 got coverd in blood an sick an bred an stuf from wen i tried to mak a spageti for my dins. my mum wasn very happy but she din mind too much cos i hid most of the mess i made under the bed an it only smel a lil bit so it not so bad.

this is wat prolly gonna be big in 2013. don forget it fellas!:

orderin food thru blutooth


Grodrun ramsney

yuo gotta give it to him. yuo jus GOTAA!


sheep buckts

laptop sanwich

sanwichs in the shap of laptops. the bes 1 will be calld the “macbookpro” an it wil be 45 slices of breosh bred 13 bits of mayo a whol heeap of mash sum spinash mayb sum ham. i don reealy kno. i don kno if it been inventd yet but it suonds lik it a good idea. prolly be bigtim.


surpris restrants in bathrooms

so wen fellas go to mak toilet they walk in ssay “oh look thers tha fella tum carridge makin noodl omlets in the corner ther. thas gud i wil hav pleeas tum!” excep mayb not tum cos he mite not fit an stuf. may tho if it a big lil bathroom.


new zeeland food

i don no wher new zeeland is. mayb it in africa or america or sumthin. but fellas only lik food from placs they nevr heard abuot or food tha they eeat a lot anyway but not in nice restrants so they can say “did yuo hav the egg sanwich from Norma?!?! it lik a egg sanwich but it was bludy good an tha lil fella Reny made an it tasted soooooo gud lik a egg in sum bred! wow!” in new zeeland they prolly eat thins lik egg sanwichs or sandpits or sumthin but fellas will be happy cos they can say to ther frends “wow did yuo eat the egg sandpit at newzeelandfoodplac! it was so difrent it was amazin!” an then they go sumwher an be sick an eat 40 mcdronlands burgrs on the bus to ther huose.



no thas jus a josh. no1 reealy liks fruit. LOLMA!!


wresling restrants

peeopl love placs lik the Raininfort Cafe an the plac wher yuo can play ping tennis an eeat pizza (im the bes at ping tennis. obvuisly) so i thik restrants tha hav wresling on 24 7 wud be reeal popular cos fellas cud go ther, mayb eeat a cuople of chix bits, tak his shirt off an do a cuopl tombstonin moves. then mayb chill out with a nic glass of egg an do it all again. wat fella wudn wanna do go to tha restrant?!?



wrapd up an then put into a blendr an then fried for 40 mins an then put into a burgr. i thik the meeat fellas ar gonna done it.

the internet

ET computer kid happy surprised2




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marina olaflin intervew

i been doin a blog for a lil time now an i thik i gettin prety gud (obvs). but ther othr fellas who are stil bettr an so i wantd to speeak to them so i cud try an steeal al ther gud ideeas an stuf. this a intwrview i did wit marina olaflin.
mazz-dog is 1 of my bes frends an also a gud bigtim food writr an she writs for places lik ‘the gardnian’ an ‘rovil’ an ‘twitster’. she prolly 1 of the best food peeopl out ther. heres tha intervew.
Yuggers: Is a anchovy sumthin tha food peeopl use to see if othr people are foody to cos its achsually disgusting an tastes lik a sharks armpit?
Mazzers: Anchovy is what gets you membership of ARF (Association of Real Foodists). To get into the secret upper echelons, you need to eat anchovies over andouillettes.
Wat do yuo look lik?
I am constantly mistaken for Nancy del’Olio.
Do yuo lik to wear: a)shorts b)cloaks c)crocs d)ripped jeans
I love all of those things, worn together if I can. When I don’t look like Nancy, I look like Mario Batali.
If yuo cud take zooby duchtannel to any restrant in London wich one wud it be?
Because I like it about as much as I like her.
Wat is yuor chidrens favurit food?
Son: sushi. Daughter: meat and sugar.
Wat is yuor husband/boyfs favurit food?
Currently, a suitcase full of Lyon sausages.
Wat are ther actshual favurit food (not tha one that they tell yuo they lik. The one they actshually lik to eeat all the tim wen yuo are in Italy or Croydon or sumthjin)?
This is the whole truth, Yugnich. Mine is hot buttered potato scones with smoked Maldon salt, even though you didn’t ask me.  Or toasted sourdough with loads of butter and white Istrian truffles.
How often do yuo eeat at jamies Italian?
Is ther anything better than eeatin microwaving sum ham, putting on new girl an puttin the heeatin up to 40?
You can microwave ham until you’re purple in the face, but do not subject me to bloody New Girl. Sheesh.
Bloody cutesy girlie I’m-so-ditsy Zooey.
Do yuo sumtims want to writ for the daley mail?
I did once. They edited my piece to end with the words ‘pass the sickbag’. I have never done it again.
Is it okay if i tell peeopl that i am yuor 3rd cousin?
I thought you were?
Is marina olaflin yuor reeal nam or is it reealy
My real name is Marina Patricia Genevieve Pia O’Loughlin. Irish pa, Italian ma, innit.
What is the best thin tha yuo can cook tha isn’t cereal?
I am really brilliant at toast and Marmite.  Or my mother’s ragu which takes nearly a day to cook.
Are yuo sumtimes sad that yuo cant go on masterchef?
It is a constant, overwhelming source of sadness to me.
Is bein sik in a bin the opposite of bein hungry?
Don’t tell me you’re a bulimic, Yugnich! It rots your teeth.
Wat crisp flavur do yuo wish sum1 wud mak into a soft drink?
Smoky bacon, obviously.
Wat is yuor favurit type of wisk?
Nigella’s tiny ladylike whisks.
Wat is a blog?
It is something that terrifies a lot of old fuddy-duddy journalists and excites a lot of pr people. Yours is my favourite EVER
If yuo were not a big tim food lady wud yuo be a)reealy good at fire poi b)a taxi driver c)lego d)sumthin else?
I am really good at watching five episodes of Breaking Bad one after the other and then feeling slightly sick. So maybe I could be a big time film critic.
How do yuo kno if yuo ar in love?
You can’t eat.
Do yuo kno Rachel coo?
No. Sorry Yugnich. I am slightly sensing you have a bit of a ‘type’, am I right?  I could introduce you to my pal Dolores – Dolly – if you like. Lots of lovely dark brown hair…
Nancy dell'olio seen leaving her london home and heading to a studio in south london England
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dirt burgers

sumtimes thins lik restraunts is reealy confusing cos all sorts of peeopl don always wanna do smart thins lik go to eeat a pizza hut buffet evn tho yuo can get as much food as yuo wan, thers abuot a millon of them an it maks yuo ful lik yuo eeaten a hunred eggs an yuo won hav to go to the toilet for another thriteen days. i had 4 pizza hut buffets in 2 days once wich i thuoght was reeally gud but then my mums cuosin sed “why din yuo jus got twic in 2 days an eeat twice as much eeach tim an then yuo wuoldn hav to pay 4 times. only 2 times.” wich i din reealy thik abuot but i din wanna look stupid so i askd him wat a TRONKUSO was an he sed he din kno an i lauged a lot an sed “yuo arnt even a FOODIE like me yuo dum guff so wat wuold yuo know abuot food yuo IDIOT !!!!!” an then i did a ninja move rite neear to his face so close that it was like a mini hurrican of scary neear him an then he vomited on himself an started cryin an my mum sed “YUGNICH STOP PRETENDIN TO PUNCH THAT BABY!” but i was reealy listenin cos i was thinkin abuot TRONKUSO an the fact tha i don reealy kno wat it is.

my fren J. Rainer wen to eeat it the othr day an los of othr peeopl say tha its the thin tha evrybody shuold be eeatin now cos its cool an  tha meeans yuo cant reealy eat it cos evry1 else is eeatin it an yuo cant book tables an the retrants only have abuot 1 an a half tables anyway an if J. Rainer is eeatin ther then most of the tables will be being used anyway cos of his hair. in new york it is bettr becaus fellas lik gruy Frieery kno abuot gud thins an open restants with a millon seeats wich is gud becaus it meeans i can bring in my scootr an also a bag of bred an stuf. i din get to eeat TRONJUSO cos of all these reeasons. also cos i don kno wat it is. i think its a smal bag of crisps or sumthin.

insted i wen to eeat sum burgers cos they ar stil gud an all the fellas kno this so we gonna hav A LOT MOre bugr places open in london (yesssssssssssssssssssss). i wen to 1 calld dirt burgr wich is in a lil car park an is a cool lil sauna wit a big tabl in the  middl wich wud be perfect for sum brakdansin if ther werent so many peeopl eeatin on it. i wen to the cuonter an got 1 burger an asked for a sprite but the girl sed sumthin an pointed but i nevr got a sprit. insted thers a nice frige with free drinks wich is good. i was thirsy so i had 14 ciders from the fridg an then i felt reeal sick an sleepy. then my burger came an i ate it an it was nice an cruncy an it was gud. the bes thing abuot dirt burger was tha all tha fellas in ther were talkin abuot burgers an wich 1 in london was the best 1. i heard sum fellas talkin abuot mother flippz an Byzron an stuff so i stood up on my chair cos i was goin to talk abuot MEATLICKEr but then i fel over cos i drunk another free cidr to quickly. then i wok up outside a few huors later an my heead hurt quite bad.

then i wen home an reead sum of wikipedia until i fell asleep again an dreamt abuot all the diffrent crocs in the world.
i give dirt burger 44/100

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