Tag Archives: jasun stathum

hawks an more

hawks an mor

quite sum months ago ther was all this stuf in the news abuot how fellas was eeating horses wen they was tryin to eeat burgers instead an it was real gud cos it was a gud oppatunity for fellas to make good joshes and say thins like “what did the barguy say wen a horse walked into a burgerr?” he say “hey the long faceQ!” an every1 was all laugin an stuff but it also mad me thik abuot all the thins tha we don normly eeat lik cats an rats an lettuc an hamsters (ther loads of hamsters at my old work an they reeal easy to catch cos they so silly and dum an they in cages an stuff). why don mos fellas even eeat eggshells? they free an thers lots of them an they don tast so bad an they only mak u bleed LOTS out of yuor mouth an yuor mum don even find out if yuo hav a spesh egg shel bag under yuor bed tha she don kno abuot until she come into yuor room an say “YUGNICH why is ther all this blood on yuor pillow again?! hav yuo been givin yuorself nosebleeds again? thas not how yuo get girls to like yuo!!” an i jus laug at her cos i din give myself a nosebleed i jus hit my heead against the wall wen i was rockin out to imagining tha i was listenin to mudvayn. an also all the egg shells i was eeatin.

i was thikin that it all such a wast of reeal good scoffs so i was real happy wen i heeard about a plac in london called “hawks an more” wich done food lik all the othr lil scrud bits of stuff tha no1 ever eaats lik hawks an donkeys an pigrats an stuf.  so i got a bus to spiterfield wich only took abuot a few huors cos i got lost an fell into a well an made frends with a rat whos name was droynal an he had wicked good diablo skills but then i realised i was in a bustop an droynal was a bin.

then i got to hawks an more an said “can i hav a big hawk please” an they said okay an then i sat down an at a lil table in the room an it was dark an it was lik a cool disco. an then they got brung me sum wine wich was quite nice (it wasn it was rank an lik vinegar an stuff but it was good an foody yuo know?) an then they got me sum old dog bones i thik cos they wer trying to impress me an put them in a fire an said “scoff on thos yuggers. fresh dog scrud” an it was okay an good but i wish fellas wud stop steeling my ideas for food thins cos 1 day i will prolly do my restrant an i will need to take back all these thins like dog bone fire sticks (hawks an more), chix nugs in tree bits (clives club), fat stik an bread (storeybooks), and eggs (norma) back so that all fellas cant cook them anymor. then they bruoght me sum big bit of hawk or pig or horse or summin an then i scoffed it down an it was nice an burnt an ther was blood an all sorts of stuf an it was good. then they said okay yuggers, yuo owe use abuot £100000 pounds an i said “ok but wat if i just promis to writ a blog abuot yuo” and they joshed with me an said “do yuo hav a blog?” an i lauged an then went home whil they wer shuotin at me abuot sumthin but i wasn even listen cos i was thinkin abuot the perfect horse joke. her it is:

“what did my dad say to the hors”

“Yugnich eats BURGERS!!! yuo shuold be SCARED!”


i giv hawks an more 59/80

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Norma the bes restrant in the wold.

on Monday all them big time food guyz got togethr lik wreslmania 99 an decided wut was th best place to gone to eeat in the world. this is real important cos sumtimes people don kno where good food is so they jus end up eeating scraps from skips if they don kno where the best places are. also its good for peeopl who run the restraunts cos they can clap eeach other an touch each othrs chests together when they win an shout “YEAH WE ARE GOOD AT COOKING!!” which i do somtimes when i make a reealy nice bowl of porrige.

the winner this year was a new restrant which is a shack in holland called norma. the chef is a nice little guy caled reny, who din hav any moneey when he wanted to open his place so had to steeal it out of bins an mak sum food out of grass an bricks and things. but then he had some money so he got a millionty peeopl to work for him so he dosnt have any moneey again. if i had sum more money i think id buy tron legacy on blu ray an a new chin up bar.

cos it was number one i thuoght i shold go becos Im a big time food guy so yestrday i aksed reny to come and he said yes so then i called rachel coo to come with me an she said yes which made me very happy. so i went to her huose in paris an picked her up on my scootr and we went to holland.

when we got ther i got the bes table that yuo cuold see over all of the country with and we talkd abuot the usual stuf lik who our favurit skatboarders were, how many times i watched the matrix on blu ray, what my favurit dub step song is. Juggalos. and rachel was very intrested. then we had som food. i din reealy lik it so much cos i din get to order n e thing so them fellas kept bringin things to me an telling me how i shuld done eeat it. one was a bucket of ground wich tasted lik a homeless guy slept on it all night. them also forgot to cook my plate of meeat an then i had to make evryone eggs (prolly cos they wer nervuos abuot me cos they knew i was YUgnich).

then i had to pay but they said “yugnich yuo dont hav to pay if yuo can free run and jump over our shack” so i did it and then did a backflip an they said “wow that is reealy good. have yuo ever seen the matrix on blu ray?” and i said “how many press ups do yuo think i can do in under a second? thats how many times ive seen the matrix on blu ray.” and they clapped and i wen t home an watched so free running and lisened to sum dub step.

I give norma 102/150

p. s. rachel coo din come with me and i din even go cos she is married an i don know where holland is.

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