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coys bar


The other day it was the first day of a new year an it got me to thiking about al of the thins I done the last year that gone on. Thins lik wen I went I stoppd tryin to be boyfriend and girlfren with Rachel koo (if u reeadin tho u can stil chang ur mind an we can go to an all u can eat cereal buffet tha I kno abuot thas really close to my house an definitely ISNT just me putting a whol kelogz variety pack in my bath an then fillin it with milk even tho TROY keeps on goin around an SAYIN THAT!), an also wen I went to puff town an didn do ANY bongs or wen I at sum grub at the clives club (good ole maps!) or wen me an Vin diesl went around beeatin up nerds who liked thins lik swimming an not-brakedancing. It got me thiking tha it was a pretty gud year.

So when I was finished bein happy an pattin my self on the back an spinning around in circles until I was dizzy an was sick in the corner of the nosh closet (my mum got reeal mad at me wen she found it cos she said “YUGNICH, you’ve ruined all the food in here. Its not even cold anymore cos of how hot ur sick is. Are u ill?”) I decided to get sum nice food.

I wen to a litl plac called coys bar wich is startd by a lil irish fella called coy who walks wit a stick even tho he dosnt have to just so that wen sum1 says sumthin mean to him lik “hey I bet that stick smells lik GUFFS COY!” he can drop it an go “I don even need it anyway” an then he does 3 backflips in a row an then sits in a perfect yoga position an laughs until the other fella runs away screming an crying an trying not to call his mum.

It a small litl  plac an u can only sit at the little bar when a bunch of cheffy fellas do thins lik boil rice and make instant noodles reeeeeeeealy slowly an quietly cos they are all tired and sleepy. I sat down an then ordred sum food an sum nice ladys bruoght me a big ole beer (wich I drank it super quick tim. Obvs) an then a bowl of sumthin wich I thik was defintly pig marshmelows wich were yummy an good an soft an only slightly like the marshmellows tha my mum used to put in my pokets befor I went to fight school. Then I scoffed them up which was reeal nice an then I got another dish wich had mince an instant noodles an sum orang juice or sumthin like that wich was good cos it tasted like wen I smash up a sausage roll an put it in with my cereal wich is always top.

Then wen I was finishd I stood on the bar thing an sed “hey why is the music so quiet?!?!?!” an then coy stuck his head around the corner an sed “got you!” an then turned up the stereo reeal loud an we played david guueta songs for 40 minutes whil we took turns in doin sick moves. Then every1 clapped an sed “wow 2014 is goin to be the best year ever” an i sed “yes it is.” Then coy looked at me an showed me his new tattoo of an sed “yes it is yugnich. yes it is”

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jons salt


i been a bit sad for a whil cos the last thin i wrote on here was my lettr to the france cook TV lady rachel coo an I aksed her to write to me or somthin but she never did :(. wich is not good cos like my mum says, even if you don reeally like a fella you still have to be nice to them an invite them to play in yuor room becos it not everyday tha a fella comes round an brings yuo flowers or takes yuo to wokmania chines buffet or brings yuo a pineappl pizza or fixes yuor washin machine or leeaves his car somewher so tha you can crash into it.

so it made me sad for a lil whil an only listened to slow hoobastank songs an did a lot of dark art drawins wich were mostly inspird by banksy an they reeally good but i had to throw them away cos my mum says tha all the spraypaint scrud made our food go rancid an tha if i want to graf i shuold go do it on a wall somehwer an not inside of a fridge but i was only half listenin cos i was scoffin this old chees an onion pasty i found. aftr tha i was sick for lots of time but i thik i ok now. i just cant eeat tha many eggs anymor or look at ham or stand up so good.

wen i strated to feel bettr i thuoght i kno wat wud make me bettr it would be to go to the big smoke an scoff sum grub. i went to a place called jons salt wich is a place in sum boring scrud place tha looks lik a outdoor version of Stratford Westfield an is a restrant started by a fella called jon who used to just serve salt crips an othr scrud but then sum chef came alon and said “IM GONNA COOK HERE AN IM GONNA MAKE FELLAS EEAT BRICKS.” an then lots of fellas did go ther an fellas did eeat bricks but then he got bord an ran out of good bricks to find and got reeeeeealy into world of warcraft an said “I DON WAN TO COOK ANYMORE. NOW I AM A FULLTIME ORC!” an then he left so then sum othr chef fella from the pits cube truck came an said “ill cook here as long as i can start fires wherever i want an i get a lifetim supply of cool hats.” an jon said ok.

wen i got ther sum fella sat me on a lil bench with some othr fellas who obvs wanted to be my frend but i didnt talk to them much cos i was watchin youtube vids on my smartphone (obvs). the fellas were also a bit lame an was talkin lots abuot othr places they went to eeat an all fancy thins they done an fellas they knew so i looked at them an said “HEY LOOK THERS GODRUN RAMSNEY” an they got all excitd an 1 of them smashed his heead into the wall cos he was so excited an then i said “hes not reeally ther yuo doofuses.” an becos they wer so excited it was obvius they wernt propr foodies like me. so they cried an left.

then i ordered sum food wich was a big meeat crisp with sum coleslaw on it wich was ok an i scoffed it but most of my teeth broke on it i thik an then also a egg wich had sum crisps on it an it was with a lil pile of meeal scruds wich was quit nic an then i had a steeak meeat (or mayb it was horse! why the long neigh beef?!?!?!?!LOL) wich had a sause on it wich was a whol garlic breead scrunched into a lil sause an then sum chippy things wich was ok.

after i scoffed it all i said to the fellas good job. an then let the fellas next to me (still crying lika baby) pay for watevr i ate cos i din reealy want to an also i didn have any money anyway an then went home an felt better abuot rachel coo. becos now that i don care abuot her anymore i can focus on other chicks. so look out “the world”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i give jons salt 78/94

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meeat mashine


them meeat fellas hav don it agen! they opend a nother restrant. it good for them cos every1 always sayin how fellas havnt got any money an so we gonna hav to eeat insects an got 3 jobs an my mums gona hav to let all her frends sleep in her bed cos they got no beds of ther own an stuff. so it gud that they havin a fun tim cookin burgrs an an stuf cos it not only tha we got no money but also it janury an it cold an so fellas evrywher ar angry an if yuo go on twitster (like i do ALOT cos i got a LOT of frends ther who arnt lik my frens in reeal life so they arnt always callin me an sayin “yugnich i thik yuo left yuor leeather string vest chaps at my huose” or “yugnich yuor skatbording skills arnt very gud” or “yugnich is my dad at yuor mums house agen?!?” an then laugh some an then hang up an i normly shuot “FLIP OFF BRAD!!” cos i kno i din leeav my chaps ruond his house an obviously my skarbord skils ar THE BOMB an his dad dosnt come ruond to visit my mum anymor cos last tim he cam ruond i drawn a pic of him wich was very funny so tha when i drawd it i laugd so much tha a lil bit of wee came out an then he got mad an sed “THAT IS NOT A NICE DRAWiN YUGNICH!! wat is tha smell?. yugnich yuor jeeans ar completly coverd in muck. why ar yuo weearing my trousers?”) fellas always complainin abuot thins lik burgers existin an peeopl takin photos of sanwichs an how to mak the bes hats made of chees an othr importnt thins lik tha. so it nic tha them meeat fellas don a nothr plac.

the new 1 is calld meeat mashin an it in a plac wich isn so eeasy to find an so i thik it used to be a job centr cos it hidden an yuo hav to go thruogh som scary doors an ther no so many windows but thers los of tabls an when i got ther them fellas recognisd me instantly an so they sed “com her wud yuo lik a tabl for 1?” but i din notic cos i was alreeady siting down wherevr i feel lik it.

then i aksed for the biggst beer tha they cud do cos i was thirsy cos i was imagining differnt freerunnin moves i cud do in ther (lots. obviusly) an so they bruoght me a nic beer in a upside down watr cooler bottle. i tried to drink it tho but it only had a lil handl from a teeacup so i pickd it up an it fel down an broke evrywher an then evry1 lauged an sed “oh yugnich. wat a josher.” an i lauged a lot as wel but it was also very sore cos a LOT of glas went into my foot an i had to hide it by puttin my foot in my backpack wich workd a treeat cos it is a camo backpack (obvs.)

then i had sum lil chix strips wich wer all mushy an coverd in salt an vinegr crisps an ketchup wich wer prety good an then i had a burger wich was long lika subway an had sum nic lil onions in it an sum brown soup an sum mayonase wich i thik was rancid cos i at tha whol thin an it made my eyes sor an my nose hurt an my throat feel lik i was eeatin sum fire. then i was finishd an i put sum mony on the tabl an startd to leeave but fellas were callin me tryin to get me to stay sayin thins lik “excuse me, do yuo know yuor foot is in yuor bag? why is ther so much blood aruond yuor table? are youo okay? mayb yuo shuldnt leeav yet. yuo shuold cleean up this mess. wow yuo look reeal musly like yuo cud do ALOT of push ups!!” i not sure abuot the last 1 cos i cudnt reealy heear anythin anymor cos i was feelin woozy an tired. then i went an got a trane but fel asleep for a few days an now im feel bettr an awake.

i giv meeat machine 13/28
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dirt burgers

sumtimes thins lik restraunts is reealy confusing cos all sorts of peeopl don always wanna do smart thins lik go to eeat a pizza hut buffet evn tho yuo can get as much food as yuo wan, thers abuot a millon of them an it maks yuo ful lik yuo eeaten a hunred eggs an yuo won hav to go to the toilet for another thriteen days. i had 4 pizza hut buffets in 2 days once wich i thuoght was reeally gud but then my mums cuosin sed “why din yuo jus got twic in 2 days an eeat twice as much eeach tim an then yuo wuoldn hav to pay 4 times. only 2 times.” wich i din reealy thik abuot but i din wanna look stupid so i askd him wat a TRONKUSO was an he sed he din kno an i lauged a lot an sed “yuo arnt even a FOODIE like me yuo dum guff so wat wuold yuo know abuot food yuo IDIOT !!!!!” an then i did a ninja move rite neear to his face so close that it was like a mini hurrican of scary neear him an then he vomited on himself an started cryin an my mum sed “YUGNICH STOP PRETENDIN TO PUNCH THAT BABY!” but i was reealy listenin cos i was thinkin abuot TRONKUSO an the fact tha i don reealy kno wat it is.

my fren J. Rainer wen to eeat it the othr day an los of othr peeopl say tha its the thin tha evrybody shuold be eeatin now cos its cool an  tha meeans yuo cant reealy eat it cos evry1 else is eeatin it an yuo cant book tables an the retrants only have abuot 1 an a half tables anyway an if J. Rainer is eeatin ther then most of the tables will be being used anyway cos of his hair. in new york it is bettr becaus fellas lik gruy Frieery kno abuot gud thins an open restants with a millon seeats wich is gud becaus it meeans i can bring in my scootr an also a bag of bred an stuf. i din get to eeat TRONJUSO cos of all these reeasons. also cos i don kno wat it is. i think its a smal bag of crisps or sumthin.

insted i wen to eeat sum burgers cos they ar stil gud an all the fellas kno this so we gonna hav A LOT MOre bugr places open in london (yesssssssssssssssssssss). i wen to 1 calld dirt burgr wich is in a lil car park an is a cool lil sauna wit a big tabl in the  middl wich wud be perfect for sum brakdansin if ther werent so many peeopl eeatin on it. i wen to the cuonter an got 1 burger an asked for a sprite but the girl sed sumthin an pointed but i nevr got a sprit. insted thers a nice frige with free drinks wich is good. i was thirsy so i had 14 ciders from the fridg an then i felt reeal sick an sleepy. then my burger came an i ate it an it was nice an cruncy an it was gud. the bes thing abuot dirt burger was tha all tha fellas in ther were talkin abuot burgers an wich 1 in london was the best 1. i heard sum fellas talkin abuot mother flippz an Byzron an stuff so i stood up on my chair cos i was goin to talk abuot MEATLICKEr but then i fel over cos i drunk another free cidr to quickly. then i wok up outside a few huors later an my heead hurt quite bad.

then i wen home an reead sum of wikipedia until i fell asleep again an dreamt abuot all the diffrent crocs in the world.
i give dirt burger 44/100

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duck wafer

the other day tha fella Frelicks Brumgartner jumpd out of a baloon reeal high from tha gruond. so who cares anyway! crank 2 done it out of a plane an landed on a car an he DIN even hav a stupid parashoot or nothin! i was gonna do a sam thin once time wen i was flyin to sumwher lik italy or croydon or sumthin so i wore my best ooakley sunglases an a awesom camo leeather traousers an sed to the plane flyer wen i got on “im prolly gonna do a coupl of backflips wen we get to abuot 3000000 feet so jus let me know pleease.” i don thik he was very happy tho cos i was gonna be tha coolest guy on the plane an he din want that to happen so much so he tol me i had to leeav an go back home. then they took me out the airport an sed “why did yuo done that? how did yuo get in? do yuo even have a ticket? did yuo steeal these crocs from the duty free shop?” but i wasn reealy listenin cos i was thinkin abuot macbook PROS an how many episods of “NUNCHUCKS DIARIES 40” i cud put onto a iphone 5 if i had 1.

i was prety hungry tho an i heard abuot a new good plac that evry1 was think to lik calld duck wafer. its a reeal cool plac in the liverpool part of london an its in a reealy big hotel i thik. its reeal gud to get to cos yuo hav to go up a lift thas mad of glass an it make yuo feel like yuo are doin a crank 2 but in revers. wen yuo get up ther it gets even bettr cos thers actuly a cool bar ther an they made it look reeal nice cos they got a wal filld with aWESOME graf! it looks lik it from a SICK ed hardy t shirt or sumthin. thers also a lot of reeal cool cocktails lik the 1 tha i had wich cam in a big bottl filled with smok from a awesom motorbik an they give yuo a glass but it just a trick cos it better to drink it out of the bottle cos yuo look cooler even tho yuo cough ALOT from all the smok an stuff.

then yuo go into the restrant which i thik used to be a old dance studio (but thers not alot of space for dancing now. even tho it wouldv gon reeally wel with the graff wall). i sat down an said “can i hav a duck wafer pleas” an the fella said ok an they bruoght it over an it was quite nic cos it had a egg on it an a bit of a duck wich tasted lik wat if a chicken and a pig had a baby. they put it on a bit of cake an then yuo also get a nice sugar drink on the side to have as well. it was all ok but the sugar drink got stuk in my solepatch an now its stiky an smels real bad lik my fren Orleys groin patch.

then i wen to the lift again an did a coupl of brakedancing moves an thuoght that it wud prolly be a good plac to tak a girl on a date cos yuo cud say tha she shuldn be scard in the lift (make yuo look not scard) an then yuo cud tel her all abuot the graf on the walls (make yuo look cool) an yuo cud also eeach pay for sum of the drinks (so it wuldn be so expensiv to drink sum smokey brown glug from a reeal big bottl).

i give duck wafer 55/82

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Norma the bes restrant in the wold.

on Monday all them big time food guyz got togethr lik wreslmania 99 an decided wut was th best place to gone to eeat in the world. this is real important cos sumtimes people don kno where good food is so they jus end up eeating scraps from skips if they don kno where the best places are. also its good for peeopl who run the restraunts cos they can clap eeach other an touch each othrs chests together when they win an shout “YEAH WE ARE GOOD AT COOKING!!” which i do somtimes when i make a reealy nice bowl of porrige.

the winner this year was a new restrant which is a shack in holland called norma. the chef is a nice little guy caled reny, who din hav any moneey when he wanted to open his place so had to steeal it out of bins an mak sum food out of grass an bricks and things. but then he had some money so he got a millionty peeopl to work for him so he dosnt have any moneey again. if i had sum more money i think id buy tron legacy on blu ray an a new chin up bar.

cos it was number one i thuoght i shold go becos Im a big time food guy so yestrday i aksed reny to come and he said yes so then i called rachel coo to come with me an she said yes which made me very happy. so i went to her huose in paris an picked her up on my scootr and we went to holland.

when we got ther i got the bes table that yuo cuold see over all of the country with and we talkd abuot the usual stuf lik who our favurit skatboarders were, how many times i watched the matrix on blu ray, what my favurit dub step song is. Juggalos. and rachel was very intrested. then we had som food. i din reealy lik it so much cos i din get to order n e thing so them fellas kept bringin things to me an telling me how i shuld done eeat it. one was a bucket of ground wich tasted lik a homeless guy slept on it all night. them also forgot to cook my plate of meeat an then i had to make evryone eggs (prolly cos they wer nervuos abuot me cos they knew i was YUgnich).

then i had to pay but they said “yugnich yuo dont hav to pay if yuo can free run and jump over our shack” so i did it and then did a backflip an they said “wow that is reealy good. have yuo ever seen the matrix on blu ray?” and i said “how many press ups do yuo think i can do in under a second? thats how many times ive seen the matrix on blu ray.” and they clapped and i wen t home an watched so free running and lisened to sum dub step.

I give norma 102/150

p. s. rachel coo din come with me and i din even go cos she is married an i don know where holland is.

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meeatliquor Review

i went to the restaurant meatlicker in london. i live outside of london so had to tak a trane to get their. the bloody tranes are so crap aren’t they? always wating on platforms, and then the conducter gets your ticket and says “why don you get a a job you bum” for no resaon even though i was just drawing pictures of jeff bridges on the window in felt tip.

meatlcker does lots of burgers. if you kno me, then you would hav seen my burger recipy. that was catualy just a joke my friend Simp did as a josh. I put a raw onion salad in his pog bag though. so we are even. when i got to the restaurant I had to queue, which was okay. there looks like theys rubbed all their fat on the windows. simp wasn’t there but he wouldve said it was juice from a boys middle. NOT MINE THOUGH!!!!! lollolo

i got in and ordered my food and a strong cocetail. it had champagne, berry juice, sprite and fanta in it i think. it came in an empty light bulb and served to me by a hot chich. then i had a burger which had mushrooms in it and a crunchy cucumber. the cucumber was crunchy and salt. the burger was mushroomy and good. i had to put a lot of red sauce on though otherwise i would not have Liked it so much.

Then I Had Too pay so that I could leave. it came to £7.50 with a tip. i left this on top of the chair becaus ethere was a person on the same table as me who looked like a no good nansy, and i knew he wassa gona take the dougg if I left it right in his bloody eye liner.

Then i got Mack on the train to my friend’s moms house to take a spliff puff and a play some PS£3 and listen to juggalo ryder

I give meatlicker 55/87


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My Best Sandwiches

People don’t think to like the sandwich. But I do. They are good during lunchtime to eat, but sometimes they make good breakfasts, when you put in eggs, bacon and butter. The bacon is salty, which is always nice with the butter, and the egg gives it a real nice eggy flavour. Don’t get me started on the bread thoug! Its gotta be white holemeal. GOtta be!

This are my favourite types of sandwiches, starting with this one:

A cheese sandwich. Diary always works the best in a sandwich. This is a good start to make sandwiches if you don’t really eat a lot of sandwiches all that often.

A meat sandwich. There’s meat in most sandwiches. This kid is gonna reall like this one. My best is with chicekn, and it tastes real good with the cheese. The two ingredient make each one better because of the salt, and because of the diarey. Always good to have a little glass of milk with the sandwich. Yup!

A crisp sandwich. Don’t ask me – ask your best friend, dummy!

An Egg sandwich. Do I need to say anything or do you just need to go into the kitchen and make yourselA sand wedge!



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