Tag Archives: yugnich



I used to hav a frend called “the walrus” who was famus in the streets between the A3 an the mud tunnel next to ASDA beacus he was always very very dizzy, an also because he had more plastic bags than any other person tha i knew of. he had so many tha he cud put them up into a a BIG pile an use it as a VERY smal bed. i tried to sleep on it once but the whol time yuo tried to move it suonded lik you wer in a gravel-trap an also “the walrus” was quite big an hard to push off u after he had had drunk his nightim cup of bleeeach an water.

one day wen we were tryin to catch rat-frogs under a bridg he said to me “yuo kno yugnich, i got everything – i famous. i got more plastic bags than anyone i kno” (then he fell over quick cos he was very very dizzy) “but i stil don thik tha i so happy abuot thins”

i lauged cos i knew tha it was jus cos he was hangin out with me and if yuo always lookin at someone who cool an who muscly and who can grow any sort of beeard (braided, solepatsh, chin, oneside, corn rows, bleached) then of course you not gonna be happy. no matter how many plastic bags you got. but i didn say tha cos i knew he wud be sad and drink a whole new cup tha was mostly bleach an not very much water.

insteead i said – “i will take yuo to a fancy place and tha will cheer you up.” i hadnt gone to a restraunt for a while because last time i went my small hairy frend Richard ‘Drickens’ Dawkins said got scared cos he brought sumthing back from the deepweb and had to go home early. i was also a bit scared but i realisd tha cos he was small an cos he didnt kno abuot thins an only liked to listen to his own beatboxing (even tho mine or even Troy’s (!!!) was better) he was always gonna be scared of the deep web. i will nevr be scared of the deep web or of anythin except from mayb very murky swimming pools an lions with machine guns strapped their moutsh an getting old (LOL!)

so me an “the walrus” got onto his trike an pedalled all the way to a restraunt called Myfields wich was opened by a chef fella cos he was always gettin kicked out of other peeopls gardesn for trying to eat their trees. he was reeal angry an jus wanted to scoff down sum good grub so he found a old sauna an said “this is a gud plac for a restrant” an then he called it myfields cos it was his field (evn tho it actualy jus a old sauna an it tiny an ther no grass or anythin).

me an “the walrus” came in an put down all of “the walrus”s plastic bags into a corner which took about 10 minutes cos they kept blowin evrywher an sum fella in the restrant kept tryin to stop us from doin it an sayin “you can put all of those bags in here – where did they come from? do you a reservation? why wont u say anythin to me? wher is tha smell of bleeach comin from?” wen we FINALLy managed to stuff the bags into the drains an plug sockets and corners an thins (there not many places to stuff bags – BTW) so that they wouldn go away we sat down at one of the tiny tables an said “grub me up!!!” wich everyone thought was HILARIOUs.

the fella who was stil cryin about tha he didnt have as many bags as “the walrus” cam an bruoght sum wine an sum food wich was a bit of old fish wich had some fishy gravel lumps with it and also had a soup of blackjacks on it. it was gross but i scoffed it down pretty quick cos i was intrested to look cool. “the walrus” had sum milk lump with syrup an he said he liked it.

then when we finished scoffin our grub i said “hey walrus. why do you can be called “the walrus”?” an he said “no one calls me the walrus” an i laughed an punched him full into the middle of his face. then he laughed too an then we both laughed an then the crying fella said “you ar goin to have to move your bags. also the bleach smell is upsettin everyone.” then i said “if your name not “the walrus” what is your name?”

an then “the walrus” said “my name is niall horan from one direction” an i said “the walrus is a much better name” an then the crying fella said “i threw your bags away” an then “niall horan from one direction” said “oh. thats sad.”

I give myfields 37/56


Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Brun Daddy

brun daddy

after i wen thru the secret door in the back of the fridge in lilos me an my new friend Drickens wernt even cold at all. i wasnt tha surprised that i wasnt because i dont really feel the weather tha much becaus of my muscles an my collection of beanees, string vests, gilets, doorags, small shorts and fur coats but i was mor surprised tha the small muscly hair fella Drickens (who was my new best frend) wasnt shivering or trying to soil himself to make him warm like my mums dog knuckles.

Drickens – who wasnt in the pocket of my dungarees anymor – look pretty happy so i said “why arent we cold if we just in a fridge?” an he said “because we not in a fridge anymore” and i said “where are we then?” and he laughed an pointed at something just behind my head. i turned around an saw a normal borin old tree tha i couldve easily climb if i wanted to but i jus didnt want to. “thas a boring tree an i could easily climb it Drickens” i said to Drickens an then he said “maybe you should have a closer look Yuggers. Also what is that in your pocket? is that hummus?” an i laughed cos i remember tha back when i was in lilos i got a handful just in case for the bus home.

then i looked closer at the tree an realised tha insteead of pineapples an butternuts an crips it was growin ostrich eggs the size of a mirror balls an i instantl jumped up, done a 180 an then went to get as many eggs as i cud get into my hands. i was so excited that i started rapping the lyrics to “Gravel Hut” wich is a song by my new favourit rapper GrugMubbelz####^^#

i picked up a whol 40 of the eggs an was just abuot to kick a few into the sun jus for fun when Drickens ran over an was crying like a lil baby or something an sayin “Yuggers no you shouldn do tha!” an i said “why not you dweeb?” an he said “jus cos tha tree got so many ostrich eggs it don mean tha you should take them. do you even want to eat tha many ostrich eggs?” an i said “trash my frash, Ash” wich is a line from Gravel Hut.

Then Drickens got scared an said we should go cos of tha eggs tha i took an he started running towards a well tha was as wide as a bus an he jumped in an he said follow me quickly! an i said “okay you dweeb and why don you tell me wher we are anyway?” an he said “WERE IN THE DEEP WEB YUGNIChH! THE DEEP WEB!!”

an i said ive been to the deep web before (cos ive been ONLINE) an then we fell for 40 minuts until it was so dark tha i couldnt see anythin apart from my glow in the dark tattoos.

then we cam to the end of the well an then Drickens said “through here” an we went through a small door an we came out into a toilet in a small basement an i said “wher are we now?” an he said we at the restrant Brun Daddy wich is a noodle place. an i said ok an then we went upstairs wher ther was lots of loud music an lots of people running around for no reason an everyone pretendin to be happy but also angry an some fella came to me an said do you want to eat somethin an i said “no thaks i stil got sum hummus” an then Drickens looked scared an i said “why you scared you small hairy doofus” an he stopped shakin for just a second and looked at me with his scared lame eyes.

then he said “somethin else came through the door from the deep web Yugnich. something dangerous.”

I wasnt scared at all but Drickens didnt look like he had seen the Undertaker on a bad day.

i give Brun Daddy 18/40

Tagged , , , , , , ,



in london every1 always says ” we so spoiled for good thins to do” and everyone always so happy about the different scoff holes and bars an thins. but fellas dont often stop to think and say “hey actualy. where is the nearest paintball arean? what do i do if i wan to climb a tree as big as a buildin? if ther so many dojos then how come mos people arent even close to the level of karaty as me?” but it not such a bad place reealy.

i decided i should go to the new scran place from the chef frend of itsac and the clives from the clives club who is called Jonty Loowey an he used hav the world record for the most earings in 1 ear (6). he used to do cookin with his frends itsac and clives but then he decided to take sum time off so tha he could build the biggest beanbag in london. after a yeear he remembred he was allergic to beans an also bags so then he decided he prolly rather do a restrant instead so he opened a place called lilos which is named after a lilo cos of it is in a old changing room for a swimmin pool.

i went in an they said “hi do you have a reservation” an i said “my name is Neddins” which is a joke cos my name isnt Neddins its yugnich an then the lady behind the restrant desk said “i bet tha your joshin me. are you yugnich?” an i said “yes good one how did you know?” an she said somethin about my muscles, about my cool clogs and also something about that i had to put a shirt on an also i should stop screamin my own name. obvs i wasnt listening tho cos i was already smelling all of the things tha Jonty was cooking which i think was meat cereal.

i sat down on a lil chair an ordered a full plate of milk an a full bag of corn an then scratched my name an also a pictur of a horse into the table. then jonty came over an gave me a dish of food which was a old fish wich didnt even pong tha much at all. i took a bite an it was quite nice an a bit like eeating a chicken dipper if it was actually a fish.

then when i finished the fish i look down an seen that there actually a lil person who was one half as muscly as the rock an also one half as hairy as a badger and he looked up at me an say “hi yugnich” an his voice was as like the noise of a washing machine. an i say “hi lil hairy muscly guy” an then we shook hands an we exchanged email addresses an twitter names. then he got off my plate an pulled out a small pair of googl glasses an put them on an say “now tha you finished your ole fish why don we go for an adventur” so i put him in the top pocket of my dungarees an we got up an i started doin teh moonwalk to the door.

but then the lil guy said “no not thaat way yuggers” an he pointed towards a different way an i said “okay why not”. an then he pointed me to the kitchen where i walked in an told jonty not to worry (but he didn mind cos he was secretly eeating a family bag of nik naks an was blind from orange) an then me and the lil fella went to the fridge an i walked in an then the little fella got out of my pocket an jumped down to the corner of the fridge an knocked 4 times on the wall an all of a sudden a secret door opened an wat was behind it was the most SIIICK thing i ever seen in my life an i nearly was sick all down myself for a hour or two.

then the lil muscly guy said “cool huh?” an i nodded an i said “wat is your name lil fella” and he said “my name is richard dawkins. but you can call me Drickens.”

an then we went in the secret door in the back of the fridge in lilos

i give lilos 38/49

Tagged , , , , , ,

foods for to have of the WORLD cup

every 7 years ther a competison called the WORLD cup wher all the countrys in the world (except for wales) get togethr and play a coupl of games of footers to show every1 how good and happy with every1 they are. it normally a big party at my house for it an more than 3 people come round becos i always do somethin speacial lik buy more than 1 bag of plain nuts an crack open a new bottl of milk. i think this year for the BIG FINAL i wil be havin a party in the biggest NCP car park i can think of (in warrwik) an any1 who comes will get a free breead bin an also be able to watch the special featurs from the DVD of couples retreeat 2. my frieend chudney will also bring his radio so tha he can listen to the BIG FOOTBAL an let every1 kno who won. if anyone wants, they can also put a wash on. last time we dun this it was reeal excitin. espesially wen andy murray won it an shot his gun into the air becos he was so happy.

i been thinkin tha maybe other peeopl wud lik to have big parties to, but then i thought “what if othr peopl don kno about other foods of the world like i do.” so her ar som things that you can read and then pretend that you already knew it.

foods for to have from other cuontries:



brazil is the smmallest country in the world, but they have more than a million of footbal players an some of them are very gud. ther best player is Nimir, who used to be a ultimatte frisbee player. then he decided he was bored of it an sum fella made him play footbal instead. in brazil the most popular food is rice pudding. heres my recipe:

brazil rice pudding

1 x rice trough

boil some rice until it is rice pudding.



1 of the best footbal players ever came from argentina an his name was mudadona. he was as big as a tree and didnt hardly ever smell of eggs. today the best player they have is called mussy. he is a BIGTIME food guy, and his favurit thin to do when its not kickin footbals into the goal is to make a big stew. his favurit stew? easy: salt stew. next tim tha mussy is doin a big goal, why don yuo make this?

salt stew

1 x salt bucket

1 x some water

1 x as much flour as your can fit in yuor pocket

1 x as much hummus as you can fit in yuor pocket (lots)

put the salt and the wter in a pot an boil it up for a few hours.




this yeear england peopl don lik  uruguay becos of that they are usin too much of the internet and slowing the england teams web times down. mr wayne ronty (who our best player is) said that he cudnt even get onto askjeeves. And he was needed to get on to askjeeves cos he had to search abuot how the best way to get a goal is in the footbal. the player swariz is from uruguay and he is always ONLINE. the biggest chatroom in uruguay is called “chatattack” an sumtimes ther are more than 40 people in it at any 1 time. the best food from uruguay is called boiled ham. here is my recipe:

boiled ham

1 x ham

microwav it until it is lukewarm (make sure it isnt got LOADS of mould on it)



holland is a country tha used to be a island until japan decided to build a bridge to it. now it is not a island now and is prolly the most famous country in the world for sushi which is old fish tha is VERY smelly but not completly rancid. the big player on the holland football team is a fella called Rubbens. he is extra good because he eats the most sushi of anyone in the team and also because he has got the spikyest hair in all of the WORLD cup. here is my recipe for a egg sandwich

egg sandwich

1 x egg

3 x bread

boil the egg. put it in the bread (no shells)




germany is very well known for the quality of ther milk. shwiggles is a goal guy from germany an he HATES milk.


1 x milk


Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

puff town


yesterdat was haloween wich is 1 of my fav holidays cos yuo get to not go to work an sit at home al day watching scary movies like paranormal games an forrrest gump an the 1 wher the fella calls up peopl on the phone an says “ooh im watchiin yuo an yuor ar scared in ur big huose” an then he scares them lots cos he no good nancy. i thik it called “you got mail”. this yeear i dressed up reeal good as WOLVEREEN from XMEN an went trick or treeatin to my mums frend dane who lives next door an he lauged an said “yuo not even dressed up as anythin YUGNICH” an i lauged cos he OBVIOUSLY dosnt kno anythin about XMEN an didn reealis tha i was wolverin when he not mad and wen worlverin not made his forks don come out of his hands but he still muscly with sick hair an a metal skeleton. wen i finished laughin (wich was ALOT later) i said “ok wel if i don get a treeat then here comes yuor trick sucker. if im not dressd as wolverin cud i do this?” an then i ran down the steps and jumped heeadfirst into his car windscreen an it smashed evrywher an it was cool an awesome and dane was impressed an only a lil bit mad but not tha mad cos he said he din even hav a car anymore an he didn kno whos tha was. but i just lauged and sang the XMEN theme tune in my heead for ages.

wen i got out of the hospital for al the cuts an stuf i was feelin preety hungry so i decided to go to my frend Neils from jons salt and pits cube new restrant called Puff TOwn. i knew it was prolly gonna be good cos of a few thing 1 – neils pretty muscly an he got sick tattos 2 – neils liks sick music like insane clown possy 3 – it called puff town so ther prolly gonna be at leeast 1 chanc to do sum bongs 4 – dane wasnt gonna be there. wen i got ther i was surprised tha it wasnt mor cool an was actualy more like my nans house cos of the lame music (ed sheeeran can fall in a well) an old peeopl stuf. but at leeast it din smel lik cats an burnt hair (my nan lik to play a gam called ‘burn the cats hair’ but i don like it so much). but it was not tha bad reealy. then i wen to the bar an aksed for a drink an the lady said they had a milliion diff beers an wich one wud i like but i got confused so jus went an sat down anyway with a mug of zade tha i had in my bag anyway. then i orderd sum food an saw neils through a littl gap in the wall an he was got no shirt on an he was headbanging an i though “ok mayb this gonna be a lil sick” an then sum food cam wich was a mcdonalds apple pie with sum old eg an the inside of a sausag roll wich was yumster cos of the mcdonalds bit an then i got sum meeat which was tastin like my nans cats (like sum fire) an was pretty good an yum an i liked it quit a lot. then i said to the lady at the bar “how abuot some puff town bongs?” an she looked at me funny an din say anythin an i thuogh thats quit weird an then i looked aruond an evey1 was lookin at me weird an i din kno why so i put my shirt back on (even tho it was still all got lots of blood from wen i jumped thru the carr) an went home.

then wen i was gone to bed i reeliased why every1 was lookin at me funny: i was still dress as WOLVERINE> OBVIULSY!!!!!!!

i giv puff town 66/78. gud job,

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

tronkutso an my best eggs


I normally tell a lil story or summin wen I done a new blog revew cos obvs peeople prolly more inrested in wat sort of goofs an joshes I been doin lik changin all the letters around on the pet shop sign so that it says GUFF ON STEPS wich is obvs reealy funny (except Jase who my boss always get mad an says “Yugnich you don even WORK here anymor! Go away an stop changin the sign! I gonna call the polic next time!!!! also tel your mum tha I need to pick up my neon camo cargo shorts from her bedroom” but I normly don tel her anythin anyway cos she don like Jase cos he not my dad and cos she say he stupid cos the name NO GUFFS PETS is not a good name for a pet shop anyway.)

But this tim I not gonna tell a story cos of 2 thins. 1 is – I kno wat a tronkutso is now. The othr is I had the best egg I ever had!!!!

tronkutso is the nam of a restrant in london but I also sum food they serv ther wich is lik a pig cereeal cos it cos sum ham milk wich is milky like milk an tastes piggy lik ham. But the tronkutso also had a egg in it. wen I scoffed it down (obvs I did tha first) I was the mos hapy I evr been (apart from wen I finished skyrim for abuot the millonth tim an stone cold steve austin called me up an said “hey yugnich well don on finishin skyrim AGAIN we all reeal impressed an I wish I cud be a bit mor like yuo” an then he gav the phon to jasun stathum an he said “i wish I was as muscly an good at freerunnin as yuo” an I lauged cos obvs it was true but I was still happy)

 the egg was nic an eggy an it was a bit salt an it was yellow in the middl (lik sum yellow crocs) an a bit grey on the outsid (lik grey crocs. Or my nan) an it was good an I ate an thuoght “wow they mus hav sum good fella microwavin these eggs cos they are nice”. So I said to the lady who was servin me to brin me mor eggs an I scoffd lots of them down but then she said tha I cant hav anymor cos ther were too many peeopl waitin to come sit with me. I thik this cos I look lik a bit famus person wit my wrapruond sunglases and leeather shin straps an camo/tribal tatoos an also cos I was rap battlin myself (it was a draw) whil scoffin down them eggs.

The restrant ok but I don thik they not got los o money cos ther no reeal roof an most of the thins in ther I thik they got from bins. It wud prolly be a bit bettr if ther was mor lights an mayb if they paintd it all green or red or sumthin an put up sum posters an didn mak you eeat from old bits of sum ladys floors instead of on sum tables.

then i had to gone home cos i remembered i left my cereeal in the oven an it prolly burned most of my mums kitschen agan. on the trane home i thuoght abuot my best eggs. these ar my othre best eggs:

mcdronalsd mcegg

it in a bun. it tast pretty good. it dont cost so much dosh. an also if i wait outside the 1 near the tracadero in the mornin ther always sum lil loser who i can steeal one from. easy.


boild egg.


yugnich kid egg

creeam egg

39 mins in the microwav. bak in the freezer for a few days then scoff it down in 1 sandwich. nice

baby choc

all othr eggs.

i give tronkutso 76/88 an the egg 4/3.

Tagged , , , , , ,

hawks an more

hawks an mor

quite sum months ago ther was all this stuf in the news abuot how fellas was eeating horses wen they was tryin to eeat burgers instead an it was real gud cos it was a gud oppatunity for fellas to make good joshes and say thins like “what did the barguy say wen a horse walked into a burgerr?” he say “hey the long faceQ!” an every1 was all laugin an stuff but it also mad me thik abuot all the thins tha we don normly eeat lik cats an rats an lettuc an hamsters (ther loads of hamsters at my old work an they reeal easy to catch cos they so silly and dum an they in cages an stuff). why don mos fellas even eeat eggshells? they free an thers lots of them an they don tast so bad an they only mak u bleed LOTS out of yuor mouth an yuor mum don even find out if yuo hav a spesh egg shel bag under yuor bed tha she don kno abuot until she come into yuor room an say “YUGNICH why is ther all this blood on yuor pillow again?! hav yuo been givin yuorself nosebleeds again? thas not how yuo get girls to like yuo!!” an i jus laug at her cos i din give myself a nosebleed i jus hit my heead against the wall wen i was rockin out to imagining tha i was listenin to mudvayn. an also all the egg shells i was eeatin.

i was thikin that it all such a wast of reeal good scoffs so i was real happy wen i heeard about a plac in london called “hawks an more” wich done food lik all the othr lil scrud bits of stuff tha no1 ever eaats lik hawks an donkeys an pigrats an stuf.  so i got a bus to spiterfield wich only took abuot a few huors cos i got lost an fell into a well an made frends with a rat whos name was droynal an he had wicked good diablo skills but then i realised i was in a bustop an droynal was a bin.

then i got to hawks an more an said “can i hav a big hawk please” an they said okay an then i sat down an at a lil table in the room an it was dark an it was lik a cool disco. an then they got brung me sum wine wich was quite nice (it wasn it was rank an lik vinegar an stuff but it was good an foody yuo know?) an then they got me sum old dog bones i thik cos they wer trying to impress me an put them in a fire an said “scoff on thos yuggers. fresh dog scrud” an it was okay an good but i wish fellas wud stop steeling my ideas for food thins cos 1 day i will prolly do my restrant an i will need to take back all these thins like dog bone fire sticks (hawks an more), chix nugs in tree bits (clives club), fat stik an bread (storeybooks), and eggs (norma) back so that all fellas cant cook them anymor. then they bruoght me sum big bit of hawk or pig or horse or summin an then i scoffed it down an it was nice an burnt an ther was blood an all sorts of stuf an it was good. then they said okay yuggers, yuo owe use abuot £100000 pounds an i said “ok but wat if i just promis to writ a blog abuot yuo” and they joshed with me an said “do yuo hav a blog?” an i lauged an then went home whil they wer shuotin at me abuot sumthin but i wasn even listen cos i was thinkin abuot the perfect horse joke. her it is:

“what did my dad say to the hors”

“Yugnich eats BURGERS!!! yuo shuold be SCARED!”


i giv hawks an more 59/80

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Jase Rayner Interwev


heres sum facts abuot my fren jase: he got more than 1k twit followers. he 1 of the bigest time food guys in the land. he writs abuot food an stuff for the Granuaid (LOLOLOL!). he can get pizzahut buffet anytime of the day he want!! sumtimes he cant sleep cos hes thinkin abuot all the differnt typs of crips flavs ther are (note to jase: doritos?!?!?!). me an him chilled out on the internet an i aksed him a few qestions. here they are: he also wanted me to tell u tha yuo shuold buy his book called “A Greedy Man Goes to Greggs and Falls into a Ditch” or somthing. u can get it here:  http://www.amazon.co.uk/A-Greedy-Man-Hungry-World/dp/0007237596/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1361440728&sr=8-3

Is it annoyin wen peeopl thik tha yuo are marco peer white?


Not half as annoying as it is for Marco when they mistake him for me.

Wich restrant in London do yuo thik is most lik the band mumford an sons?

One of those fried chicken shops in Peckham


Because they both look like they could do with a good wash.

Who wud win a fight between yuo an timmers Hayward?

Hayward. He’s done time in the advertising business. That bitch is hard core.


Who wud play yuo in a film about AA gills life?

Marco because he’d need the work.


Wen yuo go on masterchef does Greg Wallspice sumtimes make yuo put yuor hand in his pocket whil he rocks out to men at work on his walkman?

He’s never asked but I can see in his eyes that he’d like me to. We don’t talk about it though.

Wat is yuor favurit sandwich besides the obvs ones (egg. Crisp. Mussles)

Marmite and cheese, though if you publish that I’ll deny it because my career will be over.

If a lobster is so nice an so speshial why does it mak yuor fingers smell lik yuo been scratchin a whales armpit after yuo eeaten it?

All the best things make your fingers small like that.

Do yuo sumtimes wish yuo cud swap places with Jezza Clarkson?

I’ve swapped with him, but Hammond got upset and started whining so we had to swap back again.

Hot dog or Burger? Wich 1 do yuo thik yuo cud keep in yuor pocket for longer befor yuor wife found out an tol yuo to throw it away?

I’ve had a hotdog in my jacket pocket for three months now, and my wife still hasn’t rumbled me. Next time we see each other I’ll let you touch my hot dog.

If yuo cud open yuor own restrant wud it be better than WokExpress?

No. I know my limits.

Wat got yuo started in food writin? Was it the deep pan pizza company?

Getting started was easy. It’s stopping that’s the problem. (The pizza company turned down my job application. I failed the psychometric test).

Wich of these London restrants is the bes?



dirty burger

Dirtey Burger


Lucky Chip



You left off that fried Chicken place in Peckham which is like Mumford and Sons. That one’s the best.


Is it true tha yuo used to be in a brakdansin crew calld “thugz 4 eva” but yuo were kicked out cos yuo ate every1s shreddys?

Where are you getting this stuff? After I hurt myself in the Deptford dance off incident I obtained a super injunction so nobody could ever discuss the damage I did to my coccyx.

Is yuor wife a better cook than Reny Redzepy?

She would be, but she hates foraging. Mostly we live on Weetabix and Sunny Delight in my house.

Is Reny Redzpey a better cook than tha fella from Dabooz?

That’s like Sophie’s choice, only with less of the genocide.


Wich plac do yuo thik Rachel Koo would lik to go to more?

She’d be happy to go to either but she can’t get out of her tiny kitchen because there’s a camera crew in the way.

Do yuo actshually lik eeatin hog an cow an sheep scraps lik ther inside rank bits, or do yuo jus do tha to look lik mor of a cool foody?

No, not at all, but it’s in my contract that I have to, and a guy’s got to make a living.

Wat is the plot of yuor novel?

I can’t tell you yet, except that it involves lots of lard, rubber tubing and a Josper Grill. It’s aimed right at the mummy porn market


Do yuo sumtimes wish tha yuo wer a bloggr so tha food peeopl wud give yuo los of free stuff an invit yuo to cool places an yuo wuldn hav to tell evry1 tha yuo got it for free or say to yuor boss that the deep fryer at KFC invited yuo to eeat as many family buckets as yuo want if yuo just Tweet about it?

All the time. At night I lie awake tossing, and dreaming of being Chris Pople or, if I’m feeling really dirty, the Critical Couple. Those people have it all and I have nothing.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Clives Club


it was jus eeaster time which is good cos it my favurit holiday (obvs!?) obvs it my fav cos it all abuot eggs an i reeally love eggs. but also i don reealy lik it cos it mostly choc eggs an not reeal eggs an tha a bit like a notgood joke like wen i tol my fren Royne tha i had all his dogs an cats an hamsters an thins (an he got ALOT of them cos he sum big nerd an stuff) an i lockd them in a car an drove them into the sun an he was all scard cos he say “YUGNICH YUO NOT ALUOD TO TAKE ANY ANIMALS OUT OUT OF THE PETSHOP ANYTIME EVER!!” an i lauged cos i said i just joshin they not reealy in my car i don even hav a car an yuo cant even drive a car into the sun cos it cant fly an no1 knos wher the sun actualy is anyway. an then we both lauged alot except he didn cos he was still shuotin thins like “I know yuo don have a car but wher are all the animals” and “did yuo open all the cages” an wat did i tell yuo abuot playin wrestlin with the hamsters yugnich!” but i didnt reealy care cos i knew he was jus angry cos i got ole Royne with a good josh. if yuo reeading this then LOL ROYNE! but he got me back to cos whenevr i go to work he always say to me yuo not aluod comin here anymor. josher.

so cos i din hav to gone to work cos of Royne;s joshing i thuoght i wud go get sum nic food in london at my frens Itsacs place in shohdatch an it calld clive’s club. ther 2 fellas ther who done all the waiterin an goofin with customers an stuff an they ar both called Clive an wen they wer yuonger they used to go to the same google maps fan group an then they started doin ther own google maps fan club in ther house an they called it The Clives Club an Itsac used to come aruond an he started brining snacks aruond for evryones like boiled eggs an grabags an stuff an they said “shud we start a cool restrant in a old museum or sumthin” an they said yes an then they chest pumped an then it was open.

I wen ther an then got a nice lil table in one of the old museum rooms an then i said “bring me sum burgers or sumin Clive” an they said okay an went off an got me sum food but it wasn burgers but it was stil quite good but i little mad at itsac cos he obvs stolen all my ideas for good foodstuffs. first he bruoght me sum lil chicken nuggs (yuo gotta give it to chicken nuggs. yuo just GOTTA!) an then sum lil red carrots wit sum spicy burger sauce an sum gravel which was quite good but not as good as the chick nugz. then they put sum ham in the microwave for me wich was nic an sweeaty wich i scoffed reeal quick an then i munched sum lil fish pile an then sum othr muscly fish with sum green stuff an green crips. then i did a lil bit of pressups an then they brung me a nice kebab wich they put on a plate an made it all fancy wich was quit good an then the last thin was a plat of sum hummus an sum gravel an sum cereeal wich was reeal good an i scoffed it all reeal quick.

then it was all good an fnished an i thuoght that quit nice 2 clives an itsac but now i gotta go home cos i jus rememered tha i had almost all the animals from the petshop in my bath an Royne is prolly made an also my mum wud prolly not be happy abuot me cloggin up the bath again. oh oh.

i give Clives Club 54/60 cos it was all my fav foods like gravel an chick nuggs an ham an stuff.


Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

jons salt


i been a bit sad for a whil cos the last thin i wrote on here was my lettr to the france cook TV lady rachel coo an I aksed her to write to me or somthin but she never did :(. wich is not good cos like my mum says, even if you don reeally like a fella you still have to be nice to them an invite them to play in yuor room becos it not everyday tha a fella comes round an brings yuo flowers or takes yuo to wokmania chines buffet or brings yuo a pineappl pizza or fixes yuor washin machine or leeaves his car somewher so tha you can crash into it.

so it made me sad for a lil whil an only listened to slow hoobastank songs an did a lot of dark art drawins wich were mostly inspird by banksy an they reeally good but i had to throw them away cos my mum says tha all the spraypaint scrud made our food go rancid an tha if i want to graf i shuold go do it on a wall somehwer an not inside of a fridge but i was only half listenin cos i was scoffin this old chees an onion pasty i found. aftr tha i was sick for lots of time but i thik i ok now. i just cant eeat tha many eggs anymor or look at ham or stand up so good.

wen i strated to feel bettr i thuoght i kno wat wud make me bettr it would be to go to the big smoke an scoff sum grub. i went to a place called jons salt wich is a place in sum boring scrud place tha looks lik a outdoor version of Stratford Westfield an is a restrant started by a fella called jon who used to just serve salt crips an othr scrud but then sum chef came alon and said “IM GONNA COOK HERE AN IM GONNA MAKE FELLAS EEAT BRICKS.” an then lots of fellas did go ther an fellas did eeat bricks but then he got bord an ran out of good bricks to find and got reeeeeealy into world of warcraft an said “I DON WAN TO COOK ANYMORE. NOW I AM A FULLTIME ORC!” an then he left so then sum othr chef fella from the pits cube truck came an said “ill cook here as long as i can start fires wherever i want an i get a lifetim supply of cool hats.” an jon said ok.

wen i got ther sum fella sat me on a lil bench with some othr fellas who obvs wanted to be my frend but i didnt talk to them much cos i was watchin youtube vids on my smartphone (obvs). the fellas were also a bit lame an was talkin lots abuot othr places they went to eeat an all fancy thins they done an fellas they knew so i looked at them an said “HEY LOOK THERS GODRUN RAMSNEY” an they got all excitd an 1 of them smashed his heead into the wall cos he was so excited an then i said “hes not reeally ther yuo doofuses.” an becos they wer so excited it was obvius they wernt propr foodies like me. so they cried an left.

then i ordered sum food wich was a big meeat crisp with sum coleslaw on it wich was ok an i scoffed it but most of my teeth broke on it i thik an then also a egg wich had sum crisps on it an it was with a lil pile of meeal scruds wich was quit nic an then i had a steeak meeat (or mayb it was horse! why the long neigh beef?!?!?!?!LOL) wich had a sause on it wich was a whol garlic breead scrunched into a lil sause an then sum chippy things wich was ok.

after i scoffed it all i said to the fellas good job. an then let the fellas next to me (still crying lika baby) pay for watevr i ate cos i din reealy want to an also i didn have any money anyway an then went home an felt better abuot rachel coo. becos now that i don care abuot her anymore i can focus on other chicks. so look out “the world”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i give jons salt 78/94

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,